A couple of nights ago I went to see Hillsong United's "I heart" film. It was eye opening and life changing to say the least. I'm still processing a lot of what I saw and heard...but a couple of quotes/scripture jumped out to me that I have just not been able to stop thinking about.

This will have to do until i can form sentences about the ways my heart was broken for the broken in this world.

"When we're apathetic, it's not like we're sleeping through the fire. We're actually fanning the flame."

"If what we do inside the 4 walls of the church doesn't affect the streets we took to get there...maybe we're missing the point."

"I can't stand your religious meetings.

I'm fed up with your conferences and conventions.

I want nothing to do with your religion projects,

your pretentious slogans and goals.

I'm sick of your fund-raising schemes,

your public relations and image making.

I've had all I can of your noisy ego-music.

When was the last time you sang to me?

Do you know what i want?

I want justice-oceans of it.

I want fairness-rivers of it.

That's what I want.

That's all I want."

Amos 5:21-24

I'm not going to lie.

Coffee kicked my butt this week.

It started out so simple...very little sleep one night and the idea that i wasn't scheduled to sing anytime in the next week...led to my first sip. Which then led to my next one and next one...until before you know it, I'd had at least one cup of coffee a day for five days in a row. Saturday morning I literally said "not today...no coffee for me". And my cousin so temptingly replied "but it's Halloween."

And I caved.

And two hours later i got a text...and then spent the rest of the weekend singing. Like garbage mind you. Five days of coffee will do that to me.

So now, with what feels like bleeding vocal chords...I once again proclaim that I am through with you coffee.

In this love/hate relationship i have going with you, the hate is currently winning.

So again, I say farewell. You serve me well for a short time but it's not worth it in the long run.

Goodbye again sweet friend.

***I obviously started this post yesterday afternoon...i am not delusional about today's rain***

I am currently sitting in my favorite coffee shop, listening to my favorite "keep me from getting distracted" music...and i keep getting distracted by the beautiful sunlight outside. I've missed it the past few days. And i have a feeling that I will be missing it the next few days. So I'm trying to soak up as much of it into my retinas as i can before i get depressed by all of the beautiful gloomy weather and rain coming our way. Which to be honest, I will probably love just as much as the sunlight. But it's all about balance Mother Earth...so keep the sunshine and gloom evened out and i won't complain a bit :)

If it's not obvious, my mind is a bit muddled right now. I've been going non stop for so long that my mind hasn't really had time to catch up. In the rare moments that I have where i have time to just BE, it seems i've forgotten how. Like somehow amidst all of the clammer and hab-bub of doing...that part of me that gets refreshed by spending time by myself has gotten buried under piles of to-do lists. I'm not complaining....I love to-do lists. And i love staying busy. And i will basically do anything that my church asks me to do (and even some things they don't ask me to) because I love it so much. And while i don't love my job, i still want to be good at it while i'm there so i'll pretty much do whatever they need done. But i think i let myself get a bit out of control lately....and i've found that when i try to stop and catch my breath...i think i've forgotten how to breath.

So my goal for October is just that. Breathing. Which means i've got to simplify some things down. One of the things that means for me right now is simplifying my reading list. I'm a bit of a book whore. It used to be that i would read one book at a time...and it would change my life. I may read it again, or i may just let it sit for a while in my mind so i could ponder all it had to say before moving on to the next book. Eventually i started slowly adding books to the mix. "Oh this one is good. I'll have a fiction and non fiction book at the same time..you know, depending on my mood!" Then it was "I want to learn about the grace of God and spiritual warfare both at the same time." Until it reached the point that i was saying "That prayer and fasting book would be so well complemented with a book about the end times. Also i really need to master the Arabic language and plus I really just need to read Twilight again since it's fall. Oh, look at that cute outfit on the front of that magazine! I'll buy 3!"

And as it turned out, i wasn't getting too much out of my books anymore.

So I've simplified it down some. Because in addition to not getting too much out of reading anymore, i've found that just in life in general i've got a ton of stuff..thoughts and opinions and facts and ideas...coming into my brain...but not nearly enough of the word of God. Not even close to enough. So I'm taking a bit of a "book fast" if you will...It's basically an effort to mute down some of the voices so that I can better hear God. Because to be honest...sometimes i tend to become more committed to my commitments than I am to loving and pursuing God. And honestly, what is the point of all of that other stuff if that one aspect isn't properly in place?

