Some things change...some don't

Seven years ago I had a haircut that I let my college roommate cut.

Seven years ago that college roommate's idea of decorating was writing the scientific method on our living room wall...so imagine the haircut :)

Seven years ago I still had my jeep cherokee i loved so much.

Seven years ago I was the shyest, most insecure girl you ever met.

And seven years ago was the last time I was in the town i love so very much.

Boulder, Colorado. The town of my youth :)

Some things in my life may have changed dramatically since then, but I dare say my love for this town never will.

And this weekend I get to return there after 7 years of pining. And with some of my favorite people.

I'm the luckiest. :)

..Land That I Love

This was my last weekend officially having a residence in Conway. From now until who knows when, I'll just be an über frequent visitor to this town i love so much. So, needless to say, lived it up Conway style this weekend. Pictures and stories to come on a different blog soon.

But there was a lot of being outside. And downtown. Maybe at the same time...

A Sick Beginning...But a Good Beginning Nonetheless

Somehow i made it through all of fall, winter and spring without so much as a sniffle.

Enter the very beginning of summer...and i'm laid up on the couch sick, watching reruns of Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Matlock.

Which, to be honest, i'm not entirely hating :)

Speaking of things that summer has brought in, there are some changes that are being made besides my level of sickness and television watching habits.  

Apparently my taste buds have taken a small vacation from their senses and foods that i have formerly hated my entire life are suddenly the things that i cannot get enough of.

Such as sweet tea.  And cheez-its.  

Sweet tea i completely blame on sylvia b....callie's mother.  I swear that woman could make snake eggs appetizing to me.  I was told her sweet tea was an experience that i couldn't refuse, so i drank up one sunday afternoon...and i've not been the same since.  Of course my recent trip to the even further south solidified my love of this delicious treat. (Dear Lord, please bring a Milo's to Arkansas)  And so yesterday i made two separate trips to Mcdonalds to indulge in the deliciousness that is their sweet tea.  I blame the need for that much sweet tea on my illness. 

As if my body wasn't in enough shock from my new obsession with sweet tea, Cecilia talked me into trying White Cheddar Cheez-it's on our trip to Alabama.  I LOVE cheese...especially processed cheese.  But cheez-it's and goldfish have always been where i draw the line.  Now, the line is blurred and i bet before long i'll be eating huge amounts of green beans as well (green beans are the end of the line for me as far as food is involved).

So if i gain ten pounds this summer, you'll know why.  And you'll know who to blame. 

(Sylvia and Cec.  Not my lack of self control involving delicious food)

The trip to Birmingham was refreshing...and United was of course, amazing.  Although i was disappointed because i grilled Lydia on who would be on tour hoping that i would finally get to see my good friend Brooke Fraser.  Lydia informed me that yes, she was on tour with them.  So i was completely giddy with excitement until we were sitting at CiCi's Pizza in Memphis on the way to AL and i received a twitter stating that Brooke had holed herself up in a cabin North Carolina.  Not that i blame her...but, WHAT?  Regardless, i still enjoyed United and the girl that led was nothing short of amazing.  Although i was the hottest i've ever been.  And that includes the trip to see Marc Broussard in an air conditioning free warehouse in Memphis in the middle of July three summers ago. Last Friday night has replaced that experience as the hottest i've ever been.

But the worship was A M A Z I N G

Here's a look...

After worship Friday night we crashed...H A R D.

But after sleeping ridiculously late on Saturday we got up and going, eager to take in everything Birmingham had to offer...or at least the ice cream and sweet tea :)

Also, apparantly Alabama is giving away free babies...

Other highlights of the trip...Cec and i made up new lyrics to "Come Together" that involve "snowball hiccups" and "rolo's up and down his legs".  Be sorry you missed that experience :)

And a LOT of time in the car...a L O T.  Good thing i like road trips.  And the people i was traveling with :)

Unfortunately, this is the only group picture i have of us...Just picture bama on the other side of me.  Or as his uncle made us call him, "Aubrey".  I had no idea of the rivalry between Auburn and Alabama (State? University? College? I'm so lacking of knowledge of football teams)

All in all, it was a good trip.  Even if i did catch the plague and have to spend the next two days on my couch wanting to die.

