Hope is the thing with feathers...

Reminder

2011-09-19T21:37:00.000-05:00

Every once in a while there is a moment in life. Where you take a deep breath, look around and realize that even though you really have no idea what you're doing with your life, it's still a great life. And that God may be moving in ways you don't even know yet. In fact, He almost certainly is. And today i take great hope in that.
And later, i can guarantee that i will need a reminder of that. So post it publicly i will :)

Learning...

2011-07-07T20:23:00.000-05:00

"The counterfeit of obedience is a state of mind in which you create your own opportunities to sacrifice yourself, and your zeal and enthusiasm are mistaken for discernment. It is easier to sacrifice yourself than to fulfill your spiritual destiny. It is much better to fullfil the purpose of God in your life by discerning His will than it is to perform great acts of self sacrifice. Beware of paying attention or going back to what you once were, when God wants you to be something that you have never been."
-Oswald Chambers

If I Were Ever To Make A Music Video

2011-05-28T22:28:00.002-05:00

You better believe it'd be just like this:

If I Was a Bumper Sticker Type of Girl...

2011-02-01T00:57:00.000-06:00

All The Cool People Are Doing It...

2010-11-30T18:24:00.006-06:00

brooke

jennifer

rebecca

I Would Give Anything For...

2010-10-06T23:42:00.003-05:00

This necklace.

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul"

Thank you Emily Dickinson.

And thank you Lisa Leonard for making me so greedy for a necklace.

The only thing that could make it more desirable is if it was gold. And then i would forego paying my utilities next month just to have it.

Greed. It's a nasty nasty thing.

My Current Obsessions

2010-10-02T17:01:00.003-05:00

The weather. Oh my goodness the weather. This October, though only two days in, is already a good October.

Gemma Hayes. I have so much amazing new music to listen to, but I cannot make myself stop listening to her. She's the perfect compliment to fall.

Dunkin' Donuts Coffee. Freshly ground in the morning. I'm so sorry Starbucks, I feel like I'm cheating on you. But it's just so good.

My life group girls. They make a Monday feel like a Friday.

The Saturday morning bible study I go to. I have no picture for this one because I'm too busy having my mind blown to even think of going to the bathroom when my bladder is about to burst much less snap a photo.

Structure Now Defines Me

2010-09-09T23:57:00.004-05:00

Earlier this week I grudgingly made the decision that maybe it's time to start acting like a grown up.

That very night I made a special trip to the book store. I picked out a journal that's the most perfect journal size i've come across. With a cute little floral design that i love very much. A book mark.

And lines.

Now that I journal with lines I feel as if my metamorphosis to adulthood is complete.

The scary thing is...I wrote in it tonight for the first time. And possibly enjoyed the lines.

I guess i should go find some bills to pay or something.

Clive Staples

2010-08-30T23:46:00.002-05:00

"Indeed if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased!"

-C.S. Lewis

Wishing I Could Time Travel...

2010-08-22T19:03:00.005-05:00

Of all the places in the world...even in America...that I would love to travel to, New York has never been one of these places. That is, until I saw this.

The Great Gatsby is one of my favorite books ever.

And now my heart is swimming.

"Under a shady grove of centuries-old trees, caressed by fresh sea air, a sprawling green surrounded by historic officers’ quarters and 18th century naval ramparts becomes the setting for a true Gatsby affair."

(photos by martin lenclos, words by michael arenella)

Some things change...some don't

2010-07-07T19:38:00.007-05:00

Seven years ago I had a haircut that I let my college roommate cut.

Seven years ago that college roommate's idea of decorating was writing the scientific method on our living room wall...so imagine the haircut :)

Seven years ago I still had my jeep cherokee i loved so much.

Seven years ago I was the shyest, most insecure girl you ever met.

And seven years ago was the last time I was in the town i love so very much.

Boulder, Colorado. The town of my youth :)

Some things in my life may have changed dramatically since then, but I dare say my love for this town never will.

And this weekend I get to return there after 7 years of pining. And with some of my favorite people.

I'm the luckiest. :)

Tone

2010-06-21T23:39:00.005-05:00

This is what happens when you are around musicians too much and don't really understand a word they say.

*I do now realize that 1965 is exactly the time the Beach Boys were around. Forgive me.

Maladies

2010-05-31T18:49:00.005-05:00

For the past 4 weeks I've had health insurance...for the first time in a year and a half.

Since then i've had what could have been a deadly spider bite, a pulled hamstring, and viral pink eye.

None of which actually required me to go to the doctor.

But i take comfort in the security of things that I might not actually need. So I appreciate the fact that I could have gone to the doctor if that spider bite had in fact turned out to be the deadly sort.

But all that time at the doctor would have been wasted whilst i live this incredible life:

the most amazing group of high school girls you could ever hope to know

little rock dream center has my heart

no need to say anything more. picture = a thousand words

Four Years Ago...

2010-05-16T10:36:00.006-05:00

Last week the topic of xanga came up in conversation, and i was reminded of how much I used to love that little site...And upon reviewing my old page which, embarrassingly enough is still very much out there for all to see, I was reminded of this little gem. And thought I should share it. This is my mind from 2006. Enjoy :)

Monday, 06 February 2006

I can't wait for the Olympics! Speed skating is my life because Apolo Anton Ohno is my boyfriend.

Our love is beautiful.

Molly Rose-wald

2010-03-20T16:31:00.005-05:00

Today I found my dream dress on www.modcloth.com

However it's sold out :(

But, just reading the description of this darlin' dress has made my day. I hope it makes yours :)

"Wish it was Sunday - that's my fun day," you sing into the back of your hairbrush as you dance around your room, in PJs that match the pastel colors of your sponge painted walls. Time to get ready for another week of school. You want to wear something that will impress your secret love interest. He's just so dreamy, from the way he styles his hair, puffed up in front, to the choice white pants he wears, to his absolutely flash patterned sweater vests! Sigh. You need something to help you stand out from all those richies, something like this dress from Moon Collection. Sweet! The rosette bouquets, feminine ruffle, and black, cloth-covered buttons adorning the bust make you smile at yourself in the mirror, while the satiny, fully lined, coral pink skirt looks ace! You tease your hair out a little more, put a round-brimmed hat on top, snap on a slap bracelet, and smear on some red lipstick. Perfect!

Things I Learned Today At Work

2010-03-08T19:25:00.003-06:00

- Dogs can take Prozac just like humans...As well as an array of other psychotropic drugs. Obviously doggy depression is a more rampant problem than i originally thought.

-Apparently it's totally normal to start dating somebody, move in two days later and within a month be engaged. TOTALLY normal. And not at all an absurd idea.

-Old people are not at all ashamed to pull down their pants and show me their butt. Sadly, this is true of almost every single one I met today.

I hope you learned something new :)

Everything Is Better In The Sunshine

2010-03-07T16:20:00.004-06:00

It's amazing to me that there is a single place in the world that can give you all the coffee in the world you want, plus lunch (or dinner) if you're there long enough to need it, plus access to the rest of the world through the internet plus a place to be alone in your thoughts and studies and at the same time be a place of gathering with friends whilst you do all of the above.

Starbucks, sometimes you blow my mind.

Which is why I don't mind spending approximately half of my very feeble pay check at your great domain.

Thank you for housing me for more hours than probably my own place of residence.

All I Am

2010-01-19T14:17:00.007-06:00

It's fasting week(s) at New Life...and it's one of my favorite times of the year. A time when anything can happen. And of course, in only the way God can do...it was timely in every area...both worldly (prayer + fasting... admist a horrible natural disaster...God timing if you ask me) and personally.

God amazes me every year in the things he does and the revelation he gives when his children seek his face earnestly.

And personal revelation...it's been much needed in my neck of the woods. (that's how we say it in the country)

Recently I haven't felt like me. It's been scary and weird...and honestly has had me down quite a bit over the past month. The new year is usually a time of joy for me...where i reflect on how i've progressed over the year, the ways I've seen God move...and it's a time for me to dream, which i love to do. This year, the changing of the year left me feeling detached and distant from my life. And scared to dream. And i've never before been scared to dream.

Most of this came when I really began looking back over the past year...expecting to see a lot of progress. What i found was digression in almost every area of my life. Mostly physical things...loss of my own place and a roomate i loved dearly...not living in the town where i spend most of my time...loss of most of the income i was accustomed to the previous year... But some was spiritual, which was even harder for me to come to terms with. Sometimes I get so busy trying to live my life and ignoring things i may see as problematic, that when i take the time to look up i often find that i've been believing something completely wrong about God. Or worse...I've lost some of my faith and trust in Him.

Which was the case here.

Last spring I began praying some things...some bold things. I asked Him to take everything out of me that was holding me back from more of Him. I asked Him to strip me completely bare of myself and anything that i believed i was "owed" in life and only give me things of Him. I meant every word of those prayers...and I still wouldn't take them back. But I believe that's what God has been doing. 2009 was a year that took away almost everything comfortable to me...a lot of the things that in my head "defined" me. And lately I've been struggling to reclaim a lot of that. Basically to no avail.

But what if that was his plan all along? That's it's not just the tangible, physical, comfortable things that define me. That what defines me...the only thing that defines me...is Him?

A couple of weeks ago I went away on a small retreat with several amazing people. During worship the first morning we sang a familiar worship song that at the end repeated "all i am is yours" several times. I've sung along to that song a thousand times it seems. Always earnestly meaning every word when i sang "all i am is yours"...meaning to me that everything I have...it's God's. But as I quietly sang along that morning a new meaning to it washed over me. Yes, definitely, everything i have is yours God...but what if that's all I am...Yours? All that I am, no more and no less...is only God's. Is that enough for me?

Not status or money or comforts or quirks.

Not "All i am = Yours+my dreams+my church activities+how people see me."

No...all i am...is Yours.

When I prayed the way I did last spring, there were several factors that led me to do so...but a large part of it had to with the fact that I had begun to sense a lot of pride in my life. I'd never before really considered myself a prideful person, and while i would pray for God to keep me from it, i never really understood how it operated in my life. But i began to sense that it was there...but couldn't really define what the source was. As the year progressed this pride made itself more and more apparent in my life...and as unchecked sin tends to do...the ways it was operating in my life began to fill my mind constantly. Mean thoughts i'd never thought before would pop into my head without a second thought. Jealousy became a regular occurrence. And slowly my joy dwindled down, lower and lower.

What I realized after singing that line at the retreat...all I am is yours...is that there exactly was the source of that pride i've been trying to track the past several months. I've always told God that I surrender everything to Him...that everything I have is all His...but somewhere along the way I fell under the belief that I actually need to make a major contribution to what God wants to in me and through me. Somehow I believed that simply being His was not enough.

And understanding that was a turning point for me. That I honestly and truly do not have to worry and stress and manipulate my way through life trying to get the things that I believe God has for me. If my dreams and desires in life happen, great. But what I'm finally beginning to see is that there is nothing outside of God that can satisfy me anywhere near as much as Him. And if God had to fully strip me of everything comfortable in my life this past year...of things that defined any identity outside of being only His...than I say it's all for the better if that's what it took to finally get me to realize how utterly small i really am when compared to his astonishing glory.

When I began to fully grasp that it's not about me at all...like, not even a little bit at all...you wouldn't believe the weight that was lifted.

And I came to realize...that there is nothing I could add to being "only" His...Because only being His? It's the entire world to me.

Happy Christmas

2009-12-24T22:48:00.003-06:00

to you and yours :)

I hope it's filled with love, laughter and merriment.

If Anything's Going To Seal the Christmas Spirit in Me...

2009-12-11T10:42:00.002-06:00

It's this.

And is it just me, or does he not sound exactly like Cale Mills when he speaks normally?

(maybe it's just me...)

What Is Wrong With Me???

2009-12-08T14:38:00.003-06:00

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday there is...for two reasons.

1. A holiday all about eating? I'll take it.

2. It kicks off the Christmas season. My favorite time of the year :)

But for some reason, I've had a really hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. It just doesn't feel like Christmas to me yet. I went with my family to the Christmas tree farm this weekend to pick out a tree. We listened to the same Christmas album that we do every year when we decorate and ate the same amazing cheesedip my dad makes just for the occasion every year. Directly after that I went to church where it was the first weekend for us to use any Christmas songs. And directly after that I went to Callie's and decorated her tree, made (well, tried to make...) a ginger bread house and watched Home Alone.

You'd think that after all that day had to offer that I would be brimming with Christmas spirit. But still...nothing.

Until yesterday. When one of my patients brought in a tray of cheese and crackers. With a bow on it.

And that seemed to do the trick. Because i am now officially filled with holiday cheer.

And a little concerned that it wasn't family or friends or atmosphere that moved me to be happy about Christmas...but it was cheese.

I've got to check my priorities.

And i promise that my next post will not be about cheese. I promise to get a life from here on out :)

Cow Pals Are Your Friend

2009-12-01T21:10:00.006-06:00

Tonight I went to Walmart with Greta...to make a most adorable birthday cake.

It was all fun and games and funfetti cake mix....until we walked past a certain section. And then all of a sudden I missed having my own place more than I have in a while.

The reason for this overwhelming desire to live out on my own again?

The dairy section.

Because if there's anything i miss....it's going grocery shopping. And having at least five types of cheese in my refrigerator at any given moment.

That's when you know you're living the good life :)

Some day soon......

I Heart

2009-11-06T13:59:00.003-06:00

A couple of nights ago I went to see Hillsong United's "I heart" film. It was eye opening and life changing to say the least. I'm still processing a lot of what I saw and heard...but a couple of quotes/scripture jumped out to me that I have just not been able to stop thinking about.

This will have to do until i can form sentences about the ways my heart was broken for the broken in this world.

"When we're apathetic, it's not like we're sleeping through the fire. We're actually fanning the flame."

