Clive Staples

"Indeed if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased!"

-C.S. Lewis

All I Am

It's fasting week(s) at New Life...and it's one of my favorite times of the year. A time when anything can happen. And of course, in only the way God can do...it was timely in every area...both worldly (prayer + fasting... admist a horrible natural disaster...God timing if you ask me) and personally.

God amazes me every year in the things he does and the revelation he gives when his children seek his face earnestly.

And personal revelation...it's been much needed in my neck of the woods. (that's how we say it in the country)

Recently I haven't felt like me. It's been scary and weird...and honestly has had me down quite a bit over the past month. The new year is usually a time of joy for me...where i reflect on how i've progressed over the year, the ways I've seen God move...and it's a time for me to dream, which i love to do. This year, the changing of the year left me feeling detached and distant from my life. And scared to dream. And i've never before been scared to dream.

Most of this came when I really began looking back over the past year...expecting to see a lot of progress. What i found was digression in almost every area of my life. Mostly physical things...loss of my own place and a roomate i loved dearly...not living in the town where i spend most of my time...loss of most of the income i was accustomed to the previous year... But some was spiritual, which was even harder for me to come to terms with. Sometimes I get so busy trying to live my life and ignoring things i may see as problematic, that when i take the time to look up i often find that i've been believing something completely wrong about God. Or worse...I've lost some of my faith and trust in Him.

Which was the case here.

Last spring I began praying some things...some bold things. I asked Him to take everything out of me that was holding me back from more of Him. I asked Him to strip me completely bare of myself and anything that i believed i was "owed" in life and only give me things of Him. I meant every word of those prayers...and I still wouldn't take them back. But I believe that's what God has been doing. 2009 was a year that took away almost everything comfortable to me...a lot of the things that in my head "defined" me. And lately I've been struggling to reclaim a lot of that. Basically to no avail.

But what if that was his plan all along? That's it's not just the tangible, physical, comfortable things that define me. That what defines me...the only thing that defines me...is Him?

A couple of weeks ago I went away on a small retreat with several amazing people. During worship the first morning we sang a familiar worship song that at the end repeated "all i am is yours" several times. I've sung along to that song a thousand times it seems. Always earnestly meaning every word when i sang "all i am is yours"...meaning to me that everything I have...it's God's. But as I quietly sang along that morning a new meaning to it washed over me. Yes, definitely, everything i have is yours God...but what if that's all I am...Yours? All that I am, no more and no less...is only God's. Is that enough for me?

Not status or money or comforts or quirks.

Not "All i am = Yours+my dreams+my church activities+how people see me."

No...all i am...is Yours.

When I prayed the way I did last spring, there were several factors that led me to do so...but a large part of it had to with the fact that I had begun to sense a lot of pride in my life. I'd never before really considered myself a prideful person, and while i would pray for God to keep me from it, i never really understood how it operated in my life. But i began to sense that it was there...but couldn't really define what the source was. As the year progressed this pride made itself more and more apparent in my life...and as unchecked sin tends to do...the ways it was operating in my life began to fill my mind constantly. Mean thoughts i'd never thought before would pop into my head without a second thought. Jealousy became a regular occurrence. And slowly my joy dwindled down, lower and lower.

What I realized after singing that line at the retreat...all I am is yours...is that there exactly was the source of that pride i've been trying to track the past several months. I've always told God that I surrender everything to Him...that everything I have is all His...but somewhere along the way I fell under the belief that I actually need to make a major contribution to what God wants to in me and through me. Somehow I believed that simply being His was not enough.

And understanding that was a turning point for me. That I honestly and truly do not have to worry and stress and manipulate my way through life trying to get the things that I believe God has for me. If my dreams and desires in life happen, great. But what I'm finally beginning to see is that there is nothing outside of God that can satisfy me anywhere near as much as Him. And if God had to fully strip me of everything comfortable in my life this past year...of things that defined any identity outside of being only His...than I say it's all for the better if that's what it took to finally get me to realize how utterly small i really am when compared to his astonishing glory.

When I began to fully grasp that it's not about me at all...like, not even a little bit at all...you wouldn't believe the weight that was lifted.

And I came to realize...that there is nothing I could add to being "only" His...Because only being His? It's the entire world to me.

I Heart

A couple of nights ago I went to see Hillsong United's "I heart" film. It was eye opening and life changing to say the least. I'm still processing a lot of what I saw and heard...but a couple of quotes/scripture jumped out to me that I have just not been able to stop thinking about.

This will have to do until i can form sentences about the ways my heart was broken for the broken in this world.

"When we're apathetic, it's not like we're sleeping through the fire. We're actually fanning the flame."

"If what we do inside the 4 walls of the church doesn't affect the streets we took to get there...maybe we're missing the point."

"I can't stand your religious meetings.

I'm fed up with your conferences and conventions.

I want nothing to do with your religion projects,

your pretentious slogans and goals.

I'm sick of your fund-raising schemes,

your public relations and image making.

I've had all I can of your noisy ego-music.

When was the last time you sang to me?

Do you know what i want?

I want justice-oceans of it.

I want fairness-rivers of it.

That's what I want.

That's all I want."