...A good beginning to a great summer...

Too Unorganized To Even Deserve A Title...

It's a lazy saturday...and these are my absolute favorite days.  Having no commitments for the day means that i can sleep in, drink coffee for an absurdly long time and slowly do things around my house that i've ignored all week, whilst intermittently reading or catching up on a show or just staring out the window.  I know...i lead a wild life.  And the even greater thing about having a lazy saturday is that on weekends that i'm off from the worship team, if i'm smart I go to church on saturday night, so i can relive my lazy saturday on sunday!  I'm too smart for my own good sometimes :)

So, it officially feels like summer in Arkansas now.  And i couldn't be more happy.  Although I've been dying to kick off the summer by watching Now and Then...you remember it, right?  The brilliant movie that came out years ago about 4 best friends living the best summer ever?  I used to absolutely love that movie, and have seen it countless times although it's probably been at least ten years since the last time i watched it.  But as luck would have it, not a single movie place in Conway carries this classic.  Which really is just a huge bummer.  So i guess i'll just have to buy it of Amazon (darn) and wait for it to get here to officially kick off the summer :)  

Sadly though, as summer kicks off that means some goodbyes are in order for some of the dear friends i've made this year through 24/7.  Luckily some will still be here for the summer, and others i'll just have to hope to see them come back next year!  So, if anybody from 24/7 ever reads this, just know that you guys are amazing and i have more respect for you than i've probably shown throughout the year.  I'm not sure if i've ever seen a more obvious group of world changers...you guys rule.

While this weekend will be defined as staring out a window, standing in line for an hour at old navy for some one dollar flip flops and then attending the wedding of an amazing friend, next weekend....I get to see Hillsong United!  Next Friday Cec, a few other amazing 24/7 friends of ours, and myself will set off to Birmingham to to worship with United and then spend the rest of the weekend taking in everything Birmingham has to offer.  I'm not completely sure what all Birmingham actually has to offer seeing as the longest amount of time i've spent there has been a half hour at Fazoli's on my way to Florida.  Which...man i miss that restaurant.  The closing of that might as well be called a closing on a chapter of Becca's life.  Because i am in fact a huge fan of unlimited breadsticks and cheap pasta.  

What was i talking about???  

Oh..Birmingham.  Like i said, i don't know what all it has to offer...but thanks to my dear friend CBJ i do know that it is the home of Southern Living...so it can't be that bad, right?

So there's a highly unorganized update on my life as of now.  Cec is making sure i take the video camera on our road trip to Alabama next week, so i'm sure at some point i'll have a highly entertaining video of us driving down the road to post.  I know...the anticipation is too much to handle, i'm sure.

Love.

Rainy Days and Cobwebs

Rainy Saturdays are my favorite.

I did have a wonderfully busy day planned of breakfast with my roomie, outreach with Elevation, shooting hoops with my girl Callie (by the way...it's a rare rare day that i play basketball. but lately i have had such a desire too for some reason), and then attending the wedding of an old friend of mine with a good friend of mine.

However, the rain struck.  Which definitely disrupted my plans. But the good thing about a rainy day is that it forces you to slow down.  Which i love to do :)

So...breakfast with my roomie stuck...and i'll still attend the wedding...but inbetween turned into a day spent at the brewery with some amazing people while the rain fell beautifully outside.

Lazy days with my friends are amazing.  We usually sit around doing our own thing and randomly discussing things we happen upon whether it be in books or online.  Today we've sat around with our feet propped up, each on our mac's taking personality tests and discussing our personality types and communication styles.   Callie's taken hers about fifteen times because she doesn't agree with the outcome and Katy researched every persons style and told them who they were.

It was beautiful.

I've needed this day of rejuvenation.  According to my personality type (ENFJ...or SIDC if you're going by the disc test) i am enlivened by interactions with others.  And while i've had plenty of interactions lately, what i've needed is today.  Slow conversation with some of my closest friends about important and not so important topics.  Today has slowly swept my mind of the cobwebs that embed themselves inbetween these reviving type of days.