"If what we do inside the 4 walls of the church doesn't affect the streets we took to get there...maybe we're missing the point."

"I can't stand your religious meetings.

I'm fed up with your conferences and conventions.

I want nothing to do with your religion projects,

your pretentious slogans and goals.

I'm sick of your fund-raising schemes,

your public relations and image making.

I've had all I can of your noisy ego-music.

When was the last time you sang to me?

Do you know what i want?

I want justice-oceans of it.

I want fairness-rivers of it.

That's what I want.

That's all I want."

Amos 5:21-24

Relapse and A Bitter Goodbye

2009-11-01T22:39:00.003-06:00

I'm not going to lie.

Coffee kicked my butt this week.

It started out so simple...very little sleep one night and the idea that i wasn't scheduled to sing anytime in the next week...led to my first sip. Which then led to my next one and next one...until before you know it, I'd had at least one cup of coffee a day for five days in a row. Saturday morning I literally said "not today...no coffee for me". And my cousin so temptingly replied "but it's Halloween."

And I caved.

And two hours later i got a text...and then spent the rest of the weekend singing. Like garbage mind you. Five days of coffee will do that to me.

So now, with what feels like bleeding vocal chords...I once again proclaim that I am through with you coffee.

In this love/hate relationship i have going with you, the hate is currently winning.

So again, I say farewell. You serve me well for a short time but it's not worth it in the long run.

Goodbye again sweet friend.

Cobwebs

2009-10-09T11:00:00.000-05:00

***I obviously started this post yesterday afternoon...i am not delusional about today's rain***

I am currently sitting in my favorite coffee shop, listening to my favorite "keep me from getting distracted" music...and i keep getting distracted by the beautiful sunlight outside. I've missed it the past few days. And i have a feeling that I will be missing it the next few days. So I'm trying to soak up as much of it into my retinas as i can before i get depressed by all of the beautiful gloomy weather and rain coming our way. Which to be honest, I will probably love just as much as the sunlight. But it's all about balance Mother Earth...so keep the sunshine and gloom evened out and i won't complain a bit :)

If it's not obvious, my mind is a bit muddled right now. I've been going non stop for so long that my mind hasn't really had time to catch up. In the rare moments that I have where i have time to just BE, it seems i've forgotten how. Like somehow amidst all of the clammer and hab-bub of doing...that part of me that gets refreshed by spending time by myself has gotten buried under piles of to-do lists. I'm not complaining....I love to-do lists. And i love staying busy. And i will basically do anything that my church asks me to do (and even some things they don't ask me to) because I love it so much. And while i don't love my job, i still want to be good at it while i'm there so i'll pretty much do whatever they need done. But i think i let myself get a bit out of control lately....and i've found that when i try to stop and catch my breath...i think i've forgotten how to breath.

So my goal for October is just that. Breathing. Which means i've got to simplify some things down. One of the things that means for me right now is simplifying my reading list. I'm a bit of a book whore. It used to be that i would read one book at a time...and it would change my life. I may read it again, or i may just let it sit for a while in my mind so i could ponder all it had to say before moving on to the next book. Eventually i started slowly adding books to the mix. "Oh this one is good. I'll have a fiction and non fiction book at the same time..you know, depending on my mood!" Then it was "I want to learn about the grace of God and spiritual warfare both at the same time." Until it reached the point that i was saying "That prayer and fasting book would be so well complemented with a book about the end times. Also i really need to master the Arabic language and plus I really just need to read Twilight again since it's fall. Oh, look at that cute outfit on the front of that magazine! I'll buy 3!"

And as it turned out, i wasn't getting too much out of my books anymore.

So I've simplified it down some. Because in addition to not getting too much out of reading anymore, i've found that just in life in general i've got a ton of stuff..thoughts and opinions and facts and ideas...coming into my brain...but not nearly enough of the word of God. Not even close to enough. So I'm taking a bit of a "book fast" if you will...It's basically an effort to mute down some of the voices so that I can better hear God. Because to be honest...sometimes i tend to become more committed to my commitments than I am to loving and pursuing God. And honestly, what is the point of all of that other stuff if that one aspect isn't properly in place?

Anyways, all of that to say...there are some basic, fundamental things i have to get back to before i lose myself. And when i slow down enough to start processing and thinking and hearing God speak over all of the chaos, then i start to write more. I have to or i just lose it all. And i won't digest my thoughts and my life properly. And things can become dark pretty quickly if that happens :)

So chances are, these thoughts are going to meander their way onto this corner of my life. Because if there's anything i need to learn to be...it's transparent. I am far too opaque most of the time. So i'm unofficially sweeping the cobwebs off of this little blog and am going to try to put it to good use.

Wish me luck :)

People Watching

2009-09-17T18:34:00.004-05:00

I am a people watcher. And a bit of a shameless one at that. Sometimes i lose myself within watching a couples interactions or studying a unique individual and trying to figure out their story. That's what draws me in more than anything...trying to figure out why a person is the way they are. Total strangers are even more fun for me to analyze because the only thing i know about them is that they are physically at the same place as me...usually Starbucks. Outside of that knowledge there is a huge, giant world of possibilities as to who they are. And that's what is the most fun for me to fill in in my head. Their story. It's during this time that i get to make my world a little more to my liking. Sometimes i get a little carried away and forget that i'm staring at somebody with a strange expression on my face and things can get a little awkward. This may also explain why i tend to be a bit of a weirdo magnet when i'm alone. I unintentionally draw them in with my love for their imaginary life i just created in my head :)

Regardless of the number of awkward interactions i may have because of this problem I wouldn't quit it for anything. Because through these strangers imaginary lives i come to know a little bit more about myself. What type of personalities i might be drawn to, certain qualities that automatically make me turn my nose up, and even certain threads of a persons story that i might actually wish were mine. It's an interesting way to get to know yourself. And for somebody that tends to not be the most eloquent speaker when it comes to meeting strangers, it''s proven to be a lot easier than throwing myself into a situation where i might say the wrong thing and then...that ridiculous fear of rejection that seems to follow me around taunting me might actually turn from a fear and into a reality.

But that's the problem i'm finding with fear. It can save you from some possibly very embarassing situations...but at what cost? At the cost that i may never get to know somebody that could turn out to be a valuable part of my life? That i might be holding back the words that could possibly be exactly what that person has been needing to hear?

Fear of rejection has always been a big one in my life, but it had not been something that i've spent a lot of time thinking about lately. Until the other day when a friend of mine talked to me about reaching out to some of the teenagers in one of the ministries in our church. As soon as he asked, my heart started beating faster and that old familiar friend of mine popped up...that fear of rejection.

Excuses flowed out of my mouth as i tried to avoid commiting to anything and i quickly tried to change the subject. But it brought it back to my attention that sometimes, i do still struggle with that fear. It seems ridiculous to me that i could be so easily intimidated by a few girls that are several years younger than me...that i don't even know...who attend the same church with me...worship the same Creator as me... Yet i might let the fear of their possible rejection of me keep me from reaching out into their lives to help them through some of the roughest years us girls go through.

I've told God over the past few months to kill off everything in me that has to do with...well, me. I want to be dead to my own idea of self reliance and be able to be used as much as possible for his glory. So with that in mind, I've decided this fear thing has just got to go. It's not bringing him any glory and it's only keeping me bound to my own fears...of which i've renounced any right.

So here's to a new way of thinking...a new way of acting and believing.

And who knows. Maybe in the meantime I'll start talking to some of those strangers whose stories i've collected in my head.

God Asked Me To Give Up Reality Television

2009-09-04T09:45:00.001-05:00

I'm totally kidding. I just figured that after that after the way I ended my last post that I was totally asking for God to strip me of my love for reality television.

So far so good :)

However, due to my crazy schedule and the fact that tivo can't happen out in the country where i live (have i mentioned there's only dial up? only six thousand times? ok, good) i have a feeling that the fall lineup i've been eying with longing will have to stand by the wayside this fall. Something that i would never willingly give up on my own...so maybe this will be good for me :)

Speaking of good for me, I can't tell you how good this weekend will be for me...It's just been one of those weeks where i go go go...which honestly that has been my entire life since i moved to the country. But this week was that plus a lot of added stress. No need to go into the details, but i've never felt like i've earned a good weekend so much before. And that's what this weekend will be. Let me show you :)

If it doesn't rain, then i'll be out on this a lot this weekend:

And of course I'll be doing a lot of reading, relaxing, game playing, family chatting and drinking coffee on this :

That's right. I said drinking coffee. I'm not back to drinking it daily. But this is the one weekend a year that i can't imagine not drinking it. I'm allowing myself these three days.

Well, four. Because today I caved under the stress of the week and have already had a red bull and a coffee. But i'm just starting the weekend out early...that's all. I promise. No more coffee after labor day.

I sound like a true addict.

Why I Can't Seem To Wake Up

2009-08-28T09:00:00.001-05:00

I have officially given up coffee.

It almost brings me to tears to even write that sentence, but that just reminds me that it was definitely time to let it go.

I'm not saying I'll never enjoy the occasional Pumpkin Spice Latte (Dear God, why did I quit coffee just in time for the return of Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte?)... Just that I'm determined for the quality of my day to no longer be determined by the amount of caffeine i have or have not ingested.

This decision came about during my recent trip to Memphis to see Journey. Did I mention that I got a free ticket to see Journey? Well, I did. And it was amazing. And although the brilliant vocals of Steve Perry were not able to be there, I did get to hear some pretty amazing pipes via the small Philipino man doing herkies and leaps and jumping jacks all over the stage for two hours. It was a great night :)

It was on that drive to Memphis that I started quizzing a friend of mine that is in school for speech therapy about the vocal chords. My voice has been sore for several months and I had gotten myself all worked up with worry the night before and had convinced myself that I had developed vocal nodules. I know that i do not sing correctly and i thought possibly my voice was finally fighting back. As i quizzed Cecilia she made it clear that I did not in fact have to have vocal chord surgery...but "you may want to give up drinking coffee".

That did not go over well with me.

She explained that if I came into her clinic with the same problems that they would put me on a strict no caffeine diet to cure the problem. I basically told her that there was not a chance in the world that I was going to give up coffee so my voice was just going to have to go on hurting.

The next morning we left Memphis early to get me back to church in time to do worship. After I demanded that we stop at a Starbucks on the way out of town we hit the road and nobody said much as we listened to worship music and tried to wake up. As I sat in the back seat, hands folded around my beloved drink I thought back over our conversation the day before. As i thought back through every thing that Cecilia had said I felt God ask me "If you HAD to choose between doing worship for the rest of your life or drinking coffee for the rest of your life, which would you choose?"

And I hesitated.

I knew what the obvious answer was, but the idea of giving up coffee...my comfort...every morning... made me want to die.

And it was in that moment that I knew that my love for coffee had gotten a tad out of control.

Let me make it clear that I do not believe God was asking for me to choose one over the other. But his question got me thinking as to what other comforts I may be making a priority over serving Him. It's something that I've decided to continually ask myself...to make sure there is no more of me getting in the way of more of Him.

Let's just hope that He doesn't ask me to give up reality television.

New Beginning

2009-08-27T14:01:00.006-05:00

I remember the feeling I had when I first decided to start blogging. The desire to have a place where I publicly displayed my thoughts and words but the fear that was there of having people i know actually reading those thoughts and words. I kept it private for a while...Put a few posts out there and was somewhat satisfied with the idea that I was completely honest in what i was trying to say AND not having to be afraid of how it made people think of me.

But if you know me then you know that when i love something or get excited about something it's not even remotely possible for me to keep it to myself. I have to drag everybody i know and even people i don't know into loving this new thing that i love so much. Combine that with my love for community and before long many of the people i knew now knew of my blog and had created one of their own.

Which i love.

But somewhere in there i forgot the initial reason i started blogging. And that's because i love to write. I have way to many thoughts and freak occurrences and strange quirks to want to keep them all to myself. When i do, i feel like i'm going to self combust and really, who likes that feeling?

But with more people who actually know me possibly reading my words came the fear of not being able to write like i really want. With each post came the.."okay, do people really care?" "are they going to think that i'm blogging too much." "can i really be that transparent. WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK???"

And friends, i don't like living that way.

I toyed around with the idea of starting a new blog and not telling ANYONE. But lets be real here. That's not even a possibility for me. Before long i would tell someone. And then I would tell someone else. And before long I'd be right back to where I am now. Besides, I would rather deal with whatever fear I have of being transparent and doing things the way I WANT TO DO THEM instead of avoiding and running and giving up. In other words, i'm trying not to be a quitter here.

So, with all of that said...I'm trying to get back to actually being me on here. I want to get back to feeling like i can be brutally honest about things that happen to me or the way i feel or my thoughts on the stock market. (Ok, i can almost completely assure you that my thoughts on the stock market won't actually come up much here. Because that would mean that I actually UNDERSTOOD the stock market. And honestly...i just don't.)

The girls on our worship team started a new small group this semester and we met for the first time this past Tuesday night. It was AMAZING. We were completely honest with each other and sweetly lifted each other up in prayer and not so sweetly did some major warfare on behalf of our sisters...it was beautiful and empowering. Something that one of them spoke over me was the verse of new beginnings. She said that she believed that was what God was doing in me right now. And that's my prayer. That the old would die and the new would spring forth. That it would mean a death to the old fear and sin and relying on my own strength...and that the new would rise up. A new purpose a new confidence and a new reliance completely on my Father.

So in honor of my new beginning i present...well, myself...back into the blogging arena...the way i actually care about doing it.

Just In Time To Be My Ruin

2009-08-14T08:00:00.004-05:00

After a long summer sabbatical my favorite little place in Conway is resuming "Becca-friendly" hours. That's right people. As of this coming Monday, August 17, 2009 The Brewery will once again be open until 9 instead of closing their doors on my desolate working till 5 self at..well, 5.

