People Watching

I am a people watcher. And a bit of a shameless one at that. Sometimes i lose myself within watching a couples interactions or studying a unique individual and trying to figure out their story. That's what draws me in more than anything...trying to figure out why a person is the way they are. Total strangers are even more fun for me to analyze because the only thing i know about them is that they are physically at the same place as me...usually Starbucks. Outside of that knowledge there is a huge, giant world of possibilities as to who they are. And that's what is the most fun for me to fill in in my head. Their story. It's during this time that i get to make my world a little more to my liking. Sometimes i get a little carried away and forget that i'm staring at somebody with a strange expression on my face and things can get a little awkward. This may also explain why i tend to be a bit of a weirdo magnet when i'm alone. I unintentionally draw them in with my love for their imaginary life i just created in my head :)

Regardless of the number of awkward interactions i may have because of this problem I wouldn't quit it for anything. Because through these strangers imaginary lives i come to know a little bit more about myself. What type of personalities i might be drawn to, certain qualities that automatically make me turn my nose up, and even certain threads of a persons story that i might actually wish were mine. It's an interesting way to get to know yourself. And for somebody that tends to not be the most eloquent speaker when it comes to meeting strangers, it''s proven to be a lot easier than throwing myself into a situation where i might say the wrong thing and then...that ridiculous fear of rejection that seems to follow me around taunting me might actually turn from a fear and into a reality.

But that's the problem i'm finding with fear. It can save you from some possibly very embarassing situations...but at what cost? At the cost that i may never get to know somebody that could turn out to be a valuable part of my life? That i might be holding back the words that could possibly be exactly what that person has been needing to hear?

Fear of rejection has always been a big one in my life, but it had not been something that i've spent a lot of time thinking about lately. Until the other day when a friend of mine talked to me about reaching out to some of the teenagers in one of the ministries in our church. As soon as he asked, my heart started beating faster and that old familiar friend of mine popped up...that fear of rejection.

Excuses flowed out of my mouth as i tried to avoid commiting to anything and i quickly tried to change the subject. But it brought it back to my attention that sometimes, i do still struggle with that fear. It seems ridiculous to me that i could be so easily intimidated by a few girls that are several years younger than me...that i don't even know...who attend the same church with me...worship the same Creator as me... Yet i might let the fear of their possible rejection of me keep me from reaching out into their lives to help them through some of the roughest years us girls go through.

I've told God over the past few months to kill off everything in me that has to do with...well, me. I want to be dead to my own idea of self reliance and be able to be used as much as possible for his glory. So with that in mind, I've decided this fear thing has just got to go. It's not bringing him any glory and it's only keeping me bound to my own fears...of which i've renounced any right.

So here's to a new way of thinking...a new way of acting and believing.

And who knows. Maybe in the meantime I'll start talking to some of those strangers whose stories i've collected in my head.