Amos 5:21-24

People Watching

I am a people watcher. And a bit of a shameless one at that. Sometimes i lose myself within watching a couples interactions or studying a unique individual and trying to figure out their story. That's what draws me in more than anything...trying to figure out why a person is the way they are. Total strangers are even more fun for me to analyze because the only thing i know about them is that they are physically at the same place as me...usually Starbucks. Outside of that knowledge there is a huge, giant world of possibilities as to who they are. And that's what is the most fun for me to fill in in my head. Their story. It's during this time that i get to make my world a little more to my liking. Sometimes i get a little carried away and forget that i'm staring at somebody with a strange expression on my face and things can get a little awkward. This may also explain why i tend to be a bit of a weirdo magnet when i'm alone. I unintentionally draw them in with my love for their imaginary life i just created in my head :)

Regardless of the number of awkward interactions i may have because of this problem I wouldn't quit it for anything. Because through these strangers imaginary lives i come to know a little bit more about myself. What type of personalities i might be drawn to, certain qualities that automatically make me turn my nose up, and even certain threads of a persons story that i might actually wish were mine. It's an interesting way to get to know yourself. And for somebody that tends to not be the most eloquent speaker when it comes to meeting strangers, it''s proven to be a lot easier than throwing myself into a situation where i might say the wrong thing and then...that ridiculous fear of rejection that seems to follow me around taunting me might actually turn from a fear and into a reality.

But that's the problem i'm finding with fear. It can save you from some possibly very embarassing situations...but at what cost? At the cost that i may never get to know somebody that could turn out to be a valuable part of my life? That i might be holding back the words that could possibly be exactly what that person has been needing to hear?

Fear of rejection has always been a big one in my life, but it had not been something that i've spent a lot of time thinking about lately. Until the other day when a friend of mine talked to me about reaching out to some of the teenagers in one of the ministries in our church. As soon as he asked, my heart started beating faster and that old familiar friend of mine popped up...that fear of rejection.

Excuses flowed out of my mouth as i tried to avoid commiting to anything and i quickly tried to change the subject. But it brought it back to my attention that sometimes, i do still struggle with that fear. It seems ridiculous to me that i could be so easily intimidated by a few girls that are several years younger than me...that i don't even know...who attend the same church with me...worship the same Creator as me... Yet i might let the fear of their possible rejection of me keep me from reaching out into their lives to help them through some of the roughest years us girls go through.

I've told God over the past few months to kill off everything in me that has to do with...well, me. I want to be dead to my own idea of self reliance and be able to be used as much as possible for his glory. So with that in mind, I've decided this fear thing has just got to go. It's not bringing him any glory and it's only keeping me bound to my own fears...of which i've renounced any right.

So here's to a new way of thinking...a new way of acting and believing.

And who knows. Maybe in the meantime I'll start talking to some of those strangers whose stories i've collected in my head.

Why I Can't Seem To Wake Up

I have officially given up coffee.

It almost brings me to tears to even write that sentence, but that just reminds me that it was definitely time to let it go.

I'm not saying I'll never enjoy the occasional Pumpkin Spice Latte (Dear God, why did I quit coffee just in time for the return of Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte?)... Just that I'm determined for the quality of my day to no longer be determined by the amount of caffeine i have or have not ingested.

This decision came about during my recent trip to Memphis to see Journey. Did I mention that I got a free ticket to see Journey? Well, I did. And it was amazing. And although the brilliant vocals of Steve Perry were not able to be there, I did get to hear some pretty amazing pipes via the small Philipino man doing herkies and leaps and jumping jacks all over the stage for two hours. It was a great night :)

It was on that drive to Memphis that I started quizzing a friend of mine that is in school for speech therapy about the vocal chords. My voice has been sore for several months and I had gotten myself all worked up with worry the night before and had convinced myself that I had developed vocal nodules. I know that i do not sing correctly and i thought possibly my voice was finally fighting back. As i quizzed Cecilia she made it clear that I did not in fact have to have vocal chord surgery...but "you may want to give up drinking coffee".

That did not go over well with me.

She explained that if I came into her clinic with the same problems that they would put me on a strict no caffeine diet to cure the problem. I basically told her that there was not a chance in the world that I was going to give up coffee so my voice was just going to have to go on hurting.

The next morning we left Memphis early to get me back to church in time to do worship. After I demanded that we stop at a Starbucks on the way out of town we hit the road and nobody said much as we listened to worship music and tried to wake up. As I sat in the back seat, hands folded around my beloved drink I thought back over our conversation the day before. As i thought back through every thing that Cecilia had said I felt God ask me "If you HAD to choose between doing worship for the rest of your life or drinking coffee for the rest of your life, which would you choose?"

And I hesitated.

I knew what the obvious answer was, but the idea of giving up coffee...my comfort...every morning... made me want to die.

And it was in that moment that I knew that my love for coffee had gotten a tad out of control.

Let me make it clear that I do not believe God was asking for me to choose one over the other. But his question got me thinking as to what other comforts I may be making a priority over serving Him. It's something that I've decided to continually ask myself...to make sure there is no more of me getting in the way of more of Him.

Let's just hope that He doesn't ask me to give up reality television.

New Beginning

I remember the feeling I had when I first decided to start blogging. The desire to have a place where I publicly displayed my thoughts and words but the fear that was there of having people i know actually reading those thoughts and words. I kept it private for a while...Put a few posts out there and was somewhat satisfied with the idea that I was completely honest in what i was trying to say AND not having to be afraid of how it made people think of me.

But if you know me then you know that when i love something or get excited about something it's not even remotely possible for me to keep it to myself. I have to drag everybody i know and even people i don't know into loving this new thing that i love so much. Combine that with my love for community and before long many of the people i knew now knew of my blog and had created one of their own.

Which i love.

But somewhere in there i forgot the initial reason i started blogging. And that's because i love to write. I have way to many thoughts and freak occurrences and strange quirks to want to keep them all to myself. When i do, i feel like i'm going to self combust and really, who likes that feeling?