Just in time for my decision to wean myself off of coffee. So...this should be interesting.

If nothing else I can always practice my high jumps in the parking lot.

Never Say I Never

2009-08-12T18:56:00.007-05:00

When I was in Florida a couple of weeks ago, Carrie Beth and I stumbled across the cutest little bookstore ever. As we meandered around, soaking in all of the books and the cuteness something caught my eye and I immediately fetched CB to my side. As we gazed up at what was in front of us the area seemed to be surrounded in a holy glow of light and I'm pretty sure Carrie Beth stopped breathing for about 30 seconds because we were standing in front of her idea of holy ground.

I had no idea that so many books could be categorized as "southern fiction" but we had a blast searching through all of the titles and trying to reign in Carrie Beth as she wanted to buy every book she set eyes on :) I bought one book and then we moved on to a day that will forever be known as the day that I spent more money shopping than i ever have before.

As soon as we got back to the house we were staying in I cracked open the book and eagerly began devouring it. Carrie Beth warned me what the main story line might not be something that i would enjoy a great deal, but I waved her away like it didn't matter because hello, i read her last book and it was fabulous and surely it can't be that bad.

It was that bad.

The thing is, if it weren't for what the story was actually about I would be singing this books praises from the heavens. The author is a phenomenal writer and I am completely obsessed with her words, and there is one side plot that has held my thoughts for several days now.

The book is The Mermaid Chair (Sue Monk Kidd's last book was The Secret Life of Bees. Sooo good), and it's about a woman who has an affair with a monk. I know, I know, how in the world did I not notice that I probably would have a problem with that? I don't know...my love for good literature must have blinded me.

The one side plot that I am obsessed with is about the main character's mother who is suffering through some kind of emotional/psychotic breakdown throughout the book. The main character spends a lot of time remembering her mother's relationship with her best friends throughout the years. I've always loved movies and books about women who have been friends forever. Who have known each other through life's ups and downs and hold tight to each other's secrets because of the loyalty of their bond to each other. It's because of this reason that I must admit that I absolutely loved the Ya Ya Sisterhood movie and why I must admit again that I have been pestering Callie since i've read this book to have a movie night where we watch it at her perfect house :)

There is one chapter of this book that I have read and re-read. In this chapter the main character is recounting a moment of her childhood that describes in perfect detail an outsiders view of the bond held between her mother and her closest friends. She remembers a friendship ritual that the women concocted on the spot that irrevocably tied their lives to one another. As she is remembering how deep these friendships go, here is something that she states: "Something struck me then: I'd never done any of those things my mother had done. Never danced on a beach. Never made a bonfire. Never waded into the ocean at night with laughing women and tied my life to theirs."

As i read that i sat back on my porch swing and digested the idea of what I'd just read. As I rocked slowly, I thought back on my life and how blessed I've been to always have a bounty of close friends, and even more blessed to have a handful that I would say I've metaphorically waded into the ocean with and tied my life to theirs. It is my desperate prayer that those friendships will hold through marriages and babies and distance and tragedy and disagreements. But most of all, through time. I don't want to be a person that looks back on my life to think "I never lived enough. I never loved enough."

It is my prayer that God would continually remind to really live fully in the places and relationships and circumstances that He has placed me in. That I won't wake up one day with regret saying "I never".

God has been showing me the importance of "embracing the moment" for a while now. I've been so focused on the future for so long that sometimes it's been hard for me to fully appreciate what God is doing in the now. And even harder for me to appreciate where I am at in the now. This has been a summer of ups and downs. A season of neck breaking speed and slow crawling time. It has been a time of growth and renewal. And a time of bitter honesty about who I am and who He is. I guess what I'm trying to get at in this long rambling post is this: Wherever I'm at. Whatever I'm doing. However I feel. I want to do, feel and be to the absolute fullest. I want to see God in everything that happens. I want to love and i want to live.

End of story.

New Levels of Love I'd Never Imagined Possible

2009-08-04T18:17:00.011-05:00

Over the past few years i've slowly assembled a list of characteristics that my future dream house will have. The few constants on my list are: front and back porches with ceiling fans that make hot arkansas summer nights possible to enjoy, the type of ice machine you can find in condos and hotels and a room exclusively for all of my books (also known as a library...but to call what i have in mind a "library" really doesn't do my book room justice :)

After this past week in the most adorable town ever created, i've added something else to my list.

A built in coffee maker/cappuccino machine.

This baby was built straight into the wall and all i had to do was place my coffee cup under a nozzle, hit a button and the coffee ground itself and then brewed straight into my eager cup.

It was beautiful.

An Apology

2009-07-27T22:35:00.002-05:00

to the person that googled "so amazing rap song" and stumbled upon my last blog post. I have a feeling that my lame haiku was not exactly what you were looking for.

I am 100% fed up with the way my blog looks right now and thus have not traversed to this address much the past couple of weeks. That may also have something to do with the fact that there's only dial up internet in the country paired with the fact that this has officially been the busiest month of my ever lovin' life. Good...but so busy that it literally made me sick.

No worries though. I'm now officially re-cooperating in sunny Florida. And although i'm keeping busy chasing around some of the funniest kids i've ever met, hopefully i'll be able to do something about the whole not being able to look at my blog without wanting to throw up everywhere thing.

And also i have some major decisions that i've decided to have made by the end of the week...so cross your fingers, spin in a circle and say a prayer that i hear from God about a couple of things this week.

I have a feeling the waves here will amplify the voice of God though.

But that's just a theory.

A Rap Song Haiku For You On Your Monday

2009-07-06T15:16:00.003-05:00

I've got my rims on

My chain is hanging low low

Dirty skanky ho

Country Livin'

2009-07-05T15:06:00.007-05:00

Wow. This is my first time in two days to even so much as touch my computer. That is some kind of record for me, friends. Having to "come to town" to connect with the internet definitely has both it's ups and downs.

But let me back up....Thursday the Honea men came into town to help me move. I definitely have an amazing family. The brother even pushed back his trip out of town by several hours to come to the aid of his needy sister.

That's love.

Here they are, loading my washer(s) and dryer into my dad's truck:

This time last year as we moved into our new home we had zero washers or dryers. There was discussion about somebody "growing up" and buying them. But seeing as i have been in an anti-growing up phase for the past couple of years added to the fact that i would much rather spend my money on something less boring than a washer and dryer i decided to ask God if there was a way for Him to provide us one of each for free.

"If there was a way" pssshhhh.

One year later and two washers and a dryer are making it hard for me to ever doubt God for the things i need.

Anyways, by Friday evening almost everything was stored into a 10x10 space. I was doubtful as to whether all of my things would fit into such a small space but Mark at Mark's Mini Storage assured me everything would. Well, there is a reason that Mark runs such a successful mini storage business because not only was there enough room for everything i own but there is even enough space for me to sleep in there if worse comes to worse.

Woah....let me pause this post to reassure you that mullets are alive and well at the Starbucks in Conway. I wish it wasn't completely wrong of me to snap a shot of the woman standing 8 feet from me so that all could see the fanciness of this mullet.

Wow.

Anyways, now i am completely moved in at the aunt and uncle's. I have a beautiful room with the kind of window seat that i have dreamed of having since i was a little girl and one of the characters in the Babysitter's Little Sister series had one. When i wake up in the morning coffee is already made and i get to drink it on the best back porch ever. Oh wait, let me just show you.

If you can make out between the trees and past the creek is a pasture. Where yesterday morning as i sipped my coffee, deer were feeding.

That's right people. Country livin' definitely has it's perks.

All in all, i don't have a half bad set up going for me right now.

I guess i just have to wait and see what's next for me. Because i still have no clue. But at least i'll be extremely comfortable while i wait to find out :)

Closing The Store Is the Brave Thing To Do

2009-06-30T22:28:00.007-05:00

I've had yesterday and today off of work which is exactly what i needed to get everything packed and ready to be moved. My mom came back into town today to help me finish packing everything and then went with me on the endless list of errands i needed to run so that my life could be stored properly in Conway until...well...that's the part i keep freaking out about.

You see, I'm moving out of the house that i love so very much...a house that has brought laughter and tears and revelation and healing...a house that has been a gathering place and a shelter. I don't want to leave this house. I don't want to move away from the convenience of having a fire at the flip of a switch (or more importantly, the smores that said fire implies). I don't want to leave my cozy little room or the ability to park my car in a garage. I love this place and i'm so sad to be leaving it.

The part that scares me the most though is the fact that i don't have a clue what's next. Today i started moving my stuff into a storage building. By friday almost everything i own will be in one 10x10 space protected only by a sliding door and a padlock.

Luckily my aunt and uncle have a beautiful house and are more than willing for me to stay there during this "transition period". I'm so thankful for that and in some ways really looking forward to spending some time there. My aunt is an amazing woman and i am excited to get to spend some more time with her. And in a way this will be like a little sabbatical for me because they only have dial up internet. And i am WAY to impatient to even give that a try. Which is good because they have a back porch that i would kill for and if i spent any time away from rocking slowly on that porch swing with a good book in hand because of the internet, then more than likely i would end up resenting something...and i just don't want to go there :)

The thing that scares me though is that for the first time in my life, i don't have a clue what to expect next. Usually i at least have an inkling of what is next that i can prepare for or look forward to. Like when i quit my job. I didn't know exactly what was next, but i had a small idea of what it could look like.

Yeah, i don't have that here.

I have absolutely no clue.

Right now i'm reading a book about worship that is challenging me in so many areas. I love that. And therefore i love this book. One of the many quotes that i have underlined (and written in my journal. And displayed in my car) says this:

Simply rehearsing our problems is not worshiping God.

Recalling his character in the midst of them is.

And that's something that God keeps bringing back to mind for me. To remember all that He's done for me. To remember the times that He's pulled through for me in major ways.

This time is completely scary for me, yes. But at the same time...It's exhilarating.

I've been asking God for so long to take away anything in me that does not line up for His will in my life. I've asked for him to take me off any track that I've put myself on that will not lead to what He has for me. Basically, for him to take everything i might do completely out of the picture and lead me, even if i don't know where i'm being led to.

Just three weeks ago I told him i was releasing any claim that i've made on my life for myself that i think i deserve so that He can use me, not for what i deserve, but what He's called me to.

Three weeks ago i did not imagine that this is what that would look like.

But isn't that the beauty of who He is? For me, He never does what i imagine He will do. He always does something incomparably better.

So when i think about how long I've been begging God to do huge things in my life...and now i look at my life and i have a job that though i love, is the kind of job that i know will not be a long term thing for me...and i have a home that is only transitory...which both of those together makes my life completely transitory. And honestly, i don't know if i've ever been in a more vulnerable place before God. Which is exciting because if i have no control over my life then that means that only He does.

That's good news.

Today as i was discussing all of this with my mom, she turned and looked at me and ever so wisely stated:

CLOSING THE STORE IS THE BRAVE THING TO DO!

Sure mom. I know exactly what that means.

After a moment of looking at her like she was crazy, what else was there for her to do but to say it again?

CLOSING THE STORE IS THE BRAVE THING TO DO!

I finally had the sense to ask her what in the world she meant and she went on to describe this scene from You've Got Mail.

Meg Ryan's character has a charming little book store that has been run out of business by Tom Hanks character's mega store. There is a scene where she is discussing this with her surrogate mother figure in the movie, Birdie. Meg Ryan tells her with a sad, resigned sigh that she's decided to close the store. And Birdie replies ever so confidently:

CLOSING THE STORE IS THE BRAVE THING TO DO.

Meg Ryan tells her that she is lying and Birdie responds with this profound statement.

You are daring to imagine that you could have a different life.

My mother finished describing this scene and said to me "Becca. That is you. What you are doing is the brave thing to do. You are putting all of your hope and trust in God. You are daring to imagine that you could have a different life."

And suddenly i knew. I may have fear. I may feel completely exposed and vulnerable. But I am exactly where i need to be. I don't know where in the world i'll be in two months. Or one month for that matter. But i do know that i have a God that is bigger than all of my hopes and dreams and fears and failures put together.

And that's not a bad place to rest.

..Land That I Love

2009-06-29T11:22:00.006-05:00

This was my last weekend officially having a residence in Conway. From now until who knows when, I'll just be an über frequent visitor to this town i love so much. So, needless to say, lived it up Conway style this weekend. Pictures and stories to come on a different blog soon.

But there was a lot of being outside. And downtown. Maybe at the same time...

This Is The Post Where I Talk About Hell A Lot

2009-06-27T00:49:00.010-05:00

I am currently residing in the third level of hell reserved for moving. This hell metaphor will be multi-layered and deep. Much like my lovely self :)

This will be my 7th move...in just the past 8 years. SEVEN. That's hell, people. In fact, that's hell x 7. Hot hot hell.

Also moving when there is a heat index of 175 degrees quite literally is like you stepped into the inner most suite of hell. Or like you're standing on the sun doing jumping jacks. Take your pick.

The last and most important level of my metaphorical hell is the fact that i don't technically have anywhere to move into. Except for a storage building. And that type of uncertainty and no permanent residence makes me panicky and insecure and is my own private hell ravaging the parts of me that NEED to have my own space.

My mom and sister showed up today to help me start packing all of my belongings into boxes, and they didn't even balk at how OCD i was being about labeling and organizing. In fact they acted like it was completely normal when i marched out of my room with an armful of my favorite books demanding that they had to be placed in the same box with my hoodies and stored precisely as the very first box you come to as soon as you roll the door open of the storage facility because i love my hoodies and don't know how long i can live without them. And Lord knows i'll be busting that door open to get to my precious books. How will i cope when i can no longer sleep next to my books?

See? I have gone C R A Z Y inside this third level of hell.