Anyways, all of that to say...there are some basic, fundamental things i have to get back to before i lose myself. And when i slow down enough to start processing and thinking and hearing God speak over all of the chaos, then i start to write more. I have to or i just lose it all. And i won't digest my thoughts and my life properly. And things can become dark pretty quickly if that happens :)

So chances are, these thoughts are going to meander their way onto this corner of my life. Because if there's anything i need to learn to be...it's transparent. I am far too opaque most of the time. So i'm unofficially sweeping the cobwebs off of this little blog and am going to try to put it to good use.

Wish me luck :)

I am a people watcher. And a bit of a shameless one at that. Sometimes i lose myself within watching a couples interactions or studying a unique individual and trying to figure out their story. That's what draws me in more than anything...trying to figure out why a person is the way they are. Total strangers are even more fun for me to analyze because the only thing i know about them is that they are physically at the same place as me...usually Starbucks. Outside of that knowledge there is a huge, giant world of possibilities as to who they are. And that's what is the most fun for me to fill in in my head. Their story. It's during this time that i get to make my world a little more to my liking. Sometimes i get a little carried away and forget that i'm staring at somebody with a strange expression on my face and things can get a little awkward. This may also explain why i tend to be a bit of a weirdo magnet when i'm alone. I unintentionally draw them in with my love for their imaginary life i just created in my head :)

Regardless of the number of awkward interactions i may have because of this problem I wouldn't quit it for anything. Because through these strangers imaginary lives i come to know a little bit more about myself. What type of personalities i might be drawn to, certain qualities that automatically make me turn my nose up, and even certain threads of a persons story that i might actually wish were mine. It's an interesting way to get to know yourself. And for somebody that tends to not be the most eloquent speaker when it comes to meeting strangers, it''s proven to be a lot easier than throwing myself into a situation where i might say the wrong thing and then...that ridiculous fear of rejection that seems to follow me around taunting me might actually turn from a fear and into a reality.

But that's the problem i'm finding with fear. It can save you from some possibly very embarassing situations...but at what cost? At the cost that i may never get to know somebody that could turn out to be a valuable part of my life? That i might be holding back the words that could possibly be exactly what that person has been needing to hear?

Fear of rejection has always been a big one in my life, but it had not been something that i've spent a lot of time thinking about lately. Until the other day when a friend of mine talked to me about reaching out to some of the teenagers in one of the ministries in our church. As soon as he asked, my heart started beating faster and that old familiar friend of mine popped up...that fear of rejection.

Excuses flowed out of my mouth as i tried to avoid commiting to anything and i quickly tried to change the subject. But it brought it back to my attention that sometimes, i do still struggle with that fear. It seems ridiculous to me that i could be so easily intimidated by a few girls that are several years younger than me...that i don't even know...who attend the same church with me...worship the same Creator as me... Yet i might let the fear of their possible rejection of me keep me from reaching out into their lives to help them through some of the roughest years us girls go through.

I've told God over the past few months to kill off everything in me that has to do with...well, me. I want to be dead to my own idea of self reliance and be able to be used as much as possible for his glory. So with that in mind, I've decided this fear thing has just got to go. It's not bringing him any glory and it's only keeping me bound to my own fears...of which i've renounced any right.

So here's to a new way of thinking...a new way of acting and believing.

And who knows. Maybe in the meantime I'll start talking to some of those strangers whose stories i've collected in my head.

I'm totally kidding. I just figured that after that after the way I ended my last post that I was totally asking for God to strip me of my love for reality television.

So far so good :)

However, due to my crazy schedule and the fact that tivo can't happen out in the country where i live (have i mentioned there's only dial up? only six thousand times? ok, good) i have a feeling that the fall lineup i've been eying with longing will have to stand by the wayside this fall. Something that i would never willingly give up on my own...so maybe this will be good for me :)

Speaking of good for me, I can't tell you how good this weekend will be for me...It's just been one of those weeks where i go go go...which honestly that has been my entire life since i moved to the country. But this week was that plus a lot of added stress. No need to go into the details, but i've never felt like i've earned a good weekend so much before. And that's what this weekend will be. Let me show you :)

If it doesn't rain, then i'll be out on this a lot this weekend:

And of course I'll be doing a lot of reading, relaxing, game playing, family chatting and drinking coffee on this :

That's right. I said drinking coffee. I'm not back to drinking it daily. But this is the one weekend a year that i can't imagine not drinking it. I'm allowing myself these three days.

Well, four. Because today I caved under the stress of the week and have already had a red bull and a coffee. But i'm just starting the weekend out early...that's all. I promise. No more coffee after labor day.

I sound like a true addict.

I have officially given up coffee.

It almost brings me to tears to even write that sentence, but that just reminds me that it was definitely time to let it go.