So, thanks to my friends.

And God for the weather.

The Tale of the Slothful Blogger

I feel like such a blog underachiever.

However i have been to mentally exhausted to even think about posting a decent blog lately.

And just so you know...this is not going to be a decent blog. Hopefully that is coming tomorrow.

But i am so tired of my blog being evidence of my slothful blogging habits, so i feel i need to post something...anything...

Okay, who is officially tired of the word blog?

Moving on...

(I told you...mental exhaustion)

I've had a very fun packed, very full weekend. But instead of telling you about it, i'm just going to link you to a couple of people that will do it for me.

Friday night

Saturday night

Every other waking minute this weekend (and some unwakened minutes as well)

I know, you're so excited. Control your enthusiasm please.

Also on a completely random side note...the one thing i feel like i can pride myself on in life is my taste in music.  Aside from my proclivity towards some cheesy pop music at times,  i'm pretty good at finding new music that's pretty amazing.  And that almost never includes hip hop/r&b music.

Until this weekend.

And for some reason i have been obsessed with two songs the past couple of days.  T.I.'s "Dead and Gone".  And Neyo's "Mad".

CANNOT get enough of them.

I'm scared about what's happening to me...

Not Ready Yet

The other night we had anytime worship at abe's apartment.  Which, for those poor unfortunate souls (you have little mermaid songs in your head now, don't you?) who have never been to anytime worship, it is basically a spontaneous night of worship where we are able to go and worship, or read and journal, or pray, or just sit in the presence of God...it's completely laid back and i love it.  

Before we started with worship that night, several of us were sitting in the living room conversing and waiting to begin.  I don't remember what prompted him to say this but at one point before we began abe pointed to a door off to the side of the living room that i had not noticed before and said "don't go in there yet.  it's not ready".  

As  soon as he said this everything in me wanted to go into the forbidden room.  That's so stupid, i thought.  It's just messy because he hasn't gotten it completely put together yet.

I almost got my butt of the couch and marched right in there to show him that "who cares if its ready.  I know it doesn't matter...i'll just show him."

But i refrained.  A little while later as we were about to begin worship for the night abe told us that as we were worshipping throughout the night that he wanted us each to make our way into this previously forbidden room.  He told us a few details about what he wanted us to do once in there, but mainly said that we would understand when we got in there.

The night progressed with particularly great worship...you could sense the presence of God and there were several times that i just wanted to throw myself down on the ground before Him.  (i did restrain myself though:)  )

Finally i decided it was time to discover the secret of the room.  Once i entered i was blown away.  I saw this fantastic painting that a friend of abe's had painted on his wall that afternoon.  Unfortunately i don't have a picture, but painted on the wall were a giant pair of hands holding out a heart, with the words "we are love" painted around it.  The instructions we were given were to write something about love within the heart.  It ended up looking pretty amazing in the end.  My stellar visual imagery skills just don't do it justice i'm afraid.  But it definitely added to the worship experience for the night.

As i headed out of the room and back to my spot on the carpet alongside my trusty bible and favorite anthropologie journal (the only thing i can afford from the place that i love so much) i began thinking about my initial reaction to abe's request of the room.  I was SO glad that i had not marched in there thinking i knew best and ruined the way that it was supposed to happen.  Not only would i have most likely upset or disappointed abe who had prepared for it to happen a certain way, but by taking matters into my own hands i would not have been able to experience it the way i was made to experience it.  I would have ruined it.  

And that made me think about how often i try to do that with God.

So many times it seems like He says "not yet. you're not ready".  But i'm always so eager to prove Him wrong.  Always so eager to assure Him that i can handle it, no need to wait, and that he should just let me bust right on into that room to show Him.  

But who am i kidding? HE IS GOD.  And just to be real here friends, sometimes i forget that.  Call me a girl...heck, call me American if you like ( i mean, they are both true) but sometimes i really am prone to think that my way is probably better than the creator of the universe.