But with more people who actually know me possibly reading my words came the fear of not being able to write like i really want. With each post came the.."okay, do people really care?" "are they going to think that i'm blogging too much." "can i really be that transparent. WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK???"

And friends, i don't like living that way.

I toyed around with the idea of starting a new blog and not telling ANYONE. But lets be real here. That's not even a possibility for me. Before long i would tell someone. And then I would tell someone else. And before long I'd be right back to where I am now. Besides, I would rather deal with whatever fear I have of being transparent and doing things the way I WANT TO DO THEM instead of avoiding and running and giving up. In other words, i'm trying not to be a quitter here.

So, with all of that said...I'm trying to get back to actually being me on here. I want to get back to feeling like i can be brutally honest about things that happen to me or the way i feel or my thoughts on the stock market. (Ok, i can almost completely assure you that my thoughts on the stock market won't actually come up much here. Because that would mean that I actually UNDERSTOOD the stock market. And honestly...i just don't.)

The girls on our worship team started a new small group this semester and we met for the first time this past Tuesday night. It was AMAZING. We were completely honest with each other and sweetly lifted each other up in prayer and not so sweetly did some major warfare on behalf of our sisters...it was beautiful and empowering. Something that one of them spoke over me was the verse of new beginnings. She said that she believed that was what God was doing in me right now. And that's my prayer. That the old would die and the new would spring forth. That it would mean a death to the old fear and sin and relying on my own strength...and that the new would rise up. A new purpose a new confidence and a new reliance completely on my Father.

So in honor of my new beginning i present...well, myself...back into the blogging arena...the way i actually care about doing it.

Never Say I Never

When I was in Florida a couple of weeks ago, Carrie Beth and I stumbled across the cutest little bookstore ever. As we meandered around, soaking in all of the books and the cuteness something caught my eye and I immediately fetched CB to my side. As we gazed up at what was in front of us the area seemed to be surrounded in a holy glow of light and I'm pretty sure Carrie Beth stopped breathing for about 30 seconds because we were standing in front of her idea of holy ground.

I had no idea that so many books could be categorized as "southern fiction" but we had a blast searching through all of the titles and trying to reign in Carrie Beth as she wanted to buy every book she set eyes on :) I bought one book and then we moved on to a day that will forever be known as the day that I spent more money shopping than i ever have before.

As soon as we got back to the house we were staying in I cracked open the book and eagerly began devouring it. Carrie Beth warned me what the main story line might not be something that i would enjoy a great deal, but I waved her away like it didn't matter because hello, i read her last book and it was fabulous and surely it can't be that bad.

It was that bad.

The thing is, if it weren't for what the story was actually about I would be singing this books praises from the heavens. The author is a phenomenal writer and I am completely obsessed with her words, and there is one side plot that has held my thoughts for several days now.

The book is The Mermaid Chair (Sue Monk Kidd's last book was The Secret Life of Bees. Sooo good), and it's about a woman who has an affair with a monk. I know, I know, how in the world did I not notice that I probably would have a problem with that? I don't know...my love for good literature must have blinded me.

The one side plot that I am obsessed with is about the main character's mother who is suffering through some kind of emotional/psychotic breakdown throughout the book. The main character spends a lot of time remembering her mother's relationship with her best friends throughout the years. I've always loved movies and books about women who have been friends forever. Who have known each other through life's ups and downs and hold tight to each other's secrets because of the loyalty of their bond to each other. It's because of this reason that I must admit that I absolutely loved the Ya Ya Sisterhood movie and why I must admit again that I have been pestering Callie since i've read this book to have a movie night where we watch it at her perfect house :)

There is one chapter of this book that I have read and re-read. In this chapter the main character is recounting a moment of her childhood that describes in perfect detail an outsiders view of the bond held between her mother and her closest friends. She remembers a friendship ritual that the women concocted on the spot that irrevocably tied their lives to one another. As she is remembering how deep these friendships go, here is something that she states: "Something struck me then: I'd never done any of those things my mother had done. Never danced on a beach. Never made a bonfire. Never waded into the ocean at night with laughing women and tied my life to theirs."

As i read that i sat back on my porch swing and digested the idea of what I'd just read. As I rocked slowly, I thought back on my life and how blessed I've been to always have a bounty of close friends, and even more blessed to have a handful that I would say I've metaphorically waded into the ocean with and tied my life to theirs. It is my desperate prayer that those friendships will hold through marriages and babies and distance and tragedy and disagreements. But most of all, through time. I don't want to be a person that looks back on my life to think "I never lived enough. I never loved enough."

It is my prayer that God would continually remind to really live fully in the places and relationships and circumstances that He has placed me in. That I won't wake up one day with regret saying "I never".

God has been showing me the importance of "embracing the moment" for a while now. I've been so focused on the future for so long that sometimes it's been hard for me to fully appreciate what God is doing in the now. And even harder for me to appreciate where I am at in the now. This has been a summer of ups and downs. A season of neck breaking speed and slow crawling time. It has been a time of growth and renewal. And a time of bitter honesty about who I am and who He is. I guess what I'm trying to get at in this long rambling post is this: Wherever I'm at. Whatever I'm doing. However I feel. I want to do, feel and be to the absolute fullest. I want to see God in everything that happens. I want to love and i want to live.

End of story.

Closing The Store Is the Brave Thing To Do

I've had yesterday and today off of work which is exactly what i needed to get everything packed and ready to be moved. My mom came back into town today to help me finish packing everything and then went with me on the endless list of errands i needed to run so that my life could be stored properly in Conway until...well...that's the part i keep freaking out about.