Fortunately us Honea gals are made of the same fabric. So my mom lovingly made sure that my Dekker books got stored with my pants and my Rosenberg books got stored with my winter shirts. All is good...and so well labeled that even though the rest of my life may be completely scattered about and unorganized, at least i'll know that if i run out of pajama pants AND i want to read a Brennan Manning book at the same time that i need my yoga mat, I'll know EXACTLY where to look.

One of the main things my mom came to help me with today though is our flower bed. Neither of my roomates nor myself have ever had to bother with taking care of flower beds before we moved in here. So take care of them we did not. And the weeds grew and grew until i didn't know what belonged there and what didn't. I'm trying to do everything possible to get all of our deposit back on this house, so my mom showed up with some cute gardening gloves and showed me exactly what to do.

This was how it looked when we started:

I got really excited and told my mom that although we had a lot of weeds at least our landlord would be moving back to two new palm trees that we had grown for her. But sadly i soon found out those were weeds as well. Some majorly tough weeds.

After several thorn pricks that penetrated all the way through my cute gardening gloves (who knew that weeds grew thorns???) and some serious tugging and pulling of palm trees, we finally got the flower bed back in reasonable shape.

And here is my lovely, exhausted mom after a L O N G days work:

All in all, a very productive day. Resembling hell in many ways, but still made so much better by my mom and sister. Although those palm trees are the closest i'll get to a beach this year...so i AM going to miss them.

Last Week It Was Swoony....Now It's Creepy

2009-06-25T10:48:00.003-05:00

Last week, as I shared, i re-watched Karla and Jonathan's dance on So You Think You Can Dance too many times to share the actual number here. That included this past weekend in-between worship sets at church. Our worship team, and church in general, is a bit Mac happy. It is not uncommon to walk into the green room during a service and see five macs sitting on five laps all in a row. Someone always comments on it, we all look up from the glow of our screens and nod in acknowledgment and then go back to whatever we were doing before our mac reverie was interrupted.

That means that this weekend everyone had to hear falling slowly over and over again as well as heavy sighs at all of the parts were Karla was cradled in Jonathan's arms. That sounds kind of creepy. Which is appropriate because for some reason it seems that everyone had doubled dosed on some kind of creepy pill. The guys in particular had quite a time drenching me in creep. I realize that drench is an extremely strong and somewhat disgusting descriptive word...but trust me. It's appropriate here.

The following video was shot after Christian creepily followed me down the hallway and into the greenroom all the while maintaining the following creepy face. Now, instead of swooning when i hear this song i actually get a little scared...

(There's actually a service going on on the other side of the door...which is why you will keep hearing panicked "sshhh's" and "shut up's" from Matty. Apparently we were too creeped out to worry about the eternal life of a thousand people sitting ten feet from us. Some worship team we are...)

The Rewind Button On My Tivo Is About To Fall Off

2009-06-18T22:06:00.003-05:00

Is it lame that i get all swoony every single time i watch this?

Oh well...

Joel and Matt Say it Better Than Me

2009-06-09T18:48:00.003-05:00

Tear: Down: The: Walls:

Tear down the walls

See the world

Is there something we have missed?

Turn from ourselves

Look Beyond

There is so much more than this

And I don't need to see it to believe it.

I don't need to see it to believe it.

Cause I can't shake this fire burning deep inside my heart

Look to the skies

HOPE ARISE

See His majesty revealed

More than this life

There is love

There is hope

And this is real

Cause i don't need to see it to believe it

I don't need to see it to believe it

This life is yours

and hope is rising

As your glory floods our hearts

Let love tear down these walls

That all creation would come back to you

Your name is Glorious

Glorious

Your love is changing us

Calling us

To worship in spirit and in truth

As all creation returns to You

Oh for all the sons and daughters

Who are walking in the darkness

You are calling us to lead them back to You

We will see your spirit rising

As the lost come out of hiding

Every heart will see this hope we have in You

The Little Piggy Flu That Couldn't

2009-06-04T22:32:00.005-05:00

This past Saturday while i was lazily enjoying the slow southern life of Alabama i received a text from my dear roommate informing me that my long awaited running shoes had arrived in the mail.

I should probably fess up to the fact that i had already text her twice since i had been gone asking her to check the front porch for my shoe arrival. Neither of us use the front door now that there are just two of us living here and over the past few weeks a couple of killer birds have made a nest out of our light fixture over our front door. Needless to say, it made me a little nervous to have my beloved shoes sitting under what i imagine is a steady stream of bird poo.

On our drive back to Conway the next day there were two phrases that came out of my mouth more than a few times. The first one was "can we stop? i have to pee again."

I'm such a joy to have on a road trip.

And i now realize i have successfully (or perhaps unsuccessfully) discussed both "poo" and "pee" within the first three small paragraphs of this post.

Classy.

The second phrase was "i can't wait to get home and take my new shoes on a run." I'm not kidding...these shoes have been more anticipated than...well..i can't think of anything witty to compare it to. But trust me, they've been highly anticipated.

As soon as i got home Sunday evening i ripped open the box, threw them on and hurried on over to Salem Trail to enjoy the last fragments of daylight that were left. And let me tell you...IT WAS THE BEST RUN OF MY LIFE.

The shoes that i've been running in i've had for about two and a half years, and every time i mention to anybody what type of running shoe i use they've shot me a look of disbelief quickly followed by disgust and told me it's a wonder my body hasn't completely fallen apart yet. And that's what it's felt like...a slow death.

But not Sunday night. I finished after being able to go further than i ever have before and as i walked to my car i realized that it didn't feel like my knee was on fire or that my ankles were going to go out or that the doctor i work for was going to have to adjust my back. In fact, i felt really really good. I was on running cloud 9.

And then on Monday i woke up with what i am convinced is the swine flu.

And all week long these beautiful shoes have sat in the same spot, mocking me every time i look at them.

I keep expecting to wake up each day feeling better and able to go on a run. And really, there have been very few times in my life where i actually yearn to go on a run, so i feel as if i should take advantage of it.

But apparently my body has different plans.

So in the meantime i have consumed an entire box of white cheddar cheez-its and probably a gallon of sweet tea. It's a good thing i'm so health conscious while i'm not able to so much as move without wanting to pass out.

I'm sure those calories are just burning themselves.

A Sick Beginning...But a Good Beginning Nonetheless

2009-06-02T11:24:00.010-05:00

Somehow i made it through all of fall, winter and spring without so much as a sniffle.

Enter the very beginning of summer...and i'm laid up on the couch sick, watching reruns of Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Matlock.

Which, to be honest, i'm not entirely hating :)

Speaking of things that summer has brought in, there are some changes that are being made besides my level of sickness and television watching habits.

Apparently my taste buds have taken a small vacation from their senses and foods that i have formerly hated my entire life are suddenly the things that i cannot get enough of.

Such as sweet tea. And cheez-its.

Sweet tea i completely blame on sylvia b....callie's mother. I swear that woman could make snake eggs appetizing to me. I was told her sweet tea was an experience that i couldn't refuse, so i drank up one sunday afternoon...and i've not been the same since. Of course my recent trip to the even further south solidified my love of this delicious treat. (Dear Lord, please bring a Milo's to Arkansas) And so yesterday i made two separate trips to Mcdonalds to indulge in the deliciousness that is their sweet tea. I blame the need for that much sweet tea on my illness.

As if my body wasn't in enough shock from my new obsession with sweet tea, Cecilia talked me into trying White Cheddar Cheez-it's on our trip to Alabama. I LOVE cheese...especially processed cheese. But cheez-it's and goldfish have always been where i draw the line. Now, the line is blurred and i bet before long i'll be eating huge amounts of green beans as well (green beans are the end of the line for me as far as food is involved).

So if i gain ten pounds this summer, you'll know why. And you'll know who to blame.

(Sylvia and Cec. Not my lack of self control involving delicious food)

The trip to Birmingham was refreshing...and United was of course, amazing. Although i was disappointed because i grilled Lydia on who would be on tour hoping that i would finally get to see my good friend Brooke Fraser. Lydia informed me that yes, she was on tour with them. So i was completely giddy with excitement until we were sitting at CiCi's Pizza in Memphis on the way to AL and i received a twitter stating that Brooke had holed herself up in a cabin North Carolina. Not that i blame her...but, WHAT? Regardless, i still enjoyed United and the girl that led was nothing short of amazing. Although i was the hottest i've ever been. And that includes the trip to see Marc Broussard in an air conditioning free warehouse in Memphis in the middle of July three summers ago. Last Friday night has replaced that experience as the hottest i've ever been.

But the worship was A M A Z I N G

Here's a look...

After worship Friday night we crashed...H A R D.

But after sleeping ridiculously late on Saturday we got up and going, eager to take in everything Birmingham had to offer...or at least the ice cream and sweet tea :)

Also, apparantly Alabama is giving away free babies...

Other highlights of the trip...Cec and i made up new lyrics to "Come Together" that involve "snowball hiccups" and "rolo's up and down his legs". Be sorry you missed that experience :)

And a LOT of time in the car...a L O T. Good thing i like road trips. And the people i was traveling with :)

Unfortunately, this is the only group picture i have of us...Just picture bama on the other side of me. Or as his uncle made us call him, "Aubrey". I had no idea of the rivalry between Auburn and Alabama (State? University? College? I'm so lacking of knowledge of football teams)

All in all, it was a good trip. Even if i did catch the plague and have to spend the next two days on my couch wanting to die.

...A good beginning to a great summer...

For Today

2009-05-28T15:09:00.005-05:00

I haven't talked about my previous job a lot, but for a little over two years i worked as a caseworker for families with children in foster care. This was not a career i had dreamt of doing while in college, but the opportunity came up as i was graduating and not really knowing WHAT i wanted to do with my life i grabbed at the opportunity for a grown up job with a grown up salary. Getting to help people was actually a bonus :)

I in no way regret the time that i spent doing this work. In fact, though it was probably the hardest two years of my life, i appreciate so much everything that i learned from being forced into situations that were totally uncomfortable for me. From the overwhelming amount of work to be done in an absurdly small amount of time to loving families that i never would have met outside of this position, every experience i had there grew me in a way that i never would have grown otherwise.

I remember the very first time i had to testify in court. Me...a completely naive girl raised in what i soon learned was a completely protected bubble...fresh out of college without even an ounce of experience in this profession...and i had to testify in court against a bipolar prostitute who seriously wanted to injure me.

I was completely, out of my mind, scared to death.

I eventually got a little more comfortable in the courtroom and actually got pretty decent at testifying in court while somebody was across the room leering at me and shouting lies my way. Sound made up? Not even a little...

A few months in to this new job i started to discover new levels of stress that i had never even imagined existed. For the first 6 months to a year of this job i would wake up almost nightly having a panic attack. I was a mess. One of my mentor's at my job talked to me about having boundaries and "leaving work at work"...but this made no sense to me. How do you just shut off caring about someone and trying to figure out how to fix their situation at 5:00 everyday? I just couldn't figure out how to do that.

I was almost completely at the end of my rope when i finally was able to look up to God long enough to receive his help. I was doing a Beth Moore study at the time about the Old Testament Temple and everything that entailed the worship of God at that time. I remember sitting on my bed late one night, knowing that i needed to go to sleep so that i could function at work the next day...but being desperate to receive something, anything from God that would sustain me.

I was reading through Exodus and the Israelites journey through the desert to the Promised Land. This was something that i'd read and heard told for almost all of my life, but as i was doing my study Beth made me slow down and really look at what i was reading. I was reading about how God provided manna for his children everyday as they were traveling. I had never thought twice about this, but when i slowed down and really thought about it, it seemed to leap off the page at me.

God provided for them. Not in a small way...not in a big way. In exactly the way that they needed for the day. He provided enough for them to survive that exact day. Any leftovers they had would be rotted the next day, so they were forced to receive from him only what they needed to make it through that very day.

I thought about what this meant in my life. Sometimes i get caught in extremes. I'll either come to God with enormous things that need from him...and then sometimes i just don't come to him at all with things. I'm very "all or nothing" with a lot of areas of my life. And i thought about each day. Each day how much energy i needed to make it through all of my appointments and paperwork. Each day how much grace i needed to extend to the families i was working with. Each day how much love i needed to pour out on the people that were hurting and needy. Each day how much patience i needed so that i didn't blow up on somebody.

Was i able to believe him for enough just for one day? Sure i was.

I began writing the word "manna" across my wrist each day as a reminder to believe that he is faithful to provide exactly how much i need for that day. At moments when i was overcome with the amount of work i had to do, or angry at a client for cussing me out, or annoyed with a child that had just run away from their foster home for the fifth time...at those moments i would glance down at my wrist and see His reminder. That he had given me enough for that day. That his grace is bigger than any situation i had gotten myself into.

Slowly, the panic attacks began to cease. The times i would have to hide in my car and have an emotional breakdown became less and less. And the more i was able to extend grace to people that tested my limits each day.

God's reminder of his manna is what helped me last the 27 months that i worked there. But once i quit i didn't really think about it much anymore But the other day i started to have a mini freak out with HIm...Me reminding him that it looks like i'm moving backwards in life...that i'm nowhere near where i always thought i would be at this point in my life. When i heard him whisper that word again...manna.

And he reminded me...that i don't have to have next month figured out...or next week. Or even tomorrow. I just have to know that i am exactly where He wants me to be today. That i have followed him and he has led me here. For some reasons i know, and for some reasons i'm sure i don't. But i asked Him to lead me, and he led me here...so for today i know that i am where i should be. For today i know that he will provide for my every need. For today i know that he has not forgotten me. For today he is still leading me towards tomorrow.

Leaves of Grass

2009-05-24T14:22:00.002-05:00

I've been reading through Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass lately...but there is this one section that i can't move on from...i love the imagery it gives and the thoughts it conveys...I'm posting it below...So Enjoy!

