Clive Staples

"Indeed if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased!"

-C.S. Lewis

Four Years Ago...

Last week the topic of xanga came up in conversation, and i was reminded of how much I used to love that little site...And upon reviewing my old page which, embarrassingly enough is still very much out there for all to see, I was reminded of this little gem. And thought I should share it. This is my mind from 2006. Enjoy :)

Monday, 06 February 2006

I can't wait for the Olympics! Speed skating is my life because Apolo Anton Ohno is my boyfriend.

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  Our love is beautiful.

  
  

I Heart

A couple of nights ago I went to see Hillsong United's "I heart" film. It was eye opening and life changing to say the least. I'm still processing a lot of what I saw and heard...but a couple of quotes/scripture jumped out to me that I have just not been able to stop thinking about.

This will have to do until i can form sentences about the ways my heart was broken for the broken in this world.

"When we're apathetic, it's not like we're sleeping through the fire. We're actually fanning the flame."

"If what we do inside the 4 walls of the church doesn't affect the streets we took to get there...maybe we're missing the point."

"I can't stand your religious meetings.

I'm fed up with your conferences and conventions.

I want nothing to do with your religion projects,

your pretentious slogans and goals.

I'm sick of your fund-raising schemes,

your public relations and image making.

I've had all I can of your noisy ego-music.

When was the last time you sang to me?

Do you know what i want?

I want justice-oceans of it.

I want fairness-rivers of it.

That's what I want.

That's all I want."

Amos 5:21-24

Never Say I Never

When I was in Florida a couple of weeks ago, Carrie Beth and I stumbled across the cutest little bookstore ever. As we meandered around, soaking in all of the books and the cuteness something caught my eye and I immediately fetched CB to my side. As we gazed up at what was in front of us the area seemed to be surrounded in a holy glow of light and I'm pretty sure Carrie Beth stopped breathing for about 30 seconds because we were standing in front of her idea of holy ground.

I had no idea that so many books could be categorized as "southern fiction" but we had a blast searching through all of the titles and trying to reign in Carrie Beth as she wanted to buy every book she set eyes on :) I bought one book and then we moved on to a day that will forever be known as the day that I spent more money shopping than i ever have before.

As soon as we got back to the house we were staying in I cracked open the book and eagerly began devouring it. Carrie Beth warned me what the main story line might not be something that i would enjoy a great deal, but I waved her away like it didn't matter because hello, i read her last book and it was fabulous and surely it can't be that bad.

It was that bad.

The thing is, if it weren't for what the story was actually about I would be singing this books praises from the heavens. The author is a phenomenal writer and I am completely obsessed with her words, and there is one side plot that has held my thoughts for several days now.

The book is The Mermaid Chair (Sue Monk Kidd's last book was The Secret Life of Bees. Sooo good), and it's about a woman who has an affair with a monk. I know, I know, how in the world did I not notice that I probably would have a problem with that? I don't know...my love for good literature must have blinded me.

The one side plot that I am obsessed with is about the main character's mother who is suffering through some kind of emotional/psychotic breakdown throughout the book. The main character spends a lot of time remembering her mother's relationship with her best friends throughout the years. I've always loved movies and books about women who have been friends forever. Who have known each other through life's ups and downs and hold tight to each other's secrets because of the loyalty of their bond to each other. It's because of this reason that I must admit that I absolutely loved the Ya Ya Sisterhood movie and why I must admit again that I have been pestering Callie since i've read this book to have a movie night where we watch it at her perfect house :)

There is one chapter of this book that I have read and re-read. In this chapter the main character is recounting a moment of her childhood that describes in perfect detail an outsiders view of the bond held between her mother and her closest friends. She remembers a friendship ritual that the women concocted on the spot that irrevocably tied their lives to one another. As she is remembering how deep these friendships go, here is something that she states: "Something struck me then: I'd never done any of those things my mother had done. Never danced on a beach. Never made a bonfire. Never waded into the ocean at night with laughing women and tied my life to theirs."

As i read that i sat back on my porch swing and digested the idea of what I'd just read. As I rocked slowly, I thought back on my life and how blessed I've been to always have a bounty of close friends, and even more blessed to have a handful that I would say I've metaphorically waded into the ocean with and tied my life to theirs. It is my desperate prayer that those friendships will hold through marriages and babies and distance and tragedy and disagreements. But most of all, through time. I don't want to be a person that looks back on my life to think "I never lived enough. I never loved enough."

It is my prayer that God would continually remind to really live fully in the places and relationships and circumstances that He has placed me in. That I won't wake up one day with regret saying "I never".

God has been showing me the importance of "embracing the moment" for a while now. I've been so focused on the future for so long that sometimes it's been hard for me to fully appreciate what God is doing in the now. And even harder for me to appreciate where I am at in the now. This has been a summer of ups and downs. A season of neck breaking speed and slow crawling time. It has been a time of growth and renewal. And a time of bitter honesty about who I am and who He is. I guess what I'm trying to get at in this long rambling post is this: Wherever I'm at. Whatever I'm doing. However I feel. I want to do, feel and be to the absolute fullest. I want to see God in everything that happens. I want to love and i want to live.

End of story.

Love

This afternoon in my time with God, 1 Corinthians 13 caught my eye. 

Love is patient, love is kind.  Love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-serving.

Wait...love is not self-serving?  That really caught my attention.  I remembered that i once heard to go back through that passage and replace every time love is said with your name.  I tried that...

Rebecca is not self serving.

I proclaimed it like a banner over my life to see if it fit.

It didn't.

Ouch.

Out of all the passages in the bible, 1 Cor 13 is one of the few that i actually know by heart.  I learned it in the 8th grade during my junior high obsession with a 9th grader.  Rachel, who was the first mentor type person to enter my life, was 5 years older than me and i believed that she could do no wrong.  She made me memorize these love verses probably hoping to inject some Godly realism into my "hopeless love" drama... and so of course i followed her every suggestion.

Somehow these words stuck in my head through all of these years and I've always loved this grouping of verses.  When spoken aloud they seem to radiate a certain ethereal type of life throughout my soul.  These words take me back to the First Southern Baptist Church gym in Bryant and all the drama that went along with being an 8th grade girl.  These words followed me through the next several years, attaching themselves to memories and places and faces that i have known and loved and cherish.  These words chase me through dry spells and mountain tops.  They've called my name during heartache and disappointment, and rejoiced with me in those moments that i thought there was no way life could ever get any better.  These words have been my blanket wrapping around me on cold lonely nights, moments of doubt, moments of surrender and moments of pure, unadulterated love.  Because if this is the kind of love our Maker is calling us to have, then i know without a doubt that this is the kind of love that He is.

Today as i fondly read over these familiar verses and tested them to see if they've held true in my life it was that one line... love is not self serving...that sent the arrows of conviction through my heart.  If i had to sum up all of my actions into one term lately, would it be love?

Sadly, i think self serving would be a more adequate word.

Thank God for wake up calls.  And thank God for his grace.

He is my love.

And love never fails.