You see, I'm moving out of the house that i love so very much...a house that has brought laughter and tears and revelation and healing...a house that has been a gathering place and a shelter. I don't want to leave this house. I don't want to move away from the convenience of having a fire at the flip of a switch (or more importantly, the smores that said fire implies). I don't want to leave my cozy little room or the ability to park my car in a garage. I love this place and i'm so sad to be leaving it.

The part that scares me the most though is the fact that i don't have a clue what's next. Today i started moving my stuff into a storage building. By friday almost everything i own will be in one 10x10 space protected only by a sliding door and a padlock.

Luckily my aunt and uncle have a beautiful house and are more than willing for me to stay there during this "transition period". I'm so thankful for that and in some ways really looking forward to spending some time there. My aunt is an amazing woman and i am excited to get to spend some more time with her. And in a way this will be like a little sabbatical for me because they only have dial up internet. And i am WAY to impatient to even give that a try. Which is good because they have a back porch that i would kill for and if i spent any time away from rocking slowly on that porch swing with a good book in hand because of the internet, then more than likely i would end up resenting something...and i just don't want to go there :)

The thing that scares me though is that for the first time in my life, i don't have a clue what to expect next. Usually i at least have an inkling of what is next that i can prepare for or look forward to. Like when i quit my job. I didn't know exactly what was next, but i had a small idea of what it could look like.

Yeah, i don't have that here.

I have absolutely no clue.

Right now i'm reading a book about worship that is challenging me in so many areas. I love that. And therefore i love this book. One of the many quotes that i have underlined (and written in my journal. And displayed in my car) says this:

Simply rehearsing our problems is not worshiping God.

Recalling his character in the midst of them is.

And that's something that God keeps bringing back to mind for me. To remember all that He's done for me. To remember the times that He's pulled through for me in major ways.

This time is completely scary for me, yes. But at the same time...It's exhilarating.

I've been asking God for so long to take away anything in me that does not line up for His will in my life. I've asked for him to take me off any track that I've put myself on that will not lead to what He has for me. Basically, for him to take everything i might do completely out of the picture and lead me, even if i don't know where i'm being led to.

Just three weeks ago I told him i was releasing any claim that i've made on my life for myself that i think i deserve so that He can use me, not for what i deserve, but what He's called me to.

Three weeks ago i did not imagine that this is what that would look like.

But isn't that the beauty of who He is? For me, He never does what i imagine He will do. He always does something incomparably better.

So when i think about how long I've been begging God to do huge things in my life...and now i look at my life and i have a job that though i love, is the kind of job that i know will not be a long term thing for me...and i have a home that is only transitory...which both of those together makes my life completely transitory. And honestly, i don't know if i've ever been in a more vulnerable place before God. Which is exciting because if i have no control over my life then that means that only He does.

That's good news.

Today as i was discussing all of this with my mom, she turned and looked at me and ever so wisely stated:

CLOSING THE STORE IS THE BRAVE THING TO DO!

Sure mom. I know exactly what that means.

After a moment of looking at her like she was crazy, what else was there for her to do but to say it again?

CLOSING THE STORE IS THE BRAVE THING TO DO!

I finally had the sense to ask her what in the world she meant and she went on to describe this scene from You've Got Mail.

Meg Ryan's character has a charming little book store that has been run out of business by Tom Hanks character's mega store. There is a scene where she is discussing this with her surrogate mother figure in the movie, Birdie. Meg Ryan tells her with a sad, resigned sigh that she's decided to close the store. And Birdie replies ever so confidently:

CLOSING THE STORE IS THE BRAVE THING TO DO.

Meg Ryan tells her that she is lying and Birdie responds with this profound statement.

You are daring to imagine that you could have a different life.

My mother finished describing this scene and said to me "Becca. That is you. What you are doing is the brave thing to do. You are putting all of your hope and trust in God. You are daring to imagine that you could have a different life."

And suddenly i knew. I may have fear. I may feel completely exposed and vulnerable. But I am exactly where i need to be. I don't know where in the world i'll be in two months. Or one month for that matter. But i do know that i have a God that is bigger than all of my hopes and dreams and fears and failures put together.

And that's not a bad place to rest.

Joel and Matt Say it Better Than Me

Tear: Down: The: Walls:

Tear down the walls

See the world

Is there something we have missed?

Turn from ourselves

Look Beyond

There is so much more than this

And I don't need to see it to believe it.

I don't need to see it to believe it.

Cause I can't shake this fire burning deep inside my heart

Look to the skies

HOPE ARISE

See His majesty revealed

More than this life

There is love

There is hope

And this is real

Cause i don't need to see it to believe it

I don't need to see it to believe it

This life is yours 

and hope is rising

As your glory floods our hearts

Let love tear down these walls

That all creation would come back to you

Your name is Glorious

Glorious

Your love is changing us

Calling us

To worship in spirit and in truth

As all creation returns to You

Oh for all the sons and daughters

Who are walking in the darkness

You are calling us to lead them back to You

We will see your spirit rising

As the lost come out of hiding

Every heart will see this hope we have in You

For Today

I haven't talked about my previous job a lot, but for a little over two years i worked as a caseworker for families with children in foster care.  This was not a career i had dreamt of doing while in college, but the opportunity came up as i was graduating and not really knowing WHAT i wanted to do with my life i grabbed at the opportunity for a grown up job with a grown up salary.  Getting to help people was actually a bonus :)

I in no way regret the time that i spent doing this work.  In fact, though it was probably the hardest two years of my life, i appreciate so much everything that i learned from being forced into situations that were totally uncomfortable for me.  From the overwhelming amount of work to be done in an absurdly small amount of time to loving families that i never would have met outside of this position, every experience i had there grew me in a way that i never would have grown otherwise. 