So often my faith wavers and i think that it's totally necessary to take things into my own hands.  But what happens when i think i know that i should do something that i KNOW God has said i'm not ready for yet?  Not only do i disappoint my Father by ruining the surprise of what He is creating for me, so often i'll miss out on the joy of it...the actual part of it that God has created specifically for me to enjoy.  

I pray that i wouldn't be the girl that is constantly trying to bust into the room that God has prepared for me.  I want to be the girl that has unwavering faith, that when he tells me "not yet. it's not ready." that i actually believe him and delight that he is preparing something for me.

I'm not there yet...but oh how i long to be.

Lucky Me

Well...i have some of the funniest friends in the world.  Trust me on this.

Jason blogged about how a physician in India started laughing clubs to help treat his patients symptoms.  The laughter reduces stress and boosts immunity.

Well, i should be the healthiest person in the world because, friends...i laugh A LOT.  

I'm linking you to a video of just a small sample of why there is so much laughter in my life.

It's just a little taste of what just pops up in convo from time to time. Nothing planned...

Do we know we're dorky?  Probably not as aware of it as we should be.

But, still....lots and lots of laughter.

Videolink

The Hopes and Fears of All the Years...

I've been in a bit of a blogging rut the past few days.  Christmas was great, as was being home with my family.  It just doesn't give me much time to be alone or digest my thoughts well enough to share them with others :)

However God has been speaking to me.  Loud, strong words.  Words i've needed to hear for a while now but have been pushing away from.  But everyday i feel it...He's giving me that courage i've been asking for...a more fearless attitude.  It's not perfect, but it's much stronger than it has been.  And praise God for that, eh?

I had the privilege of going to Trans Siberian Orchestra last night thanks to a loving friend who knows how much i adore them.  It was amazing.  I sat there and watched some of the most talented musicians in the world, most of the time with my jaw on the floor, and all i could think was "God made them to do this".  And i wonder how many of them even realize it.  But then i got really excited because if God has made man able to make music like that, how amazing is that worship going to be in heaven?  With songs and musical ability that we can't even ponder...and in the presence of our Lord no less!  It baffles me a little.

And as i sat there and took it all in, i recognized this little place in me start to come alive again.  A place i used to know so well, but i let fizzle out and die due to, you guessed it, fear.  That desire to be a part of something huge and grand...something that provokes people to want to know their Maker more...something that is bigger than i could ever dream up or do on my own.  Something that encompasses all the little and not so little desires and dreams and visions i've ever had for my life.  There it was.  

And i woke up this morning feeling A L I V E.  Really alive...more alive than i've felt in a while.  

It's about time i come back to life... Maybe next i'll even find a job :)

Snowbirds and Townies

There is something completely magical about snow days (or if you are in Arkansas, ice days).  I haven't been able to completely put my finger on it, but something about the world just gets quieter.  For me, snow brings out the longings in my heart.  It makes me feel adventurous.  It makes me dream.  It calms and exhilarates me at the same time.  

A good friend of mine works for a company that absolutely does not close for snow days.  And as someone that possibly enjoys a good snow even more than myself, it is hard for me to believe that she can handle that at all.  To me, snow = best day ever.  And i just don't see how you have the best day ever stuck behind a desk...maybe it's just me.

After a long day of being cooped up in the house yesterday watching movies, chatting with friends, listening to music and taking naps next to the fire, Callie and I finally went stir crazy.  After a monumentally fun time ice skating down my huge incline of a driveway with some other great friends, we finally took off on our own to make our own adventure.  We decided to take a walk and enjoy the beautiful snow/ice in the night...the time when winter wonderlands truly come alive :)

Well, 5 miles and 3 hours later we finally returned from our walk.  It was beautiful.  We ran into other lovely friends on the way, witnessed a particularly great ice belly flop, walked down  the most beautiful road AND the most beautiful walking trail...both decorated so differently by the fallen ice.  We slid down hills in boxes, ice skated across roads, fell down so hard we have bruises today, and generally had a breathtakingly great time.  I am truly going to miss my friend come January 13.  She is my "adventure to find beauty" friend, and i don't know what i'll do without her.

