Closing The Store Is the Brave Thing To Do

I've had yesterday and today off of work which is exactly what i needed to get everything packed and ready to be moved. My mom came back into town today to help me finish packing everything and then went with me on the endless list of errands i needed to run so that my life could be stored properly in Conway until...well...that's the part i keep freaking out about.

You see, I'm moving out of the house that i love so very much...a house that has brought laughter and tears and revelation and healing...a house that has been a gathering place and a shelter. I don't want to leave this house. I don't want to move away from the convenience of having a fire at the flip of a switch (or more importantly, the smores that said fire implies). I don't want to leave my cozy little room or the ability to park my car in a garage. I love this place and i'm so sad to be leaving it.

The part that scares me the most though is the fact that i don't have a clue what's next. Today i started moving my stuff into a storage building. By friday almost everything i own will be in one 10x10 space protected only by a sliding door and a padlock.

Luckily my aunt and uncle have a beautiful house and are more than willing for me to stay there during this "transition period". I'm so thankful for that and in some ways really looking forward to spending some time there. My aunt is an amazing woman and i am excited to get to spend some more time with her. And in a way this will be like a little sabbatical for me because they only have dial up internet. And i am WAY to impatient to even give that a try. Which is good because they have a back porch that i would kill for and if i spent any time away from rocking slowly on that porch swing with a good book in hand because of the internet, then more than likely i would end up resenting something...and i just don't want to go there :)

The thing that scares me though is that for the first time in my life, i don't have a clue what to expect next. Usually i at least have an inkling of what is next that i can prepare for or look forward to. Like when i quit my job. I didn't know exactly what was next, but i had a small idea of what it could look like.

Yeah, i don't have that here.

I have absolutely no clue.

Right now i'm reading a book about worship that is challenging me in so many areas. I love that. And therefore i love this book. One of the many quotes that i have underlined (and written in my journal. And displayed in my car) says this:

Simply rehearsing our problems is not worshiping God.

Recalling his character in the midst of them is.

And that's something that God keeps bringing back to mind for me. To remember all that He's done for me. To remember the times that He's pulled through for me in major ways.

This time is completely scary for me, yes. But at the same time...It's exhilarating.

I've been asking God for so long to take away anything in me that does not line up for His will in my life. I've asked for him to take me off any track that I've put myself on that will not lead to what He has for me. Basically, for him to take everything i might do completely out of the picture and lead me, even if i don't know where i'm being led to.

Just three weeks ago I told him i was releasing any claim that i've made on my life for myself that i think i deserve so that He can use me, not for what i deserve, but what He's called me to.

Three weeks ago i did not imagine that this is what that would look like.

But isn't that the beauty of who He is? For me, He never does what i imagine He will do. He always does something incomparably better.

So when i think about how long I've been begging God to do huge things in my life...and now i look at my life and i have a job that though i love, is the kind of job that i know will not be a long term thing for me...and i have a home that is only transitory...which both of those together makes my life completely transitory. And honestly, i don't know if i've ever been in a more vulnerable place before God. Which is exciting because if i have no control over my life then that means that only He does.

That's good news.

Today as i was discussing all of this with my mom, she turned and looked at me and ever so wisely stated:

CLOSING THE STORE IS THE BRAVE THING TO DO!

Sure mom. I know exactly what that means.

After a moment of looking at her like she was crazy, what else was there for her to do but to say it again?

CLOSING THE STORE IS THE BRAVE THING TO DO!

I finally had the sense to ask her what in the world she meant and she went on to describe this scene from You've Got Mail.

Meg Ryan's character has a charming little book store that has been run out of business by Tom Hanks character's mega store. There is a scene where she is discussing this with her surrogate mother figure in the movie, Birdie. Meg Ryan tells her with a sad, resigned sigh that she's decided to close the store. And Birdie replies ever so confidently:

CLOSING THE STORE IS THE BRAVE THING TO DO.

Meg Ryan tells her that she is lying and Birdie responds with this profound statement.

You are daring to imagine that you could have a different life.

My mother finished describing this scene and said to me "Becca. That is you. What you are doing is the brave thing to do. You are putting all of your hope and trust in God. You are daring to imagine that you could have a different life."

And suddenly i knew. I may have fear. I may feel completely exposed and vulnerable. But I am exactly where i need to be. I don't know where in the world i'll be in two months. Or one month for that matter. But i do know that i have a God that is bigger than all of my hopes and dreams and fears and failures put together.

And that's not a bad place to rest.