A child said, What is the grass? fetching it to me with full hands;

How could I answer the chld?...I do not know what it is any more than he.

I guess it must be the flag of my disposition, out of hopeful green stuff woven.

Or I guess it is the handkerchief of the Lord,

A scented gift and remembrancer designedly dropped,

Bearing the owner's name someway in the corners, that we may see and remark, and say Whose?

Or i guess the grass is itself a child...the produced babe of the vegetation.

Or i guess it is a uniform hieroglyphic,

And it means, Sprouting alike in broad zones and narrow zones,

Growing among black folks as among white,

Kanuck, Tuckahoe, Congressman, Cuff. I give them the same, I receive them the same.

And now it seems to me the beautiful uncut hair of graves.

Tenderly will i use you curling grass,

It may be you transpire from the breasts of young men,

It may be if I had known them I would have loved them;

It may be you are from old people and from women, and from offspring taken soon out of their mothers' laps...

What do you think has become of the young and old men?

And what do you think has become of the women and children?

They are alive and well somewhere;

The smallest sprout shows there is really no death,

And if ever there was it led forward life, and does not wait at the end to arrest it,

And ceased the moment life appeared.

All goes onward and outward...and nothing collapses,

And to die is different from what any one supposed, and luckier.

Too Unorganized To Even Deserve A Title...

2009-05-23T14:00:00.005-05:00

It's a lazy saturday...and these are my absolute favorite days. Having no commitments for the day means that i can sleep in, drink coffee for an absurdly long time and slowly do things around my house that i've ignored all week, whilst intermittently reading or catching up on a show or just staring out the window. I know...i lead a wild life. And the even greater thing about having a lazy saturday is that on weekends that i'm off from the worship team, if i'm smart I go to church on saturday night, so i can relive my lazy saturday on sunday! I'm too smart for my own good sometimes :)

So, it officially feels like summer in Arkansas now. And i couldn't be more happy. Although I've been dying to kick off the summer by watching Now and Then...you remember it, right? The brilliant movie that came out years ago about 4 best friends living the best summer ever? I used to absolutely love that movie, and have seen it countless times although it's probably been at least ten years since the last time i watched it. But as luck would have it, not a single movie place in Conway carries this classic. Which really is just a huge bummer. So i guess i'll just have to buy it of Amazon (darn) and wait for it to get here to officially kick off the summer :)

Sadly though, as summer kicks off that means some goodbyes are in order for some of the dear friends i've made this year through 24/7. Luckily some will still be here for the summer, and others i'll just have to hope to see them come back next year! So, if anybody from 24/7 ever reads this, just know that you guys are amazing and i have more respect for you than i've probably shown throughout the year. I'm not sure if i've ever seen a more obvious group of world changers...you guys rule.

While this weekend will be defined as staring out a window, standing in line for an hour at old navy for some one dollar flip flops and then attending the wedding of an amazing friend, next weekend....I get to see Hillsong United! Next Friday Cec, a few other amazing 24/7 friends of ours, and myself will set off to Birmingham to to worship with United and then spend the rest of the weekend taking in everything Birmingham has to offer. I'm not completely sure what all Birmingham actually has to offer seeing as the longest amount of time i've spent there has been a half hour at Fazoli's on my way to Florida. Which...man i miss that restaurant. The closing of that might as well be called a closing on a chapter of Becca's life. Because i am in fact a huge fan of unlimited breadsticks and cheap pasta.

What was i talking about???

Oh..Birmingham. Like i said, i don't know what all it has to offer...but thanks to my dear friend CBJ i do know that it is the home of Southern Living...so it can't be that bad, right?

So there's a highly unorganized update on my life as of now. Cec is making sure i take the video camera on our road trip to Alabama next week, so i'm sure at some point i'll have a highly entertaining video of us driving down the road to post. I know...the anticipation is too much to handle, i'm sure.

Love.

Reality TV Owns Me

2009-05-20T23:22:00.006-05:00

It's too fresh. I can't talk about Idol yet...mainly because i don't even know what to say.

Kris is the American Idol.

I just have to get used to it.

In other highly important news...now that that the season of Idol is officially over Fox has something else up their sleeve for us besides the teaser episode of Glee...which holy cow don't even get me started on. I swear i saw every dream i've ever had in my life coming true as i watched that show...and i've now officially watched the ending three times.

But seeing as that doesn't come on until the fall Fox is providing me a lovely little delicacy for the summer in the form of So You Think You Can Dance. And they are wasting no time and starting it the night after the Idol finale. That's what i like to see, Fox.

This afternoon i was listening to my most recent playlist and "Lost" by Anouk came on...which gave me such a yearning to re-watch Courtney and Gev's performance to it last season over and over again. So i traveled on over to Youtube and pulled the video up. And then thanks to the suggestions on the side of the page i then re-watched almost every single quality dance from last season. And i was reminded of one that i had forgotten was so amazing...So i'm providing it for you as a little taste of what is to come this glorious summer. I can promise watch parties will be had this summer in honor of this beautiful show...and i can also guarantee you that each episode will watched at least 5 times in the week break between the shows. It's not something that i'm proud of, but it's still something that is true.

Also, i would give anything to own the pair of sweatpants that Courtney is wearing in practice. If anyone knows where i can score a pair like that, let me know! I need a pair of those!!!

Love

2009-05-19T21:29:00.008-05:00

This afternoon in my time with God, 1 Corinthians 13 caught my eye.

Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-serving.

Wait...love is not self-serving? That really caught my attention. I remembered that i once heard to go back through that passage and replace every time love is said with your name. I tried that...

Rebecca is not self serving.

I proclaimed it like a banner over my life to see if it fit.

It didn't.

Ouch.

Out of all the passages in the bible, 1 Cor 13 is one of the few that i actually know by heart. I learned it in the 8th grade during my junior high obsession with a 9th grader. Rachel, who was the first mentor type person to enter my life, was 5 years older than me and i believed that she could do no wrong. She made me memorize these love verses probably hoping to inject some Godly realism into my "hopeless love" drama... and so of course i followed her every suggestion.

Somehow these words stuck in my head through all of these years and I've always loved this grouping of verses. When spoken aloud they seem to radiate a certain ethereal type of life throughout my soul. These words take me back to the First Southern Baptist Church gym in Bryant and all the drama that went along with being an 8th grade girl. These words followed me through the next several years, attaching themselves to memories and places and faces that i have known and loved and cherish. These words chase me through dry spells and mountain tops. They've called my name during heartache and disappointment, and rejoiced with me in those moments that i thought there was no way life could ever get any better. These words have been my blanket wrapping around me on cold lonely nights, moments of doubt, moments of surrender and moments of pure, unadulterated love. Because if this is the kind of love our Maker is calling us to have, then i know without a doubt that this is the kind of love that He is.

Today as i fondly read over these familiar verses and tested them to see if they've held true in my life it was that one line... love is not self serving...that sent the arrows of conviction through my heart. If i had to sum up all of my actions into one term lately, would it be love?

Sadly, i think self serving would be a more adequate word.

Thank God for wake up calls. And thank God for his grace.

He is my love.

And love never fails.

Three Words...

2009-05-14T00:15:00.000-05:00

Kris Allen Day.

A Good Day.

With A Parade.

Go here for the full video of the day.

Maybe My Grandkids Will Think I'm Cool

2009-05-06T23:54:00.007-05:00

Ya'll.

Kris Allen is in the top 3 of American Idol.

That's like, a big deal, right?

One day i can proclaim proudly to my grandkids that I knew KA back before he made it big on Idol. And then they will just blink and have no reply because by then America will have tired of the judges attempts to control this country's votes and Idol will just be a thing of the distant past.

A side note/plea to any of my friends that are considering American Idol auditions in the future. Please don't. While i can support you in your wild success, the road there is just to emotionally taxing for the likes of me. And America (and by America i mean the judges who have lost any credibility they had left with me this year) is just too unpredictable. I can hardly handle it.

Between my euphoric mood at the fact that Kris is reppin' Conway in the best way possible and the 25 mg pill of diphenhydramine i took about an hour ago in the form of Tylenol Pm (because i a) have a headache from the pits of...you get the idea...and b)have insomnia...hence, tylenol pm...makes sense, right? right.) i am feeling pretty good right now.

Also, i realize that i have now used the word "reppin' " twice in the past week. Let me reassure you that this word is not usually such a big part of my vocabulary. I'm just "frontin'".

Wow. I think it's time for me to stop fighting it and finally succumb to sleep. I have a feeling i may regret this post tomorrow when i'm not flying high from over the counter medication.

And i just realized...i only took half the dosage...so it's only 12.5 mg of the good stuff. My tolerance level for medication (and caffeine) is embarrassingly low.

***by the way...for a great post about Kris visit Erin's blog. It shows great insight into who we are proudly supporting. (click on erin's name. I'm not sure why my links aren't showing up colored...but i promise it's there.)

At This Rate I Might As Well Trade the Civic In For a Canoe

2009-05-04T22:48:00.004-05:00

The rain came. And it came and it came and it came.

And friends...it still hasn't stopped.

Now, i'm never one to knock a good rainstorm...especially if with it comes much thunder and lightning. But every single stinkin' day for a week solid? Including my favorite weekend of the year? And did i mention that it's May? Time for the sun to be shining and the outdoor fun to be having made.

Ok, enough with the rant...

Because of the afore mentioned rain (i did mention the rain, right?) my weekend went a lot differently than i planned. I'd been looking forward to the past four days for the past twelve months and while i'm a little heart broken that all of my time was not consumed by the beauty that is stuck on a truck...this weekend was definitely much needed.

This past weekend embodied such a simple, peaceful bliss. I didn't do anything major....mainly just hung around different spots of this town that i love so much...drinking a lot of coffee and having a lot of refreshing conversation with lovely friends. Callie moved into the cutest old house downtown and it has some major porch action going on...we're talking fabulous porches in the front AND the back...including two absolutely perfect porch swings. And that's where i spent a lot of my time...just rocking slowly as the rain poured and the thunder rumbled and i sipped my coffee and and my soul soared.

I don't know about you, but God seems to speak in themes in my life. And while there for a couple of months things were more of a quiet understanding between me and God about our love for each other....now we seem to be having more of this glorious dialogue thing going on that i am just adoring. And there is this one theme that keeps coming up again and again and again. Maybe i'll share more eventually, but just know that for now...it's changing everything about the way i think. And hopefully making me a better person....that hopefully can display the love of God in a more real way.

This quiet, reflective, bliss of a weekend somehow seemed to cement in me that work that God is doing. So would i trade that for all the stuck on a truck in the world? No way.

But man...all the stuck on a truck in the world that i wanted? What a thought...

No Hallucinating...Yet

2009-05-01T09:24:00.005-05:00

Country music blaring, a loud voice declares "Ten seconds until the break". Amber and I slip our "pit pass" lanyards over our necks and open the gate to walk into the land of the tents that houses the stuck on a truck contestants on their five minute breaks. As soon as we enter the gates Amber takes off into a sprint toward the back where Alex's tent is located, to be there to welcome and help him during his short break. "Wow. She's enthusiastic" I thought as i slowly loped past the first tent.

That's when i realized she was more than enthusiastic. She was scared for her life. I figured this out while i was standing hunched over with my arms protecting my head and eyes squeezed shut as a blur of 25 green shirts stampeded past me with record speed.

Apparently i'd underestimated the enthusiasm of the contestants at the beginning of the event. I'm more prone to affectionately remember the contestants two days in when the hallucinating and delusions kick in and they are moving at a much. slower. pace.

Which, to be honest, is the main reason this weekend is so dear to my heart :)

Here's Amber and I reppin' Alex's pit crew.

Also, i may or may not have busted some regrettable moves to a few Prince songs last night. I can't help what this weekend brings out in me.

Today is when Toad Suck officially begins. So...that means...THE FREAKS ARE MOVING IN!

I hopefully will be back with stories/pictures of some of Arkansas' finest. Somehow i forgot to take a pic of the actual stuck on a truck event last night. But i did get a pic of this amazing banner hanging right next to the truck.

If they are already advertising drug testing banners this is sure to be an interesting weekend.

You Can Find Me By The Big Red Truck

2009-04-30T14:37:00.004-05:00

It's here.

My favorite weekend of the entire year.

A weekend that sadly i discovered after far too long of living in Conway without.

Toad Suck Weekend.

To tell you the truth, i could care less about Toad Suck Weekend if it were not for the one attraction that it features.

Stuck On A Truck.

A people watching event that draws out the freaks and the rednecks from every walk of life. I count down the months, weeks and then days to this every year. Last year i even rearranged my work schedule so that i could spend more time at the event. The days that i have had to spend at work during SOAT (stuck on a truck) have been spent closely monitoring the webcam that they have so thoughtfully provided for me on their website. But this year, i just happen to have a three day weekend to spend at this gloriousness, and i couldn't be more excited!

And BONUS...I actually know somebody on the truck this year!

So the days of being the creepy girl that is feverishly cheering on somebody that she has never before laid eyes on is over. I like to think i'm an actual part of the event this year! ( i mean i am...more or less...right?)

Hopefully i'll be back with lots of stories...maybe some pictures...or maybe, even better, some video of the weirdo's that are for some reason always drawn to me.

I Wish I Could Pick Up the Pen I Just Dropped

2009-04-28T16:02:00.007-05:00

A couple of weeks ago i read a blog that completely convinced me of a workout called the 30 day shred. In lieu of the fact that it was supposed to rain everyday this week and probably for the rest of my life according to the 10 day forecast, i decided this would be a smart buy. Mainly because i know myself...and as long as i am regularly working out i don't have a problem staying motivated. The slightest little hiccup though, like a lifetime of unending rain storms (that are forecast to last throughout my favorite weekend of the year...grrrr...) and i might as well throw my running shoes in the back of my closet for the next 2 months.