As we crawled in the door from our 5 mile hike across the frozen tundra of Conway and threw our boots in front of the fire to dry off i thought back over the past couple of days.  I have a truly great life here.  Sure, i need a job/direction...blah blah blah.  But outside of that, i have it made.  I have great friends, an incredible church, a beautiful house that i love... 

Lately i have been praying about moving.  I don't necessarily have a desire to leave Conway.  I absolutely love this place.  But it just feels like something inside of me is shifting...and that possibly God is calling me to leave this place i've learned to call home.  I don't know what will happen, but the past couple of days have really made me stop and take a look at what i would really be leaving.

We'll see, i guess :)

love.

A Winter's Tale

As part of my trying to not live out of fear quest, i've been trying to do something everyday that scares me or completely takes me out of my normal comfort level.  Today I did two!  The first was to check my bank account...that was definately scary. And also didn't turn out too well.  How do you forget about a $300 check???

The second...well i can honestly say i don't think i've EVER been so nervous about doing something in my life.  I'm still nervous about it, and it's already done!  I don't know how this thing i've done will turn out..the past couple of things i've done that have scared the crap out of me have been..well, lets just say "learning experiences".  I have more hope with this one.  Keep your fingers crossed and your prayers coming please :)

Inbetween my "life enhancing" experiences today i did in fact have a quite glorious day. It was a beautifully dreary "snow" day.  And i spent it with good people and good food...two of my favorite things!

AND i finally got caught up with putting my pictures on the computer.  So FINALLY, time for some GREAT pics including the cheesy sweater christmas party champion as well as callie's australian birthday party and my lovely day today.  

Enjoy :) 

LOVE

I have an absolutely wonderful group of friends. I've talked about them many times on here before, and will continue to as long as they are in my life.  These are friends that i am able to laugh with until we cry...and now that i think about it cry with until we laugh. And there is something beautiful about having people in your life that when you are at your worst and can't even form complete sentences, much less coherent prayers, will come behind you and hold you up and pray exactly what you haven't been able to get at amongst your wallowing and somehow show you hope when all you've been able to see is darkness.

These are the kinds of friends i've been blessed with.

The other night a few of my closest were at my house and we were sitting around talking about nothing in particular...it was pretty late and most of our other friends had already gone home.  There was one guy left there amidst about five of us girls, and out of nowhere he asked if he could talk to us about God.  He went on to talk about where he was at right now on his spiritual walk, and where he has been.  

He said this to us "I would give anything i could ever have to know God the way you guys know God and to love him the way you do.  I need to know WHY you love him the way you love him"

As we sat and conversed about this I was struck by his last question.  Why do i love God the way I love him?

Because he's worthy...because he's never failed me...because He loves me just as much when i'm being a complete jerk as he does when i'm living completely surrendered to him.

These answers were what came to my mind immediately.  And while they are completely true, and I love God desperately for all of those reasons, for some reason they didn't seem...enough?  They didn't even come close to touching the reason that I love Him so much. 

And i've been turning this question over and over in my mind since that night.  But i still haven't been able to really figure it out. Maybe because i know that my life would be a shadow of what it is now without him.  Maybe because I've seen the healing works that his love has done to me and those i love.  Maybe because I love that so much of him is such a mystery to me that i can trust that even when i can't comprehend his ways, i know that they are good.

I'm still not sure any of these come close to capturing my heart for him...and im definitely still processing this question.  But could it be that we will never be able to fully understand, much less explain, this love thing we have going on with our Maker?  I kind of hope that's it.

I've Got a Mug...Video Blog Insanity

I took a couple of days off from blogging. ( i had to take a break for the sabbath, people).  However..yesterdays blog was postponed until today due to...well...i guess just a videotaping frenzy.  So I will blog again later today to make up.  And therefore not really break my goal of blogging everyday.  (I think i may allot for the sabbath every week :) 

So...thanks to an inappropriate amount of time spent at the brewery...plus some good friends who share my addiction...here is my first video blog.  It's kind of...ridiculous. And i have no pride.  But nonetheless...here it is.