I remember the very first time i had to testify in court. Me...a completely naive girl raised in what i soon learned was a completely protected bubble...fresh out of college without even an ounce of experience in this profession...and i had to testify in court against a bipolar prostitute who seriously wanted to injure me.

I was completely, out of my mind, scared to death.

I eventually got a little more comfortable in the courtroom and actually got pretty decent at testifying in court while somebody was across the room leering at me and shouting lies my way.  Sound made up?  Not even a little...

A few months in to this new job i started to discover new levels of stress that i had never even imagined existed.  For the first 6 months to a year of this job i would wake up almost nightly having a panic attack.  I was a mess.  One of my mentor's at my job talked to me about having boundaries and "leaving work at work"...but this made no sense to me.  How do you just shut off caring about someone and trying to figure out how to fix their situation at 5:00 everyday?  I just couldn't figure out how to do that.

I was almost completely at the end of my rope when i finally was able to look up to God long enough to receive his help.  I was doing a Beth Moore study at the time about the Old Testament Temple and everything that entailed the worship of God at that time.  I remember sitting on my bed late one night, knowing that i needed to go to sleep so that i could function at work the next day...but being desperate to receive something, anything from God that would sustain me.

I was reading through Exodus and the Israelites journey through the desert to the Promised Land.  This was something that i'd read and heard told for almost all of my life, but as i was doing my study Beth made me slow down and really look at what i was reading.  I was reading about how God provided manna for his children everyday as they were traveling.  I had never thought twice about this, but when i slowed down and really thought about it, it seemed to leap off the page at me.  

God provided for them.  Not in a small way...not in a big way.  In exactly the way that they needed for the day.  He provided enough for them to survive that exact day.  Any leftovers they had would be rotted the next day, so they were forced to receive from him only what they needed to make it through that very day.

I thought about what this meant in my life.  Sometimes i get caught in extremes.  I'll either come to God with enormous things that need from him...and then sometimes i just don't come to him at all with things.  I'm very "all or nothing" with a lot of areas of my life.  And i thought about each day.  Each day how much energy i needed to make it through all of my appointments and paperwork.  Each day how much grace i needed to extend to the families i was working with.  Each day how much love i needed to pour out on the people that were hurting and needy.  Each day how much patience i needed so that i didn't blow up on somebody.

Was i able to believe him for enough just for one day?  Sure i was.  

I began writing the word "manna" across my wrist each day as a reminder to believe that he is faithful to provide exactly how much i need for that day.  At moments when i was overcome with the amount of work i had to do, or angry at a client for cussing me out, or annoyed with a child that had just run away from their foster home for the fifth time...at those moments i would glance down at my wrist and see His reminder.  That he had given me enough for that day.  That his grace is bigger than any situation i had gotten myself into.

Slowly, the panic attacks began to cease.  The times i would have to hide in my car and have an emotional breakdown became less and less.  And the more i was able to extend grace to people that tested my limits each day.

God's reminder of his manna is what helped me last the 27 months that i worked there. But once i quit i didn't really think about it much anymore  But the other day i started to have a mini freak out with HIm...Me reminding him that it looks like i'm moving backwards in life...that i'm nowhere near where i always thought i would be at this point in my life.  When i heard him whisper that word again...manna.

And he reminded me...that i don't have to have next month figured out...or next week.  Or even tomorrow.  I just have to know that i am exactly where He wants me to be today.  That i have followed him and he has led me here.  For some reasons i know, and for some reasons i'm sure i don't.  But i asked Him to lead me, and he led me here...so for today i know that i am where i should be.  For today i know that he will provide for my every need.  For today i know that he has not forgotten me.  For today he is still leading me towards tomorrow.

Love

This afternoon in my time with God, 1 Corinthians 13 caught my eye. 

Love is patient, love is kind.  Love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-serving.

Wait...love is not self-serving?  That really caught my attention.  I remembered that i once heard to go back through that passage and replace every time love is said with your name.  I tried that...

Rebecca is not self serving.

I proclaimed it like a banner over my life to see if it fit.

It didn't.

Ouch.

Out of all the passages in the bible, 1 Cor 13 is one of the few that i actually know by heart.  I learned it in the 8th grade during my junior high obsession with a 9th grader.  Rachel, who was the first mentor type person to enter my life, was 5 years older than me and i believed that she could do no wrong.  She made me memorize these love verses probably hoping to inject some Godly realism into my "hopeless love" drama... and so of course i followed her every suggestion.

Somehow these words stuck in my head through all of these years and I've always loved this grouping of verses.  When spoken aloud they seem to radiate a certain ethereal type of life throughout my soul.  These words take me back to the First Southern Baptist Church gym in Bryant and all the drama that went along with being an 8th grade girl.  These words followed me through the next several years, attaching themselves to memories and places and faces that i have known and loved and cherish.  These words chase me through dry spells and mountain tops.  They've called my name during heartache and disappointment, and rejoiced with me in those moments that i thought there was no way life could ever get any better.  These words have been my blanket wrapping around me on cold lonely nights, moments of doubt, moments of surrender and moments of pure, unadulterated love.  Because if this is the kind of love our Maker is calling us to have, then i know without a doubt that this is the kind of love that He is.

Today as i fondly read over these familiar verses and tested them to see if they've held true in my life it was that one line... love is not self serving...that sent the arrows of conviction through my heart.  If i had to sum up all of my actions into one term lately, would it be love?

Sadly, i think self serving would be a more adequate word.

Thank God for wake up calls.  And thank God for his grace.

He is my love.

And love never fails.

At This Rate I Might As Well Trade the Civic In For a Canoe

The rain came.  And it came and it came and it came.

