Not Ready Yet

The other night we had anytime worship at abe's apartment.  Which, for those poor unfortunate souls (you have little mermaid songs in your head now, don't you?) who have never been to anytime worship, it is basically a spontaneous night of worship where we are able to go and worship, or read and journal, or pray, or just sit in the presence of God...it's completely laid back and i love it.  

Before we started with worship that night, several of us were sitting in the living room conversing and waiting to begin.  I don't remember what prompted him to say this but at one point before we began abe pointed to a door off to the side of the living room that i had not noticed before and said "don't go in there yet.  it's not ready".  

As  soon as he said this everything in me wanted to go into the forbidden room.  That's so stupid, i thought.  It's just messy because he hasn't gotten it completely put together yet.

I almost got my butt of the couch and marched right in there to show him that "who cares if its ready.  I know it doesn't matter...i'll just show him."

But i refrained.  A little while later as we were about to begin worship for the night abe told us that as we were worshipping throughout the night that he wanted us each to make our way into this previously forbidden room.  He told us a few details about what he wanted us to do once in there, but mainly said that we would understand when we got in there.

The night progressed with particularly great worship...you could sense the presence of God and there were several times that i just wanted to throw myself down on the ground before Him.  (i did restrain myself though:)  )

Finally i decided it was time to discover the secret of the room.  Once i entered i was blown away.  I saw this fantastic painting that a friend of abe's had painted on his wall that afternoon.  Unfortunately i don't have a picture, but painted on the wall were a giant pair of hands holding out a heart, with the words "we are love" painted around it.  The instructions we were given were to write something about love within the heart.  It ended up looking pretty amazing in the end.  My stellar visual imagery skills just don't do it justice i'm afraid.  But it definitely added to the worship experience for the night.

As i headed out of the room and back to my spot on the carpet alongside my trusty bible and favorite anthropologie journal (the only thing i can afford from the place that i love so much) i began thinking about my initial reaction to abe's request of the room.  I was SO glad that i had not marched in there thinking i knew best and ruined the way that it was supposed to happen.  Not only would i have most likely upset or disappointed abe who had prepared for it to happen a certain way, but by taking matters into my own hands i would not have been able to experience it the way i was made to experience it.  I would have ruined it.  

And that made me think about how often i try to do that with God.

So many times it seems like He says "not yet. you're not ready".  But i'm always so eager to prove Him wrong.  Always so eager to assure Him that i can handle it, no need to wait, and that he should just let me bust right on into that room to show Him.  

But who am i kidding? HE IS GOD.  And just to be real here friends, sometimes i forget that.  Call me a girl...heck, call me American if you like ( i mean, they are both true) but sometimes i really am prone to think that my way is probably better than the creator of the universe.

So often my faith wavers and i think that it's totally necessary to take things into my own hands.  But what happens when i think i know that i should do something that i KNOW God has said i'm not ready for yet?  Not only do i disappoint my Father by ruining the surprise of what He is creating for me, so often i'll miss out on the joy of it...the actual part of it that God has created specifically for me to enjoy.  

I pray that i wouldn't be the girl that is constantly trying to bust into the room that God has prepared for me.  I want to be the girl that has unwavering faith, that when he tells me "not yet. it's not ready." that i actually believe him and delight that he is preparing something for me.

I'm not there yet...but oh how i long to be.