The Only Goal in My Life Right Now

So, my new goal is a post every day.  I figure what with my not having a job and spending an obscene amount of time at the Brewery that I should at least be able to churn out one of these puppies a day.  But I'm writing a little late today...so consider this my thursday post..not my friday post. unless of course i end up not posting tomorrow. then this is my friday post.

a.n.y.w.a.y.s.

This week has been such an emotional rollercoaster for me.  And today is the first day i really feel like i've been able to stop and breath and feel God near me.  It's been one of those days where i have revelation after revelation from Him and it's going to take me a little more time and energy to sort through them all.  so there will probably be more on that to come.

on ANOTHER note... can i just say that i have some of the coolest, most beautiful friends...and they happen to love God more than most people i know. I love them.  and NOW they have blogs!

sending out a holla to

katy

lydia

callie

emily

also...my friend carriebeth

who has started one already...trying to get her back on the bandwagon.

love.

Night Owl

A few years ago, while i was in college, i spent Christmas break in the most glorious sloth-worthy way.  There were four of us...my roomate and two new guy friends of ours that ended up being incredible long term friends of mine...that spent every night hanging out until the not so wee hours of the morning.  We played mario kart, made Shipleys runs for donuts at 3am,  played music, told funny stories and jokes, and basically laughed until we cried every night.  Then we would stumble home in a tired stupor and sleep most of the day away and then wake up and do the same thing over again.  It was wonderful and truly one of the funnest  seasons of my life.  

I am absolutely a night owl and since graduating from college and having a "grown up" job i haven't got to flex my night time stamina muscle in a while.  Until i quit my job.  And now i end up staying up until 3 am every night while my roomates crash by midnight.  So it seemed like a great opportunity when i got hired by a local mental health provider to work the overnight shift at a group home.  It's not my dream job, and by no means my dream pay, but i thought it might be a great temporary job to make a little money at until i could find a real job.  I've had a pretty good amount of experience with mentally ill people due to my previous job and thought that this would be no big deal.

Boy was I wrong.

To start off, this job is in the ghetto ya'll.  Which is okay, i'm used to the ghetto. worked there for the past two years.  But i was also working there during the day.  So to say that I hated the idea of walking from my car to the home at midnight is a bit of understatement.  I was terrified.  Luckily both times i had to go between car and work there was a police man patrolling the street.  Which i couldn't figure out whether to be comforted by that fact or downright scared.  Not to mention i was questioning whether or not my car would actually be there in the morning.  However, that was the least of my uncomfortableness during the night.  I don't want to go into to much detail as to what specifically happened to make me not feel safe there, it would be a little inappropriate to go into the story of what i was told.  But to make it short, these people are not the mentally ill i was used to working with.  Think of every television show and movie you've ever seen involving a mental institution.  And then remember how the people in these lock down facilities act.  Now picture them, but in a home setting where they are free to get up and walk around and do whatever they want in the darkness of night.  And then picture yourself, a 25 year old girl, having to go into their bedrooms every hour during the night to make sure they are still alive.  

Needless to say, i quit the next day.

And as i was telling my supervisor why i was not going to be coming back, she said "but we rarely even have an occurrence." 

Rarely? Is that supposed to change my mind???

So I'm looking for a job again.  And amidst some other dashed dreams of mine that happened yesterday i haven't had the best couple of days...but at the same time these events led to some much needed words of encouragement from my Dad.  And some great Godly advice, that i don't think I've ever heard anything of the like come from him, so a bad situation quickly turned into something i've been desperate to hear for a while now.  God is good like that to me a lot of times :)

love.

My God Day

Written on November 6, 2008

Is it a coincidence that today, the day I have set aside to seek after God, to demonstrate my dependence on his strength and sovereignty by abstaining from food,  to wait patiently to hear from Him, that He would send people one after another to speak into my heart and my life to remind me that he hears me, and loves me?