And friends...it still hasn't stopped.

Now, i'm never one to knock a good rainstorm...especially if with it comes much thunder and lightning.  But every single stinkin' day for a week solid?  Including my favorite weekend of the year?  And did i mention that it's May? Time for the sun to be shining and the outdoor fun to be having made.

Ok, enough with the rant...

Because of the afore mentioned rain (i did mention the rain, right?) my weekend went a lot differently than i planned.  I'd been looking forward to the past four days for the past twelve months and while i'm a little heart broken that all of my time was not consumed by the beauty that is stuck on a truck...this weekend was definitely much needed.

This past weekend embodied such a simple, peaceful bliss.  I didn't do anything major....mainly just hung around different spots of this town that i love so much...drinking a lot of coffee and having a lot of refreshing conversation with lovely friends. Callie moved into the cutest old house downtown and it has some major porch action going on...we're talking fabulous porches in the front AND the back...including two absolutely perfect porch swings.  And that's where i spent a lot of my time...just rocking slowly as the rain poured and the thunder rumbled and i sipped my coffee and and my soul soared.  

I don't know about you, but God seems to speak in themes in my life.  And while there for a couple of months things were more of a quiet understanding between me and God about our love for each other....now we seem to be having more of this glorious dialogue thing going on that i am just adoring.  And there is this one theme that keeps coming up again and again and again.  Maybe i'll share more eventually, but just know that for now...it's changing everything about the way i think.  And hopefully making me a better person....that hopefully can display the love of God in a more real way.  

This quiet, reflective, bliss of a weekend somehow seemed to cement in me that work that God is doing.  So would i trade that for all the stuck on a truck in the world?  No way.

But man...all the stuck on a truck in the world that i wanted?  What a thought...

Becoming Me Again

(thunder rumble)

I've discovered about myself that the longer the breaks i take between blogging the harder it is for me to blog again.  I keep meaning to post and keep meaning to post and then when i finally have a chance to, i feel overwhelmed with all the things (thunder rumble) that i have wanted to say and then i feel building pressure for it to be amazing....and then i crumple under the pressure which results in no blog.

I've also discovered about myself that i am much more likely to blog if there is some kind of weather event going on.  A storm is moving in and for some reason i thought it would be appropriate to document every thunder rumble as it makes it's way towards me.  I'm not sure (thunder rumble) why i think that....but this is my blog and if i want to obsess over weather patterns i feel i am entitled to that :)

I've felt kind of lost lately.  Not in a 'depressed, i hate my life' kind of way.  Not even close to that. But more in a 'i've been so busy and distracted to take time to notice the little things that make me, me' kind of way.  I am usually a pretty happy person by nature, but i've noticed a pattern.  When I get busy and begin to obsess over things that aren't the Lord, my time with Him begins to get less and less.  And then the less time i spend with Him the more i stop noticing the little things about life that usually give me more pleasure than anything.  And then it's not necessarily that i get "unhappy" as much as i just am more easily aggravated and annoyed by small things than i usually am.  Oh, and MUCH more judgmental.  And really, who am i to be judgmental of others AT ALL? 

There has been a shifting the past couple of weeks.  It's not necessarily that i've gotten any heavy revelations from God or anything...it's more that He's just slowly re-revealing Himself to me through small joys.  And reminding me of the things that I love about Him.  And the things that He loves about me.  

One of my favorite things about my job is getting to hear all of the different stories that people come in with.  (I never said i was good with conversational transitions). I am the doctor's assistant at my work which means i get to go into consultations with him all day as he tries to decide who he can treat and who he cannot.  And one of my very favorite things that i hear come from the lips of pretty much every man over the age of 70 is when they call the doctor "doc".  I love it.  I had one elderly man this week that said these words in his slow southern drawl "Well Doc...I just think that if I were able to get this back pain under control that I would be able to get up and run a foot race!"  A FOOT RACE!  I don't think i've heard those words since i was about seven years old!  And it took everything in me to keep myself composed and not laugh out loud.  Because i think that may have been one of the most precious things i've heard in a while.

ALSO....one of my job responsibilities is to call the patients that will be coming in the following week and go over a few questions with them.  And i kid you not, i had to call a woman this week with the name of Elvis.  She told me that she goes by Christine...which, of course makes sense...

But it took EVERYTHING in me...i'm talking biting down on my lip and repeating to myself over and over in my head "do not say Elvis. do not say Elvis"  to actually not call her Elvis.

Such a waste of a name if you ask me.

This has been a wild smorgasbord of thoughts that i have decided to call a blog today.  Hopefully now that i've broken the blog ice i can be back later this week with a more organized thought process.  And if you haven't noticed the thunder rumbles have stopped.  So i'm off to investigate and beg God to move that enormous storm i saw on the radar earlier a little closer to my house :)

Love.

Dear April,

I have high hopes for you.  I have committed that you will be a month of more time spent with my Maker,  time spent slowing down and really appreciating the great storms you surely will throw my way (like today!),  getting back to actually doing the little things that i love, LESS NAPS, and adventure to find beauty.

Also i vow to stop wasting so much of my valuable time on the computer.  I mean it.  There's even been talk of a week long break up between the internet and myself.  I'm just saying.

So in short April, i have put a lot of trust in you to meet my oh so high expectations.  I really do think you will be marvelous.

Your friend,

Rebecca M. Honea

Unfailing Love

I'm in a dry spell.

In life. In my walk with God. Just in general.

I know that we are all bound to go through times like this from time to time.  But when i don't feel as connected to God as i am used to i turn into...well...a jerk.