I'm not saying I'll never enjoy the occasional Pumpkin Spice Latte (Dear God, why did I quit coffee just in time for the return of Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte?)... Just that I'm determined for the quality of my day to no longer be determined by the amount of caffeine i have or have not ingested.

This decision came about during my recent trip to Memphis to see Journey. Did I mention that I got a free ticket to see Journey? Well, I did. And it was amazing. And although the brilliant vocals of Steve Perry were not able to be there, I did get to hear some pretty amazing pipes via the small Philipino man doing herkies and leaps and jumping jacks all over the stage for two hours. It was a great night :)

It was on that drive to Memphis that I started quizzing a friend of mine that is in school for speech therapy about the vocal chords. My voice has been sore for several months and I had gotten myself all worked up with worry the night before and had convinced myself that I had developed vocal nodules. I know that i do not sing correctly and i thought possibly my voice was finally fighting back. As i quizzed Cecilia she made it clear that I did not in fact have to have vocal chord surgery...but "you may want to give up drinking coffee".

That did not go over well with me.

She explained that if I came into her clinic with the same problems that they would put me on a strict no caffeine diet to cure the problem. I basically told her that there was not a chance in the world that I was going to give up coffee so my voice was just going to have to go on hurting.

The next morning we left Memphis early to get me back to church in time to do worship. After I demanded that we stop at a Starbucks on the way out of town we hit the road and nobody said much as we listened to worship music and tried to wake up. As I sat in the back seat, hands folded around my beloved drink I thought back over our conversation the day before. As i thought back through every thing that Cecilia had said I felt God ask me "If you HAD to choose between doing worship for the rest of your life or drinking coffee for the rest of your life, which would you choose?"

And I hesitated.

I knew what the obvious answer was, but the idea of giving up coffee...my comfort...every morning... made me want to die.

And it was in that moment that I knew that my love for coffee had gotten a tad out of control.

Let me make it clear that I do not believe God was asking for me to choose one over the other. But his question got me thinking as to what other comforts I may be making a priority over serving Him. It's something that I've decided to continually ask myself...to make sure there is no more of me getting in the way of more of Him.

Let's just hope that He doesn't ask me to give up reality television.

I remember the feeling I had when I first decided to start blogging. The desire to have a place where I publicly displayed my thoughts and words but the fear that was there of having people i know actually reading those thoughts and words. I kept it private for a while...Put a few posts out there and was somewhat satisfied with the idea that I was completely honest in what i was trying to say AND not having to be afraid of how it made people think of me.

But if you know me then you know that when i love something or get excited about something it's not even remotely possible for me to keep it to myself. I have to drag everybody i know and even people i don't know into loving this new thing that i love so much. Combine that with my love for community and before long many of the people i knew now knew of my blog and had created one of their own.

Which i love.

But somewhere in there i forgot the initial reason i started blogging. And that's because i love to write. I have way to many thoughts and freak occurrences and strange quirks to want to keep them all to myself. When i do, i feel like i'm going to self combust and really, who likes that feeling?

But with more people who actually know me possibly reading my words came the fear of not being able to write like i really want. With each post came the.."okay, do people really care?" "are they going to think that i'm blogging too much." "can i really be that transparent. WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK???"

And friends, i don't like living that way.

I toyed around with the idea of starting a new blog and not telling ANYONE. But lets be real here. That's not even a possibility for me. Before long i would tell someone. And then I would tell someone else. And before long I'd be right back to where I am now. Besides, I would rather deal with whatever fear I have of being transparent and doing things the way I WANT TO DO THEM instead of avoiding and running and giving up. In other words, i'm trying not to be a quitter here.

So, with all of that said...I'm trying to get back to actually being me on here. I want to get back to feeling like i can be brutally honest about things that happen to me or the way i feel or my thoughts on the stock market. (Ok, i can almost completely assure you that my thoughts on the stock market won't actually come up much here. Because that would mean that I actually UNDERSTOOD the stock market. And honestly...i just don't.)

The girls on our worship team started a new small group this semester and we met for the first time this past Tuesday night. It was AMAZING. We were completely honest with each other and sweetly lifted each other up in prayer and not so sweetly did some major warfare on behalf of our sisters...it was beautiful and empowering. Something that one of them spoke over me was the verse of new beginnings. She said that she believed that was what God was doing in me right now. And that's my prayer. That the old would die and the new would spring forth. That it would mean a death to the old fear and sin and relying on my own strength...and that the new would rise up. A new purpose a new confidence and a new reliance completely on my Father.

So in honor of my new beginning i present...well, myself...back into the blogging arena...the way i actually care about doing it.