I need desperately to hear from God. To know that He is moving.  To know that this leap of faith I took towards unemployment wasn’t just a desperate attempt to get out of a job I hated but that it was something God was calling me to.  That it was the deeds to my faith.  That it wasn’t just words but action.  I’ve not had many job leads since I quit, and quite honestly I probably haven’t searched as hard as I could have.  Because the idea of going back into a job that I don’t really have passion or purpose in is completely unappealing to me.  Even the jobs that are actually made to help people less fortunate than me are not appealing to me…not because they lack purpose, but because they seem to lack the purpose that God is calling me to be purposeful to.  I don’t feel necessarily called to any jobs that I’ve seen…the only problem is that I’m not even sure what I’m looking for.  That is where my trust in God is being stretched and grown.  Where I’m having to rely on my faith that He has not forgotten me.  

Today as I was reading through my theophostic manual it was talking about the role sin plays in the theophostic ministry.  He basically was talking about the renewal of the mind and how vital that it is to really live in the freedom God longs for us to live in.  As I was reading and reflecting and praying over what was being said God really began to impress hard on me how absolutely necessary it is for me to get a couple of areas in my life really taken care of.  He began bringing these areas of sin to light in my mind and really showing me what this sin has been doing not only to me but to the plan He wants to place me into.  As I reflected on this, every part of my life seemed so orchestrated by Him that I wanted to laugh.  I quit my job with complete confidence that God was calling me to that so that I could go easily into wherever it was He was placing me.  And I still completely believe that.  However I didn’t see that all this free time…this time that I hadn’t had before, that God would use that to show me the places within me that aren’t completely surrendered to Him.  Some places where I am still believing lies…and some places  that I’ve even been in bondage to.   And I realized that apart from all this free time for Him to show me these dark places of my heart, I may never have really dealt with these areas. 

And if I’m begging to God to use me…really use me in big ways to bring the world to this loving relationship with our Father…of course He is going to want to make sure that the places in me that are still in darkness would have His light shone on them.  And I praise Him for that, because I would much rather have to deal with them now before I have a chance to ruin my testimony of God’s word by them.   So I’ll keep job looking, but more than anything I can’t wait to use this time to really get every area of my life under complete surrender to Him.  To face the hidden lies that I have been believing and to hear and feel God’s truth spoken into those places. 

A little later I left my house to go to Starbucks and get some much needed caffeine and endless pleasure of reading and people watching.  My friend Carrie Beth arrived shortly after me and we chatted for a while as we sipped our coffee.  She shared with me this book that she is currently reading that is about the seasons of life.  The part she had me read was about autumn and he described in almost perfect detail the very reason why I love this wonderful season so much.  But a couple of other things he said really stuck out to me as well.  He said “Quietly, without flare or fanfare, God graciously moves upon our lives, taking us from summer to autumn, a season when He mysteriously writes His agenda on the tablets of our hearts.  Patiently He waits for change to begin.  Without exception, it does.”  Wow.  That is exactly where I feel like I am!  He is patiently waiting for the change that He has started.  And there’s even a promise in the word that I can rely on if nothing else!  “God Who began the good work within you will keep right on helping you grow in His grace until His work within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns (Philippians 1:6)”  He has began the good work in me!  I will wait patiently!

And if that wasn’t enough of God using outside sources to speak into me, as soon as Carrie Beth left, my friend Tyler walked in.  He told me he was getting a quick cup of coffee before he had to be at work.  “Man…Becca, I so salute you in what you did with your job”  he told me.  I asked him what he meant and he went on to say how hard it is to be in a job that you have absolutely no passion or purpose for.  He told me that he has been wanting to move lately.  When I asked him why this was he said that there are some things he really wants God to do in his heart and that if he has to move for God to finish this work in him than he will.  We began talking about this, because it is a similar place to me.  I absolutely love Conway.  I want to always call it my home, and always return to it.  I think of it more as my home than I even do my real hometown that I spent the first eighteen years of my life.  It’s a place where I really began to learn who God was, and it’s a place where indescribable healing has taken place.  I told Tyler that I believe Conway is such a place of healing…that it’’s almost like a little bubble where people come in and find out who they are in God.  I absolutely believe that Conway has a certain spiritual covering over it…and I truly believe that hurting people that come into this town can get the healing and life changing works of God that they need.  However, as much as I love Conway and the people here, there is such a huge part of me that feels I may be being called to move.  I told Tyler that it seems to me that a place like Conway is a great place for people to come into and encounter a life changing God, and receive teaching that raises people up to move out and share that with the outside world.  And that’s why I believe so many people that I know are in the same stage of life as me…who love Conway with all of their heart…feel like they are being called to leave the bubble here and share this with people who haven’t had the privilege of living in such a Godly place.