I know that when i have a hard time understanding God's love for me it is extremely hard for me to love other people.  And i snap at friends...and i have a hard time with compassion...and i get angered easily.  

The amazing thing about Him is that even when i don't feel worthy to be in His presence...when i run out of patience with His children and don't even come close to treating them the way that He calls us to...when it's easier for me to crawl into bed in the middle of the afternoon and take a nap then to spend some time with my Maker...despite all of this He still tries to show me daily His love for me.  I don't deserve that kind of love.  But still He lavishes me with it.

So He is still speaking to me...and I to Him...

But something is still amiss.

I know that it is in these times that He shows Himself most...I just need to hang onto that truth.

Until then, this will be my prayer..."Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days"-Psalm 90:14

Hope, Promises and the Bachelor

Okay, first and foremost...The Bachelor.

WHAT THE HECK???  I hardly have words.  Except that i do.  And they are not pretty.  For some reason the words stupid, ridiculous, jerk face butt munch hole come to mind.

And ABC, you're not without fault for this fiasco they called the Bachelor finale.

Disgusting...

Anyways, i swore off ever watching the Bachelor again.  But i guess we'll see next season if my oath holds any validity.  In the meantime i promise not to spend an obscene amount of time being mad at a television show again.  At least, i hope.

Okay, seriously though...i'm really moving onto more serious matters now.

I woke up this morning questioning everything about where i am in life right now.  Sounds about right since i wrote the other day about finally feeling a sense of purpose in my life.  But of course, that doubt began to seep back in slowly and my thoughts this morning were along the lines of "is this really what im supposed to be doing right now? Am i moving backwards in life and in my dreams?  What am i accomplishing in life right now?"  These thoughts made their rounds through my mind and thoughts until i could feel the disappointment in myself deep down in my bones.  

And then, in typical fashion, God blew His life back into me.  

In my bible study I was studying Joseph today.  I was reminded that Joseph was betrayed by his brothers and suffered numerous other injustices on top of that.  Yet through it all he held firm to the promise that God had spoken to him.  Even when he was sold into slavery.  Even when he was thrown into jail for being an honorable man.  Even when a promise was broken by a fellow inmate that would have brought about his release.  He held fast to God's dream for him.  

I had all of those circumstances of his running through my head and then i was reminded about how Genesis ends.  Joseph is reunited and reconciled with his brothers.  He is second in the nation only to Pharaoh himself. His father Jacob is able to speak a special blessing over Joseph's sons.  Everything was made right. God's promises were fulfilled far better than if Joseph had taken them into his own hands.

And i felt that hope begin to well up again within me.  I know that God has spoken several promises to me.  I know that He called me out of my old job.  I know that i'm doing what i'm supposed to be doing right now.  Even when from the outside it may look like i have no idea what i'm doing with my life...actually, that may be true.  But the thing is, God does.  And i have faith in Him.  Even if it slips from time to time...I believe in His goodness. In His sovereignty. In His love for me.  And i don't really need to believe in anything else.  

He is good...that's all that matters.

To close, i will leave you with a quote from Beth that especially moved my heart this week.  It's about Jacob leaning on his staff to worship God as he was blessing Joseph's sons right before he was about to die.

"Something about picturing the worship of the old man just before he died is precious...Few things could be more priceless than a generational heritage of worship."  

Amen Beth...Amen.

Some Words of Wisdom from Ol' Chuck

"Low tide...how painful yet how essential. Without it the changing ocean becomes a predictable boring body of water with no mysterious marriage to the moon, lacking its romantic magnetic appeal. Without it there would be no need for Elishas to minister to anguished Elijahs...no need for visionaries to fall in dependance on their faces before God...no need for the valiant to be reminded of their source of strength.
Is that all...is that all there is to low tides?

No, there is more, much more.
Most of which can never be described...only discovered."

-Charles Swindol

He is Making Himself Known

Tonight has been a good night and i feel so lucky to be where i am in life. Not only did Kris make it into the top 12 (and finally, FINALLY i stopped jumping up and down) but i had a good/refreshing time with some friends at dinner afterwards and then, praise the Lord most high...He sent me my storm that i've been craving for so long.

As i type i am sitting on my back porch in my favorite red camping chair watching the lightening, listening to the rain fall and the thunder rumble, and breathing in deep that delicious smell that only makes its self known during these wonderful storms.
It's been that slow building type of storm...the very best kind. That starts as a flicker of light across the sky and slowly builds in rumbles and wind gusts and the steady slow start to rain.
My Maker certainly knows how to pursue me :)

It's so good to know that throughout all the uncertainties that this past year has held, that I really am exactly where i feel i'm supposed to be. And that even when nothing in my life felt stable or that dependable...that never, not once, was i ever deserted or abandoned by my God. It's been a while since i've felt this purposed in life, and it's a wonderful feeling. To be able to look and see that just by trusting my Father that He has placed me in several different places where i know, without a shadow of a doubt, that i am SUPPOSED to be there.

Rain and storms always make me reflective and dreamy...it's one of the reasons i love them so much. So that is what i'm off to do now...reflect and dream.

And then sleep the deep peaceful sleep of a person that does not have to wake up at 5 am tomorrow morning. Even if that was my only reason to praise Him, i most certainly would for that!

Love.

The Week of Santa Ana Winds...

This is one of my favorite weeks of the year.  This is the week that my beloved church partakes of an annual corporate week long fast to bring in the new year.   I love my church...i love the leadership, the people, the worship, the teaching...i love the way my church loves.  And i am so blessed to be a part of a church that while remaining culturally relevant does not deny the importance of biblical teachings that sometimes can be somewhat unpopular...like fasting.  