So yesterday afternoon, in anticipation of the thunderstorm that didn't come until 11:00 that night...i totally could have gone running...Callie and I pushed my giant ottoman out of the way, fashioned together metal rods to use as weights and hit play on the dvd.

And then 20 minutes of crying and groaning and cursing ensued...

I'm kidding....Or am I?

I tell you for no other reason that to talk about the fact that every single time i've had to sit down today i've had to bite my lip to keep from crying out loud in pain....unsuccessfully. But apparently i'm a glutton for punishment because i will be "shredding" again later today.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY WEEKEND!

(so good with the transitions, am i not?)

Friday night i headed to Bryant to have family dinner in honor of my dad's birthday. Mom made her fantastic taco's...which i would have enjoyed way more if i had not drown myself beforehand in the beauty that is my dad's salsa. This was a special night because not only was it my dad's birthday, but it was the last family get together we would have before babies start appearing left and right. Well, hopefully not left and right, but you get my point. Amanda was already having contractions, and bless her heart she did her best not to show her pain (so much like me today every time i try to sit down :) ). I headed back to Conway after dinner and Chris text me when i was halfway home letting me know they were on their way to the hospital but to sit tight...it would probably be a while.

So i took my sweet self home and got a good nights rest and then headed up there bright and early Saturday morning. I hadn't been there long when...Wa La! Mackenzie Brooke was born.

And what a beaut she is!

After about 7,893 pictures were taken i headed the two blocks over to check on my cousin Jeremy. I am telling you, the faith and strength i have seen in my aunt during this whole ordeal...i pray that i can be like her one day. Jeremy's sister in law had to be rushed to the emergency room the day before because they thought she was having a heart attack. It turned out to be an anxiety attack because of all the stress the family is under right now because of Jeremy's health. My mom was telling me this story and it immediately got me down. But then she told me my aunt's reaction. She said that as soon as she heard what had happened that she called her daughter in law and said "Listen. You cannot let this get you down or stress you out. We are believing God for his healing and we just have to let him do his thing. There is nothing you or I can do other than pray and let God do what he does best".

Said the woman that has been living in a hospital for the past 3 weeks while doctors tell her that her son may never be the same again.

That is faith.

After my tour of the hospitals I headed back to Conway and Callie and I outran the thunderstorms to Petit Jean to do some hiking. Apparently we were focusing too much on outrunning the rain and we overshot our exit by about...oh, i don't know...30 minutes. But somehow on our extra hour long jaunt we missed the rain, so i guess it worked?

Anyways, it was beautiful...everything was such a vibrant shade of green. We spent about half an hour stalkishly watching a couple at the waterfall because we were completely sure the guy was about to propose. But he never did. Which was a shame because he had the perfect set up.

And on the way back i had to dodge around several dead raccoon carcasses, so i guess i'm not the only one that has had her car decimated by the vermin that roam Petit Jean. However, i did almost lose my windshield because of the dinosaur sized bird that was devouring it's meal in the middle of the road and then decided to fly STRAIGHT AT MY CAR.

Apparently when my car makes the trip out past Morrilton every rodent and bird in a 20 mile radius want to try and see how much duct tape they can cause to be secured to the front of my Civic.

Very funny, mother earth.

An Out of This World Experience

2009-04-27T15:14:00.003-05:00

This morning when my alarm went off at 5:30, I slowly opened my eyes and a grin spread across my face at the thought of the day to come... and with greats amount of energy, yet ever so daintily, i skipped to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

Right...and then birds styled my hair and whistled a sweet morning tune.

The more accurate depiction of my morning...the alarm went off at 5:30 (which really is an act of God smiling down on me, because usually i have to be at work by 5:15. And the alarm going off at 4:15? That's just for the birds. Not the same birds that styled my hair this morning...)

ok...my alarm went off at 5:30...i hit snooze until precisely 6:08 when my phone said that it was done trying to wake me up. i slowly got out of bed...tripped over a pair of shoes i left on my floor last night and practically fell into the bathroom where i began to brush my teeth.

Now, it's about this time that i heard my roomate's alarm go off. She has this amazingly awful one that is the loudest, most obnoxious alarm clock sound i've ever heard in my life. Which...maybe i should invest in so that i don't hit snooze for 38 minutes.

I heard her switch off her alarm clock and then i heard a sound that made me freeze, toothbrush hanging out of my mouth and eyes wide open (for the first time that morning).

All of a sudden there was a sound so loud that it was almost like it was completely covering me...it was like extreme white noise and i could hear this low voice saying a jumbled mix of things, none of which made any sense.

And in that moment i knew exactly what it was. And i'm not even lying to you when i say that i couldn't move for fear for a solid 10 seconds because i was completely sure of what was going on.

An alien invasion.

I'm nothing if not level headed at 6 am.

I eventually realized that i wasn't going to have to start throwing glasses of water on foreign invaders and that what i was actually hearing is what i assume was anne accidentally switching the buzzer to the radio in an effort to be rid of the beeping sound from hell.

My bad.

The Beauty of Life

2009-04-24T15:13:00.007-05:00

Right now i'm re-reading one of my favorite books. In this book the main character is struggling with the variety of emotions that we as humans are able to have. She learns that perhaps without having such a severe depth to fall to, that the height to which we are able to rise would possibly not be as glorious. And she is baffled by the fact that two extremes can not only exist within just one person, but also a within solitary moment.

That is how i feel this week.

I love Arkansas summers so much and the weeks leading up to them is quite possibly one of my favorite times of the year. Something about this time of year just whispers hope into my very being. But it also reminds me of last summer when i thought i would be somewhere so different this summer.

This morning i had an incredible time with God. But as soon as i walked away from my time with Him i tripped over some of the same old sin patterns that i have dealt with for a while and defeat was my anthem for the next two hours until again, He rescued me.

This weekend more than likely i will be at the hospital with part of my family as i become an aunt for the first time. Not two blocks away the other part of my family will be sitting in my cousin's hospital room pleading for God to give him his life back.

God is sovereign. I know this. I love the way that he has created the world to run such a specific way. And truthfully, I love that i don't understand all of His ways. It gives me comfort to know that i don't have to understand it all...that someone much more capable is in control.

But if you wouldn't mind...my family could use all the prayer in the world right now. It is such a hard time for us right now, but we are trying to continue in faith that my cousin Jeremy will be completely healed. That the guy with the larger than life personality, who is very much one of my favorite people in the world, will not only be able to walk and talk again but will actually be himself again...filled with life and joy and a contagious excitement about life.

Somebody Call Adult Protective Services

2009-04-20T14:35:00.004-05:00

"This pain is enough to make me slap my momma. Slap my momma i tell you."

-said the new patient i had today...who was also wearing winnie the pooh scrubs.

Becoming Me Again

2009-04-18T12:22:00.006-05:00

(thunder rumble)

I've discovered about myself that the longer the breaks i take between blogging the harder it is for me to blog again. I keep meaning to post and keep meaning to post and then when i finally have a chance to, i feel overwhelmed with all the things (thunder rumble) that i have wanted to say and then i feel building pressure for it to be amazing....and then i crumple under the pressure which results in no blog.

I've also discovered about myself that i am much more likely to blog if there is some kind of weather event going on. A storm is moving in and for some reason i thought it would be appropriate to document every thunder rumble as it makes it's way towards me. I'm not sure (thunder rumble) why i think that....but this is my blog and if i want to obsess over weather patterns i feel i am entitled to that :)

I've felt kind of lost lately. Not in a 'depressed, i hate my life' kind of way. Not even close to that. But more in a 'i've been so busy and distracted to take time to notice the little things that make me, me' kind of way. I am usually a pretty happy person by nature, but i've noticed a pattern. When I get busy and begin to obsess over things that aren't the Lord, my time with Him begins to get less and less. And then the less time i spend with Him the more i stop noticing the little things about life that usually give me more pleasure than anything. And then it's not necessarily that i get "unhappy" as much as i just am more easily aggravated and annoyed by small things than i usually am. Oh, and MUCH more judgmental. And really, who am i to be judgmental of others AT ALL?

There has been a shifting the past couple of weeks. It's not necessarily that i've gotten any heavy revelations from God or anything...it's more that He's just slowly re-revealing Himself to me through small joys. And reminding me of the things that I love about Him. And the things that He loves about me.

One of my favorite things about my job is getting to hear all of the different stories that people come in with. (I never said i was good with conversational transitions). I am the doctor's assistant at my work which means i get to go into consultations with him all day as he tries to decide who he can treat and who he cannot. And one of my very favorite things that i hear come from the lips of pretty much every man over the age of 70 is when they call the doctor "doc". I love it. I had one elderly man this week that said these words in his slow southern drawl "Well Doc...I just think that if I were able to get this back pain under control that I would be able to get up and run a foot race!" A FOOT RACE! I don't think i've heard those words since i was about seven years old! And it took everything in me to keep myself composed and not laugh out loud. Because i think that may have been one of the most precious things i've heard in a while.

ALSO....one of my job responsibilities is to call the patients that will be coming in the following week and go over a few questions with them. And i kid you not, i had to call a woman this week with the name of Elvis. She told me that she goes by Christine...which, of course makes sense...

But it took EVERYTHING in me...i'm talking biting down on my lip and repeating to myself over and over in my head "do not say Elvis. do not say Elvis" to actually not call her Elvis.

Such a waste of a name if you ask me.

This has been a wild smorgasbord of thoughts that i have decided to call a blog today. Hopefully now that i've broken the blog ice i can be back later this week with a more organized thought process. And if you haven't noticed the thunder rumbles have stopped. So i'm off to investigate and beg God to move that enormous storm i saw on the radar earlier a little closer to my house :)

Love.

My Thoughts In List Formation

2009-04-06T23:51:00.006-05:00

-Naps are ruining my life. I tried so hard not to take one today but just couldn't stay awake. And now i will pay by not being able to go to sleep until 2 am. Just makes waking up at 5 am that much more fun :)

-My quest for an amazing April is going delightfully well so far. There are have been more amazing runs, good movies watched, great books read, and both lazy and purposeful conversation had then the whole month of March probably. Good job April.

-Speaking of movies, I watched Slumdog Millionaire tonight. I thought it was pretty good. I probably would have like it more if people had not talked it up SO much. However, the dance sequence during the credits more than changed my life. I have got to figure out some way to replicate that in real life...

-Also speaking of amazing runs...i can't go down salem trail anymore without remembering every single word that Callie and I wrote for 24/7 on Ironman Day. It really keeps me entertained during my run.

-Kris Allen sure is making this American Idol season a lot more fun for me. The highlight so far had to have been this past week when Kris absolutely nailed his performance...and the watch party i was at erupted with jumping and cheers and applause halfway through. Definitely felt like i was in a movie at that moment. And life was good.

-I already have a couple of amazing adventures (to find beauty...duh) planned for April. Two words: meteor shower.

-I really am loving my job right now. Even if one of my patients is trying to convince me that I'm receiving the mark of the beast by attending church on a Sunday.

-Actually the previous thought is probably helping me like my job even more. I LOVE meeting interesting people like that.

-I just found out that i get to stay...FOR FREE...in a beach house in Florida for a week this summer with three of my best friends from high school. I can't wait. Should be a blast...and should provide MANY interesting stories :)

-Turns out blogging gives me tired eyes...so i'm going to give the sleep thing a try a couple of hours early. If it works then i will be blogging more if for no other reason than to cure this awful bout of insomnia i have going right now.

Love.

Dear April,

2009-04-02T16:30:00.005-05:00

I have high hopes for you. I have committed that you will be a month of more time spent with my Maker, time spent slowing down and really appreciating the great storms you surely will throw my way (like today!), getting back to actually doing the little things that i love, LESS NAPS, and adventure to find beauty.

Also i vow to stop wasting so much of my valuable time on the computer. I mean it. There's even been talk of a week long break up between the internet and myself. I'm just saying.

So in short April, i have put a lot of trust in you to meet my oh so high expectations. I really do think you will be marvelous.

Your friend,

Rebecca M. Honea

More Than You Could Ever Wish To Know About Me

2009-03-30T00:37:00.004-05:00

Duh-of course I'm going to do this.

Cec-you know me too well...

Rebecca-ology

What is your salad dressing of choice?

ALWAYS balsamic vinaigrette. Unless i'm at Dixie Cafe...and i must have their honey mustard please.

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?

Such a hard question...Probably Cheesecake Factory. Sure do wish we had one here...

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?

Black beans. And pineapple.

And i have done that before.

What are your pizza toppings of choice.

Canadian bacon and pineapple. But i always forget how much i love that and usually go with sausage.

TECHNOLOGY

How many televisions are in your house?

Two. But the one in my room rarely gets used. Unless it's to have the weather channel on in the morning :)

What color cell phone do you have?

Black. Boring.

BIOLOGY

Are you right-handed or left-handed?

Right.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?

wisdom teeth...

What is the last heavy item you lifted?

eeeesshhh...i'm not allowed to lift heavy items right now...so...the kitchen chair?

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?

I don't think so?

BULLCRAPOLOGY

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?

are you kidding me? no way.

However i WAS convinced i was going to die by the time i was 18...weird, i know. But luckily, untrue.

If you could change your name what would you change it to?

What's the point in even trying to figure that out? It will never happen.

However, the day i get a less complicated last name will be a good day :)

(Lord, please don't let me marry a man with the last name Ruemanschniple)

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?

one thousand dollars? heck yes.

shoot...i'd probably do it for $200 these days...

DUMBOLOGY

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?

No idea...Quite a few though :)

Last time you had a run in with the cops?

Friday night.