We talked awhile about that and what it could mean, and then Tyler had to be off to work.  As he started to leave he looked at me and said “Becca, this was just such a great five minutes of conversation.”   I full agreed, and thought how is it that God has used three different back to back encounters to seemingly speak to me the same theme over and over again?  Healing…God’s plans…Healing…God’s promises.   I know that I do not comprehend his power or his plan…and that is something I love about Him!  I am so glad he is in control and has not left me to my pathetic little plans!

Friendships and Freedom

Sometimes I wonder if it's possible to get to the point where you have to many friends. Sometimes the number seems to lessen the quality.  I’ve always been very blessed in that I’m not usually lacking in good companionship and uplifting friends that encourage and challenge me.  I have however had times that though I’m surrounded by great people that love me, I still long for the friendships where you really feel like the other person knows you.  They know your past and your quirks. They know your dreams and what you love.  I had that in my friendship with Lucy.  She challenged me...Sometimes too much, but she did challenge me.  It’s hard when a person knows you so well, and then they disappear out of your life and seem to be fine with it.  It makes it seem like you didn’t matter to them.  And I know that it’s just a part of growing up. You grow apart, you won’t always have the same friends and the same dreams.  But it still doesn’t make it any easier. 

One of my favorite parts about my friendship with Lucy was that she forced me to dream. Lucy was such a dreamer, and she didn’t understand why anyone would not want to dream for bigger and better things than where already in their lives.  Lucy always seemed to be dreaming about freedom.  Freedom from the things that held her down.  Freedom from ever ending up like her parents.  Freedom from a past of legalism that she tried desperately to run away from.  Freedom from the judgments that she felt came from everyone she knew.  But the problem with Lucy's dreams where that they never let her live in and enjoy the here and now.  She could never see the blessings right in front of her because she was to worried about how she would be a year from now.  I never want to be the kind of person that is not able to enjoy those moments in the present.  Those times when things line up so perfectly, that you can’t help but smile to God because it’s only by him that it could have happened.  When the music is in tune with the atmosphere which compliments the people you are with who say the most perfect thing that lets you for a second have a clearer glimpse of the creator.  When you can barely move because you are so scared of destroying this perfect little moment. This reminder that there is someone bigger in control and that it’s not up to me to make everything alright.  That sometimes you can just...be.

I haven’t had a real conversation with Lucy in over a year.  I tried last fall to plan a weekend reunion with her and another one of our old friends, but it ended up just being full of awkward silences and attempts to re-create past memories.  You can’t live on memories for very long.  I heard recently that Lucy was moving in with her boyfriend.  It’s hard to imagine that a person that has stood so rigidly and strongly for her beliefs in the past, has rationalized herself away from these very beliefs.  It makes me think that Lucy is probably still dreaming of that freedom instead of taking hold of it.  When we search for freedom, but try to handle it ourselves, it always seems to get away from us.  It always changes us.  We were not created to build our own freedom, but to live in it daily.  Maybe it sounds easier than it is.  But maybe it’s so easy that we refuse to see it for what it really is.  The gift of God to the children he loves.  I think sometimes we try and complicate it.  Try and skew it into a gift with expectations and rules.  But all he ever wanted from us was to love him.  He gave us this gift because he loves us, not because he’s trying to win our love.  The enemy has tried so hard to pervert the pure love of God, that it is hard for us to see it for what it really is anymore.  But we must become broken daily before our Lord.