Tone

This is what happens when you are around musicians too much and don't really understand a word they say.

*I do now realize that 1965 is exactly the time the Beach Boys were around. Forgive me.

Why I Can't Seem To Wake Up

I have officially given up coffee.

It almost brings me to tears to even write that sentence, but that just reminds me that it was definitely time to let it go.

I'm not saying I'll never enjoy the occasional Pumpkin Spice Latte (Dear God, why did I quit coffee just in time for the return of Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte?)... Just that I'm determined for the quality of my day to no longer be determined by the amount of caffeine i have or have not ingested.

This decision came about during my recent trip to Memphis to see Journey. Did I mention that I got a free ticket to see Journey? Well, I did. And it was amazing. And although the brilliant vocals of Steve Perry were not able to be there, I did get to hear some pretty amazing pipes via the small Philipino man doing herkies and leaps and jumping jacks all over the stage for two hours. It was a great night :)

It was on that drive to Memphis that I started quizzing a friend of mine that is in school for speech therapy about the vocal chords. My voice has been sore for several months and I had gotten myself all worked up with worry the night before and had convinced myself that I had developed vocal nodules. I know that i do not sing correctly and i thought possibly my voice was finally fighting back. As i quizzed Cecilia she made it clear that I did not in fact have to have vocal chord surgery...but "you may want to give up drinking coffee".

That did not go over well with me.

She explained that if I came into her clinic with the same problems that they would put me on a strict no caffeine diet to cure the problem. I basically told her that there was not a chance in the world that I was going to give up coffee so my voice was just going to have to go on hurting.

The next morning we left Memphis early to get me back to church in time to do worship. After I demanded that we stop at a Starbucks on the way out of town we hit the road and nobody said much as we listened to worship music and tried to wake up. As I sat in the back seat, hands folded around my beloved drink I thought back over our conversation the day before. As i thought back through every thing that Cecilia had said I felt God ask me "If you HAD to choose between doing worship for the rest of your life or drinking coffee for the rest of your life, which would you choose?"

And I hesitated.

I knew what the obvious answer was, but the idea of giving up coffee...my comfort...every morning... made me want to die.

And it was in that moment that I knew that my love for coffee had gotten a tad out of control.

Let me make it clear that I do not believe God was asking for me to choose one over the other. But his question got me thinking as to what other comforts I may be making a priority over serving Him. It's something that I've decided to continually ask myself...to make sure there is no more of me getting in the way of more of Him.

Let's just hope that He doesn't ask me to give up reality television.

New Beginning

I remember the feeling I had when I first decided to start blogging. The desire to have a place where I publicly displayed my thoughts and words but the fear that was there of having people i know actually reading those thoughts and words. I kept it private for a while...Put a few posts out there and was somewhat satisfied with the idea that I was completely honest in what i was trying to say AND not having to be afraid of how it made people think of me.

But if you know me then you know that when i love something or get excited about something it's not even remotely possible for me to keep it to myself. I have to drag everybody i know and even people i don't know into loving this new thing that i love so much. Combine that with my love for community and before long many of the people i knew now knew of my blog and had created one of their own.

Which i love.

But somewhere in there i forgot the initial reason i started blogging. And that's because i love to write. I have way to many thoughts and freak occurrences and strange quirks to want to keep them all to myself. When i do, i feel like i'm going to self combust and really, who likes that feeling?

But with more people who actually know me possibly reading my words came the fear of not being able to write like i really want. With each post came the.."okay, do people really care?" "are they going to think that i'm blogging too much." "can i really be that transparent. WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK???"

And friends, i don't like living that way.

I toyed around with the idea of starting a new blog and not telling ANYONE. But lets be real here. That's not even a possibility for me. Before long i would tell someone. And then I would tell someone else. And before long I'd be right back to where I am now. Besides, I would rather deal with whatever fear I have of being transparent and doing things the way I WANT TO DO THEM instead of avoiding and running and giving up. In other words, i'm trying not to be a quitter here.

So, with all of that said...I'm trying to get back to actually being me on here. I want to get back to feeling like i can be brutally honest about things that happen to me or the way i feel or my thoughts on the stock market. (Ok, i can almost completely assure you that my thoughts on the stock market won't actually come up much here. Because that would mean that I actually UNDERSTOOD the stock market. And honestly...i just don't.)

The girls on our worship team started a new small group this semester and we met for the first time this past Tuesday night. It was AMAZING. We were completely honest with each other and sweetly lifted each other up in prayer and not so sweetly did some major warfare on behalf of our sisters...it was beautiful and empowering. Something that one of them spoke over me was the verse of new beginnings. She said that she believed that was what God was doing in me right now. And that's my prayer. That the old would die and the new would spring forth. That it would mean a death to the old fear and sin and relying on my own strength...and that the new would rise up. A new purpose a new confidence and a new reliance completely on my Father.

So in honor of my new beginning i present...well, myself...back into the blogging arena...the way i actually care about doing it.

Joel and Matt Say it Better Than Me

Tear: Down: The: Walls:

Tear down the walls

See the world

Is there something we have missed?

Turn from ourselves

Look Beyond

There is so much more than this

And I don't need to see it to believe it.

I don't need to see it to believe it.

Cause I can't shake this fire burning deep inside my heart

Look to the skies

HOPE ARISE

See His majesty revealed

More than this life

There is love

There is hope

And this is real

Cause i don't need to see it to believe it

I don't need to see it to believe it

This life is yours 

and hope is rising

As your glory floods our hearts

Let love tear down these walls

That all creation would come back to you

Your name is Glorious

Glorious

Your love is changing us

Calling us

To worship in spirit and in truth

As all creation returns to You

Oh for all the sons and daughters

Who are walking in the darkness

You are calling us to lead them back to You

We will see your spirit rising

As the lost come out of hiding

Every heart will see this hope we have in You