And my friend Drew let me sit in the back seat of his cop car:)

EXTREMELY uncomfortable seats, let me tell you.

Last person you talked to?

SHerin.

Last person you hugged?

Probably Audra. Or one of those 24/7ers who take off for Africa today.

FAVORITOLOGY

Season?

If i've established anything on this blog it's the fact that i can't choose a favorite season.

But...spring.

Holiday?

Thanksgiving. A holiday all about eating? AND it kicks off my favorite time of the year?

Yes please.

Day of the week?

ummm...Thursday?

Month?

good night...i'm bad at these favorite questions...

i love all the month's equally. i am an equal opportunity month lover.

CURRENTOLOGY

Missing someone?

Lydia. And i just said goodbye to Audra and the 24/7ers, so i'll probably start missing them in, oh i don't know...24 hours?

Mood?

Reflective...but happy.

What are you listening to?

Right this second? Nothing...and it's bliss.

Watching?

Nothing. But SHerin and i just tried to watch Nights in Rodanthe...but once i realized how ridiculously bad it was, i was in and out for the rest of the movie...

Worrying about?

Nothing at all. It's a new way of life i'm living :)

DEPENDS-OLOGY

Do you always answer your phone?

Not at all. I used to be world's best at this...but these days, not so much.

It's four in the morning and you get a text message. Who is it?

Somebody who obviously does not know me. Because i won't even hear it. And if i did there is no way i would be coherent enough to respond.

If you could change your eye color what would it be?

Green....no blue...no green.

Can i have both?

What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?

cherry or vanilla depending on my mood.

Do you own a digital camera?

yes. but the question should be "do you ever use your digital camera?" and the answer would be no.

Have you ever had a pet fish?

Not really...My sister has always been the pet freak so although we had fish in our house growing up, they were mainly Liss's.

What's on your birthday wish list?

Psshhh....by the time my birthday gets here it will have changed approximately 565 times.

Although its usually Rosetta Stone about every 5 times it changes.

Does the future make you more nervous or excited?

Definitely excited. What's the point in worrying about tomorrow when you can just trust God?

Do you have any saved texts?

Not anymore...My phone saves all my texts.

BUT on my old phone i did have some rather hilarious ones from my mom. Ranging from "you go girl!" to "my baby goes to court!"

Ever been in a car wreck?

3 minor ones. The first one was a hit and run drunk driver. Rather dramatic. The third one caused my third concussion in a year. It was lovely.

Do you have an accent?

Doesn't everybody have an accent? So yes...Southern. But if the question was "can you do any other accent than your own?" then i would have to answer "not to save my life". it's ridiculous really how little talent i have in that area.

What is the last song to make you cry?

Healer-tonight at church.

Plans tonight?

Sleep...dear Lord, let me please get some sleep...

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?

Honestly...probably not. I've come pretty low before, but probably never rock bottom.

Knock on wood...

Name 3 things you bought yesterday?

I didn't buy a single thing yesterday. Honestly.

I can name three things my mom bought me on Friday though (because she's good like that)

-clothes

-lunch

-cell phone skin

Have you ever been given roses?

ummm...i can't remember. i don't think so though. which is a shame because getting flowers is probably one of my favorite things ever :)

Current hate right now?

That i never get to see the ghetto kids i miss so much from my old job.

I've been missing some of them like crazy lately.

Met someone who changed your life?

Oh, for sure. Too many to name even.

What song represents you?

I've been trying to figure this question out for years. And i still don't have a clue.

Name three people who might complete this:

Cec - although she's already done it

Callie- even though she said that she wouldn't... i don't really believe it :)

The third one is a toss up between Amber and Abe. Amber if she has time... Abe if he doesn't read that i said he would do it...because he will not do it just to spite me. If you're reading, i know you too well abe...

Would you go back in time if given a chance?

Shoot yeah. There are a few years i'd like to re-experience. However, would i go back to change anything? Probably not.

Well, maybe a few fashion decisions...

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?

No...

Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?

Who am i to say what could or could not happen in the next 4 months?

I am perfectly content with either option :)

Would you be a pirate?

Only if it involved Captain Jack Sparrow.

Or Cecilia's birthday.

What songs do you sing in the shower?

Rap...worship...really whatever is in my head.

Ever had someone sing to you?

nope. i'm still waiting on that one :)

When did you last cry?

Oh goodness...i've been a tad emotional today.

technically i cried at that awful movie nights in rodanthe.

probably an hour before that i cried at a story aurora told me ( i could get emotional on that one again right now...its an amazing story)

and then probably 30 minutes before that i cried during worship (healer) at church.

Crying usually wears me out. HOW AM I NOT ASLEEP YET???

Do you like to cuddle?

Love it. Callie and Erin currently get the brunt of my cuddle affections these days.

Have you held hands with anyone today?

ha...no.

Who was the last person you took a picture of?

Callie and myself...with Audra's sweet camera :)

What kind of music did you listen to in Elementary school?

Amy Grant and Gloria Estefan.

And country music in the summer only.

Do you believe in staying close with your ex's?

it's probably not the best idea...

Are most of the friends in your life new or old?

I've got a great combination of both :)

Do you like pulpy orange juice?

Sick. Who does?

What is something your friends make fun of you for?

oh gosh...how long do we have? :)

maybe i'll just list the most logical thing they make fun of me for.

and that's my irrational fear of dinosaurs.

What is something you're saving your money up for right now?

Rent :)

No, honestly...probably a trip to the dreamcenter this summer with Elevation.

When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly?

umm....probably three weeks ago.

What were you doing at 12 am last night?

L O N G E S T game of phase 10 E V E R

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?

that i was late and missed first service. that's usually my first thought on sunday's that i'm on the worship team. (it hasn't happened though...yet)

I Got My Ghetto Rhymes...

2009-03-25T23:42:00.004-05:00

I was searching through my files on the computer earlier today looking for something that i can't even remember right now. But luckily i stumbled upon a long lost gem. Oh, it's quite beautiful i tell you.

You see, before the dramatic life change last October i used to be surrounded daily by people that were...well, let's just say different than everything i've ever been used to.

I got to work with adorable (and sometimes quite violent) kiddos everyday that for whatever various reasons had been placed in foster care. So i worked with them and their families to take care of their needs and try to get them to a place where they (hopefully) could be reunited.

I'm just telling you, you should be shaking your fists at fate right now that i did not blog back then. Because i would have been able to come home every single day with unbelievable/incredible/hilarious stories. Of course some days i was so depressed by the state of some of these families that you probably would have gotten the brunt of that as well. So maybe it's a good thing....

Woah, i digress.

I also got to work with quite a few teenagers. These were usually the cases that most of my co-workers despised getting. And for good reason...most of these teens literally would make your life a living hell. All of the years of abuse and neglect in addition to the instilling of absolutely no values at all in the home made some of these kids have some serious issues.

And i was definitely not without my gripes about some of these cases. But for so many of them all it really took was someone not completely disregarding them and their opinions to begin to show who was behind the front they put up.

One of these guys was D. D was not one of my cases but spent a considerable amount of time in my office. He was frequently suspended from school and was constantly changing foster homes so he was at the office a lot in-between these "transitions".

One of these days at the office he brought me in a poem that he had written for his girlfriend at school. And i was amazed. Who knew that behind all of the toughness (that eventually landed his butt in jail) was a creative poet. Different type of poetry than i'm used to of course, but still...i had no idea he had this in him. And so it's only fair that i share it with the world. Because friends, this is a fine piece of work.

Not a Quarter or a Dime but a (Nicole)

i dnt want all d's other quarters, dimes, and bankrolls

all i want is my one special (nicole)

without my nicole i feel so retarded

i might be tha fancy car but u tha keys dat get it started

see im da class clown dummy and u da smart, patient teacher

im da everyday sinner but u my sunday school preacher

if i wuz on fire u'd be da water dat puts me out

if my life wuz like crooked teeth u'd be da braces that straightens me out

but ill help u 2, when u feelng down i come takeaway the pain

if its stormy outside im ya umbrella dat protects u from da rain

im yo bodyguard dat protects u from d's chumps

im da proactive dat gets rid of your bumps

im ya peroxide dat heals all your cuts and sores

im ya armor dat protects u when u goin 2 wars

ur like a diamond inda dirt dat aint been found

ur like da queen of da world but aint been crown'd

ur like a unicorn, u cant be caught

ur like a special artifact that cant be bought

ur like an antique that can neva be sold

cause all da money in da world wont add up 2 one (Nicole)

Unfailing Love

2009-03-23T23:21:00.007-05:00

I'm in a dry spell.

In life. In my walk with God. Just in general.

I know that we are all bound to go through times like this from time to time. But when i don't feel as connected to God as i am used to i turn into...well...a jerk.

I know that when i have a hard time understanding God's love for me it is extremely hard for me to love other people. And i snap at friends...and i have a hard time with compassion...and i get angered easily.

The amazing thing about Him is that even when i don't feel worthy to be in His presence...when i run out of patience with His children and don't even come close to treating them the way that He calls us to...when it's easier for me to crawl into bed in the middle of the afternoon and take a nap then to spend some time with my Maker...despite all of this He still tries to show me daily His love for me. I don't deserve that kind of love. But still He lavishes me with it.

So He is still speaking to me...and I to Him...

But something is still amiss.

I know that it is in these times that He shows Himself most...I just need to hang onto that truth.

Until then, this will be my prayer..."Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days"-Psalm 90:14

Rainy Days and Cobwebs

2009-03-21T13:40:00.007-05:00

Rainy Saturdays are my favorite.

I did have a wonderfully busy day planned of breakfast with my roomie, outreach with Elevation, shooting hoops with my girl Callie (by the way...it's a rare rare day that i play basketball. but lately i have had such a desire too for some reason), and then attending the wedding of an old friend of mine with a good friend of mine.

However, the rain struck. Which definitely disrupted my plans. But the good thing about a rainy day is that it forces you to slow down. Which i love to do :)

So...breakfast with my roomie stuck...and i'll still attend the wedding...but inbetween turned into a day spent at the brewery with some amazing people while the rain fell beautifully outside.

Lazy days with my friends are amazing. We usually sit around doing our own thing and randomly discussing things we happen upon whether it be in books or online. Today we've sat around with our feet propped up, each on our mac's taking personality tests and discussing our personality types and communication styles. Callie's taken hers about fifteen times because she doesn't agree with the outcome and Katy researched every persons style and told them who they were.

It was beautiful.

I've needed this day of rejuvenation. According to my personality type (ENFJ...or SIDC if you're going by the disc test) i am enlivened by interactions with others. And while i've had plenty of interactions lately, what i've needed is today. Slow conversation with some of my closest friends about important and not so important topics. Today has slowly swept my mind of the cobwebs that embed themselves inbetween these reviving type of days.

So, thanks to my friends.

And God for the weather.

Still Not Back...

2009-03-19T23:03:00.003-05:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately...

Maybe i'll actually do some writing about it eventually.

But in the meantime, i read this post by Perry Noble today and thought it was magnificent, so be sure you go check it out.

This guy seriously makes me feel like even more of a blog underachiever. Because not only is he running a truly great, huge church with multiple campuses, but the man can seriously churn out like 5 great blogs a day.

Me? I barely work 40 hours a week and for some reason cannot stay awake anytime i'm at home.

And the blogging? It's all but stopped. Something i'm going to eventually remedy.

Eventually.

In the meantime i'll just keep linking you to other great bloggers :)

Enjoy!

The Tale of the Slothful Blogger

2009-03-15T23:12:00.006-05:00

I feel like such a blog underachiever.

However i have been to mentally exhausted to even think about posting a decent blog lately.

And just so you know...this is not going to be a decent blog. Hopefully that is coming tomorrow.

But i am so tired of my blog being evidence of my slothful blogging habits, so i feel i need to post something...anything...

Okay, who is officially tired of the word blog?

Moving on...

(I told you...mental exhaustion)

I've had a very fun packed, very full weekend. But instead of telling you about it, i'm just going to link you to a couple of people that will do it for me.

Friday night

Saturday night

Every other waking minute this weekend (and some unwakened minutes as well)

I know, you're so excited. Control your enthusiasm please.

Also on a completely random side note...the one thing i feel like i can pride myself on in life is my taste in music. Aside from my proclivity towards some cheesy pop music at times, i'm pretty good at finding new music that's pretty amazing. And that almost never includes hip hop/r&b music.

Until this weekend.

And for some reason i have been obsessed with two songs the past couple of days. T.I.'s "Dead and Gone". And Neyo's "Mad".

CANNOT get enough of them.

I'm scared about what's happening to me...

Hope, Promises and the Bachelor

2009-03-06T22:55:00.003-06:00

Okay, first and foremost...The Bachelor.

WHAT THE HECK??? I hardly have words. Except that i do. And they are not pretty. For some reason the words stupid, ridiculous, jerk face butt munch hole come to mind.

And ABC, you're not without fault for this fiasco they called the Bachelor finale.

Disgusting...

Anyways, i swore off ever watching the Bachelor again. But i guess we'll see next season if my oath holds any validity. In the meantime i promise not to spend an obscene amount of time being mad at a television show again. At least, i hope.

Okay, seriously though...i'm really moving onto more serious matters now.

I woke up this morning questioning everything about where i am in life right now. Sounds about right since i wrote the other day about finally feeling a sense of purpose in my life. But of course, that doubt began to seep back in slowly and my thoughts this morning were along the lines of "is this really what im supposed to be doing right now? Am i moving backwards in life and in my dreams? What am i accomplishing in life right now?" These thoughts made their rounds through my mind and thoughts until i could feel the disappointment in myself deep down in my bones.

And then, in typical fashion, God blew His life back into me.

