New Beginning

I remember the feeling I had when I first decided to start blogging. The desire to have a place where I publicly displayed my thoughts and words but the fear that was there of having people i know actually reading those thoughts and words. I kept it private for a while...Put a few posts out there and was somewhat satisfied with the idea that I was completely honest in what i was trying to say AND not having to be afraid of how it made people think of me.

But if you know me then you know that when i love something or get excited about something it's not even remotely possible for me to keep it to myself. I have to drag everybody i know and even people i don't know into loving this new thing that i love so much. Combine that with my love for community and before long many of the people i knew now knew of my blog and had created one of their own.

Which i love.

But somewhere in there i forgot the initial reason i started blogging. And that's because i love to write. I have way to many thoughts and freak occurrences and strange quirks to want to keep them all to myself. When i do, i feel like i'm going to self combust and really, who likes that feeling?

But with more people who actually know me possibly reading my words came the fear of not being able to write like i really want. With each post came the.."okay, do people really care?" "are they going to think that i'm blogging too much." "can i really be that transparent. WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK???"

And friends, i don't like living that way.

I toyed around with the idea of starting a new blog and not telling ANYONE. But lets be real here. That's not even a possibility for me. Before long i would tell someone. And then I would tell someone else. And before long I'd be right back to where I am now. Besides, I would rather deal with whatever fear I have of being transparent and doing things the way I WANT TO DO THEM instead of avoiding and running and giving up. In other words, i'm trying not to be a quitter here.

So, with all of that said...I'm trying to get back to actually being me on here. I want to get back to feeling like i can be brutally honest about things that happen to me or the way i feel or my thoughts on the stock market. (Ok, i can almost completely assure you that my thoughts on the stock market won't actually come up much here. Because that would mean that I actually UNDERSTOOD the stock market. And honestly...i just don't.)

The girls on our worship team started a new small group this semester and we met for the first time this past Tuesday night. It was AMAZING. We were completely honest with each other and sweetly lifted each other up in prayer and not so sweetly did some major warfare on behalf of our sisters...it was beautiful and empowering. Something that one of them spoke over me was the verse of new beginnings. She said that she believed that was what God was doing in me right now. And that's my prayer. That the old would die and the new would spring forth. That it would mean a death to the old fear and sin and relying on my own strength...and that the new would rise up. A new purpose a new confidence and a new reliance completely on my Father.

So in honor of my new beginning i present...well, myself...back into the blogging arena...the way i actually care about doing it.