Truthfully, in the past, I've always avoided fasts if at all possible.  In fact i can remember several times when those around me would find a need to fast...and i would just avoid people for the following set amount of time so that they wouldn't know how spiritually depleted i felt that i was. Because if there is something i hate giving up, it is definitely food :)

But over the past year i've begun to fall in love with this discipline.  About this time last year i really started learning about the importance of it...and why it can be such a power in our lives.  And as i began to exercise it, i discovered that i really and truly loved it!  

It's not necessarily the giving up food part that i loved (obviously) but that i began to actually find out what the bible is talking about when it says that "His power is made perfect in our weakness"  Because it turns out that when we come to the end of ourselves, that it is usually there that we discover God's all-sufficiency.  And guys, i definitely am a better person when i am made weak and He is made strong.  Less of me is always a good thing :)

A friend and I were talking about this fast over a cup of coffee at the Brewery [i obviously did not give up caffeine this week :) ] and we began to discuss the things that we were desperate to see God do this week.  The things that we are having trouble believing Him for, but are SO needing His hand on.  The things within us that we are longing for Him to change in us.  And as we shared with each other the ways in which we were desperate to see God move this week you could almost feel a certain hope rise up at the table.  Because we've both seen the power of fasting.  The power of being made weak so that He can be made strong.  And it's like we both began to sense that huge things could be set in motion this week...and that it was really okay to believe Him for really really big things.

One of my favorite movies is The Holiday.  I'm not sure what it is about this movie that has caused so many to love it so much...i myself saw it in the theater an astounding four times before it was released on dvd...not to mention the countless times i've watched it sense then.  Ridiculous, i know.  But still true.

Part of this movie takes place in L.A. over Christmas.  And during this time Jack Black's character talks about the Santa Ana winds several times.  He mentions once that legend has it that when these winds blow that anything can happen...all bets are off.

And that is how i feel about this week.  I know that God responds to our desperate cries to Him.  And i genuinely feel that not only am i at a pivotal moment in my life where i am needing God to intervene/direct on my behalf, but also that He is wanting to do some incredible things throughout the earth.  And hopefully these two things will be intertwined because i yearn to be used by Him throughout the world...to do big things for His name..to tell people about His glory...to see them set free...to show them the love that He's so graciously lavished upon me.

And why not start that this week?  The week of the Santa Ana Winds...anything can happen.

Not Ready Yet

The other night we had anytime worship at abe's apartment.  Which, for those poor unfortunate souls (you have little mermaid songs in your head now, don't you?) who have never been to anytime worship, it is basically a spontaneous night of worship where we are able to go and worship, or read and journal, or pray, or just sit in the presence of God...it's completely laid back and i love it.  

Before we started with worship that night, several of us were sitting in the living room conversing and waiting to begin.  I don't remember what prompted him to say this but at one point before we began abe pointed to a door off to the side of the living room that i had not noticed before and said "don't go in there yet.  it's not ready".  

As  soon as he said this everything in me wanted to go into the forbidden room.  That's so stupid, i thought.  It's just messy because he hasn't gotten it completely put together yet.

I almost got my butt of the couch and marched right in there to show him that "who cares if its ready.  I know it doesn't matter...i'll just show him."

But i refrained.  A little while later as we were about to begin worship for the night abe told us that as we were worshipping throughout the night that he wanted us each to make our way into this previously forbidden room.  He told us a few details about what he wanted us to do once in there, but mainly said that we would understand when we got in there.

The night progressed with particularly great worship...you could sense the presence of God and there were several times that i just wanted to throw myself down on the ground before Him.  (i did restrain myself though:)  )

Finally i decided it was time to discover the secret of the room.  Once i entered i was blown away.  I saw this fantastic painting that a friend of abe's had painted on his wall that afternoon.  Unfortunately i don't have a picture, but painted on the wall were a giant pair of hands holding out a heart, with the words "we are love" painted around it.  The instructions we were given were to write something about love within the heart.  It ended up looking pretty amazing in the end.  My stellar visual imagery skills just don't do it justice i'm afraid.  But it definitely added to the worship experience for the night.

As i headed out of the room and back to my spot on the carpet alongside my trusty bible and favorite anthropologie journal (the only thing i can afford from the place that i love so much) i began thinking about my initial reaction to abe's request of the room.  I was SO glad that i had not marched in there thinking i knew best and ruined the way that it was supposed to happen.  Not only would i have most likely upset or disappointed abe who had prepared for it to happen a certain way, but by taking matters into my own hands i would not have been able to experience it the way i was made to experience it.  I would have ruined it.  

And that made me think about how often i try to do that with God.

So many times it seems like He says "not yet. you're not ready".  But i'm always so eager to prove Him wrong.  Always so eager to assure Him that i can handle it, no need to wait, and that he should just let me bust right on into that room to show Him.  

But who am i kidding? HE IS GOD.  And just to be real here friends, sometimes i forget that.  Call me a girl...heck, call me American if you like ( i mean, they are both true) but sometimes i really am prone to think that my way is probably better than the creator of the universe.

So often my faith wavers and i think that it's totally necessary to take things into my own hands.  But what happens when i think i know that i should do something that i KNOW God has said i'm not ready for yet?  Not only do i disappoint my Father by ruining the surprise of what He is creating for me, so often i'll miss out on the joy of it...the actual part of it that God has created specifically for me to enjoy.  

I pray that i wouldn't be the girl that is constantly trying to bust into the room that God has prepared for me.  I want to be the girl that has unwavering faith, that when he tells me "not yet. it's not ready." that i actually believe him and delight that he is preparing something for me.

I'm not there yet...but oh how i long to be.