Fighting Fear

I am not somebody that is exceptionally good at displaying my life for all to see.  In fact I've come to realize lately that despite how far i've come the past few years in becoming more comfortable with who i really am, there is still a great deal of me that is scared to be vulnerable and put myself out there..i mean my actual thoughts, and the things that drive me and make me passionate, the reason WHY i actually believe a certain way and do the things i do and love the things i love.  

I used to be completely insecure.  I'm talking NOBODY knew the real me...i mean I didn't even know me...i let people walk all over me, i changed what i liked and disliked based on who i was around.  I let other people make most of the decisions in my life from how i should dress and the way that i talked to how i should think and act. It was ridiculous.  But eventually one day i wised up.  A good friend of mine was finally able to show me that i had value beyond what certain people thought of me.  She taught me how to set boundaries for myself and for others and most of all that if somebody disliked how i now stood up for myself, and did not appreciate who I really was, that perhaps it was not worth me wasting anymore of my time trying to please them.

If i had to go back and meet the becca of years past it pleases me to think I would not recognize her.  I've lost some good friends in the transitions that i've gone through, but at the same time I am so grateful that i do not live in the fear that used to consume me. The past four years have been spent in the kind of freedom that before i only dreamed would have existed.

But lately God has been revealing parts of me that are not as changed as i once thought them.  There are parts of me, not as large as before, but parts nonetheless, that are completely wrapped in fear.  Dreams of mine that I am to scared to even talk about.  Parts of me that it terrifies me to even tell others about.  

And this is not okay with me.  Being vulnerable, even when it terrified me, was something that was a huge part of the healing that occurred in me in years past.  I'm determined not to live a half life because i am too scared to speak or dream or take action.  So that begins here.  It will not end here...but it will begin here.  I've decided that I want to live in the uncomfortable if it's the uncomfortable that brings me more freedom...and more importantly if it is what will bring me closer to my God.  So...here goes.