In my bible study I was studying Joseph today. I was reminded that Joseph was betrayed by his brothers and suffered numerous other injustices on top of that. Yet through it all he held firm to the promise that God had spoken to him. Even when he was sold into slavery. Even when he was thrown into jail for being an honorable man. Even when a promise was broken by a fellow inmate that would have brought about his release. He held fast to God's dream for him.

I had all of those circumstances of his running through my head and then i was reminded about how Genesis ends. Joseph is reunited and reconciled with his brothers. He is second in the nation only to Pharaoh himself. His father Jacob is able to speak a special blessing over Joseph's sons. Everything was made right. God's promises were fulfilled far better than if Joseph had taken them into his own hands.

And i felt that hope begin to well up again within me. I know that God has spoken several promises to me. I know that He called me out of my old job. I know that i'm doing what i'm supposed to be doing right now. Even when from the outside it may look like i have no idea what i'm doing with my life...actually, that may be true. But the thing is, God does. And i have faith in Him. Even if it slips from time to time...I believe in His goodness. In His sovereignty. In His love for me. And i don't really need to believe in anything else.

He is good...that's all that matters.

To close, i will leave you with a quote from Beth that especially moved my heart this week. It's about Jacob leaning on his staff to worship God as he was blessing Joseph's sons right before he was about to die.

"Something about picturing the worship of the old man just before he died is precious...Few things could be more priceless than a generational heritage of worship."

Amen Beth...Amen.

Totally Shallow Blog Alert

2009-03-03T14:23:00.004-06:00

Don't judge me about what i'm about to blog about. Well, i might judge you if you don't judge me, so if you feel so inclined you can go right on ahead and judge me...because i'm about to be totally girly AND a little ridiculous.

I am in love with the Bachelor. I understand that the concept of the show is just downright stupid. And i do realize that of the like 500 seasons they've had of it, only one couple has actually gotten married. And only one other couple is actually still together, although they get in violent fights and she gets arrested for domestic abuse...so if you want to call that relationship a success you go on right ahead. But i won't be there with you on that one.

So obviously this "reality show" isn't the most realistic thing out there. But lets face it. I don't watch it because i feel it reflects my every day life or even the life i wish i had. Noooo ma'am. You can keep all that drama.

BUT...I do like to watch it.

And i didn't get home until late last night and then had to be back at work at 5:45 this morning (you can take a moment to throw up at the absurdity of that hour if you'd like. i can wait.)

So, i haven't gotten a chance to watch last nights MOST DRAMATIC FINALE EVER. And i'm scared out of my mind that somebody is going to try to talk to me about it assuming that i already know what happened. So i've been EXTREMELY careful in my conversations today. I just got home from work and am going to have to head up to the Brewery in a little while, so i don't have time to watch this two hour long event before i leave. I do however have time to read some of my favorite blogs. And after the first two i had to stop reading because I saw the word Bachelor...so now i'm done reading blogs. But not before i saw the words "poor Melissa" written across one of them. And while i should probably assume that means she did not get a proposal, i'm just going to believe that it really meant "poor Melissa will probably never have the friendship she'd like with Molly because Jason picked her." Because, obviously, I want Melissa to "win".

And if that last sentence doesn't prove to you how absurd this show is, i don't know what will. Except maybe the girl a few seasons ago that told the bachelor on the night that she met him that her ovaries were rotting and so he should pick her.

Okay, commence judging. But it won't stop me from immersing myself in this two hour drama-fest when i get home tonight.

I can't wait.

Some Words of Wisdom from Ol' Chuck

2009-02-28T13:40:00.004-06:00

"Low tide...how painful yet how essential. Without it the changing ocean becomes a predictable boring body of water with no mysterious marriage to the moon, lacking its romantic magnetic appeal. Without it there would be no need for Elishas to minister to anguished Elijahs...no need for visionaries to fall in dependance on their faces before God...no need for the valiant to be reminded of their source of strength.
Is that all...is that all there is to low tides?

No, there is more, much more.
Most of which can never be described...only discovered."

-Charles Swindol

He is Making Himself Known

2009-02-26T22:25:00.008-06:00

Tonight has been a good night and i feel so lucky to be where i am in life. Not only did Kris make it into the top 12 (and finally, FINALLY i stopped jumping up and down) but i had a good/refreshing time with some friends at dinner afterwards and then, praise the Lord most high...He sent me my storm that i've been craving for so long.

As i type i am sitting on my back porch in my favorite red camping chair watching the lightening, listening to the rain fall and the thunder rumble, and breathing in deep that delicious smell that only makes its self known during these wonderful storms.
It's been that slow building type of storm...the very best kind. That starts as a flicker of light across the sky and slowly builds in rumbles and wind gusts and the steady slow start to rain.
My Maker certainly knows how to pursue me :)

It's so good to know that throughout all the uncertainties that this past year has held, that I really am exactly where i feel i'm supposed to be. And that even when nothing in my life felt stable or that dependable...that never, not once, was i ever deserted or abandoned by my God. It's been a while since i've felt this purposed in life, and it's a wonderful feeling. To be able to look and see that just by trusting my Father that He has placed me in several different places where i know, without a shadow of a doubt, that i am SUPPOSED to be there.

Rain and storms always make me reflective and dreamy...it's one of the reasons i love them so much. So that is what i'm off to do now...reflect and dream.

And then sleep the deep peaceful sleep of a person that does not have to wake up at 5 am tomorrow morning. Even if that was my only reason to praise Him, i most certainly would for that!

Love.

Kris Allen for Idol Just May Kill Me...

2009-02-26T16:10:00.009-06:00

I keep trying to come up with a deep meaningful post for today that will forever change the face of blogs as we know them.
But all i can think about is whether or not Kris is going to make it through tonight on American Idol. I seriously did not think i would be this emotionally invested in his success.
My thumbs tell the true tale though, seeing as i now have carpal tunnel in my hands from all the texts i sent last night to 5706.

Lets see if i ever forget that number.
Or how weird the word "vote" started to look once i got into the second hour of voting.

DO IT!!!

2009-02-20T14:21:00.008-06:00

I know my friends that regularly read my blog as well as others in Conway will heave a giant sigh when they read this post. BUT through the miracles of sitemeter i have noticed that there are several people that venture onto my blog now and then from other realms of the world. And if this post can reach anyone of them I will count my goal today as reached! So here it is...another plug for...

Kris Allen for the next American Idol!

He'll be performing this week on Idol, so do your duty as an American and vote him on in to the top 12! He will not let you down :)

I'm including a video of him performing Somewhere Over the Rainbow at church last mothers day. Just a little sample of what's to come :) Also, i should warn you...video is a loose term for this...more like a slideshow to his voice. But nonetheless, it's his voice. ENJOY!

Holly Jolly Honea

2009-02-16T14:29:00.004-06:00

Twelve years ago this past December my parents loaded my sister and brother and i into the car early one saturday morning to go get breakfast. I assumed it was an amazing restaurant we were going to because it took about two and a half hours to get there. When we finally pulled up we got out at McDonalds and i was thoroughly confused. But, being the completely naive/gullible girl that i always have been, i didn't read that much more into it.

After breakfast we drove a little further and eventually pulled into the driveway of a house i had never been to before. As we were getting out my parents exclaimed "Merry Christmas!" and explained to us that our Christmas present this year was a new puppy!

After meeting several basset hound siblings we all were drawn to one in particular and it was an easy decision to make about who the new member of the Honea family would be. In remembrance of the Christmas present that she was, we named her Holly.

Holly Jolly Honea.

This past Thursday i drove home to Bryant to tell Holly goodbye. She ended up getting sick early last week and the vet did not give her very good odds. So my mom called us all up and told us we probably wanted to come soon to see Holly before it was too late. It was one of the saddest things i've ever had to do.

I've never considered myself a huge animal lover. I don't dislike animals at all, but my family is the biggest group of animal lovers i've ever seen...so in comparison to them i just have never even come close to their level of love/obsession. But Holly's different. Holly could turn the most coldhearted person into a best friend. All she had to do was look up at you with her dark soulful eyes and you would always love her.

I've cried more tears this past week than i ever thought i would about an animal. But Holly was so much more than just an animal. She was a member of the family. And even in her weakened state she still did everything she could to show her love to her family when we were around.

My mom called me late last night to let me know that Holly was gone. And as sad as i am that she has gone it was still an answer to the prayer that we've been praying all week. That God would take her peacefully at home and spare us the pain of having to put her down and her the pain of having to leave the house. So i am thankful for that.

So Holly, this post is for you. I will miss your deep bellowing bark...the way you were the first one to always greet me when i came home...how much you loved to dance with us WHENEVER we wanted (which was a lot)...and the way you self(dog?)lessly loved your family. You will not be forgotten.

Holly Jolly Honea in her young party days

An Admission

2009-02-08T14:39:00.003-06:00

Fine...I concede.

I'm ready for spring.

I'm usually not one to give up so easily on winter. But these spring like temps the past few days have stirred up that hope and dreaming quality that spring ushers in, and i don't want to let them die. So, i'm ready to be done with you winter.

Bring it spring.

However, through the amazingness of the clouds in the sky last night i caught a glimpse of a ring around the moon.

Could we be having more snow???

It's about 70 degrees right now. So going by Arkansas' track record over the past month, chances are we will have a blizzard tomorrow.

Just when i'd given up hope.

I'm a follower...

2009-02-05T16:43:00.010-06:00

I have been tagged about 1,765 times on facebook over the past couple of weeks in friends 25 random facts about myself. Since right now i am an elitist and "so over facebook" for the time being (it's all about the blog baby!) i've decided to post my list on here. And while i did think twice about doing it because i feel a little self centered in doing so and don't want to come across as the girl that always talks about herself...sometimes a girl just DOES want to talk about herself, so here goes.

No, wait. FIRST major props to my bro who helped me get rid of the annoying ad that was on my blog and helped me create my own that is simple and classy...but still has a tree in it! So, Chris Honea, if you ever read this...THANK YOU!!!!

Okay, NOW here we go...

1. I have horrible tire blow out paranoia. In fact I have several designated stops on my route from Conway to Little Rock that i stop at frequently to check my tires because i'm sure that one of them is flat and it is going to explode and i will wreck my car and die.

2. I am an amazing researcher. In fourth grade i won muchos prizes for being the quickest student to look up words in the dictionary during drills. My love for research has continued on and while i hope that it will one day land me an amazing job at the CIA, I also know that i would make one heck of a stalker.

3. To me, regular marshmallows = lots of calories. Roasted marshmallows = 0 calories and LOTS of nutrients.

4. I am not allowed to EVER buy lucky charms, sour cream and onion chips with ridges, or powdered donuts because each box/bag will effectively be gone in under one 24 hour period.

5. I spent two summers in Boulder, Colorado and i am not sure that there is any place that i love more...although i'm fairly positive that i will never move there.

6. When i was little i came to my mom highly upset because i wanted to be a singer when i grew up and just knew that i wouldn't be one because i wasn't black, and all the good singers were black.

7. I have been obsessed with Hillsong and Darlene Zschech for the past 13 years. Seriously. I've been obsessed with Beth Moore for almost that long. I've always wanted to be a mix between those two amazing women.

8. I hate being a copy cat. I almost didn't do this list because my girl Callie beat me to it on her blog. But i'd already begun an didn't want to stop :)

9. Me and my brother were probably the coolest kids you would ever meet. I mean that literally. By the time my sister was born Chris and i were already 5 and 7 and Elissa ended up being one of the quirkiest kids you would ever meet. However, she ended up being one of the coolest people i have ever known.

10. I realized the other day that that day i looked exactly like "kid becca" had always thought i would as "grown up becca". Giant sweatshirt and bangs. I watched a lot of Saved by the Bell.

11. I am probably the most accident prone person you've ever met. If you don't believe me just ask me sometime the story of the three concussions within the span of a year and a half (none of which were technically my fault).

12. I believe that there is nothing better than a day with nothing to do but drink coffee and read.

13. I have two life dreams which may or may not ever come true. The first one is to have the ability to teleport. I can not tell you how many different times and ways i have tried this. But i believe it can be done.

14. Once i actually believed that i teleported from the Maumelle exit to the Conway exit and was thoroughly freaked out. It's a pretty great story. Maybe i'll tell you that one someday as well.

15. My other life dream is for my life to be a musical. People singing and dancing in perfect harmony and sync with each other as they walk down the street. Mix that with teleporting and i would probably explode with excitement.

16. I am a huge people watcher. I could go anywhere and be perfectly content just sitting and watching. Especially airports.

17. I mentioned airports in the previous number like i've actually flown. I never have. But i DO have lots of friends that do frequently though...thus plenty of ppl watching airport exposure :)

18. I love celebrity gossip. Which is weird because i'm not a dramatic person. Well, not in the celebrity gossip sense of the word drama.

20. If i could learn every language on the planet i would be one happy muchacha. But the ones i would give anything to know fluently would be Spanish and Arabic.

21. I've known how to play the piano my entire life but am by no means amazing at it.

22. I minored in history in college because i absolutely love history. Trouble is, i have an awful memory and therefore don't remember any of it.

23. I am a major rule follower. Most of the time. There are several times that certain friends of mine try to break me of that...and they've succeeded several times.

24. I gave up my grown up job in October that had pretty decent amounts of money involved to work part time jobs that don't pay nearly as much. I'm much happier this way.

25.If i had had my way, I would have majored in about fifteen different areas in college. I love school and i LOVE to learn. In fact, i almost changed my major senior year to art history. What in the world would i have done with that degree? Probably what i'm doing with my psych one...nothing.

And one for good luck.

26. I got early morning detention in 7th grade because my English teacher overheard me saying that something "sucked". I still get nervous every time i use that word and consequently don't say it that much.

Updates

2009-01-30T11:00:00.004-06:00

Well, there are lots of changes going on in my life right now. First and foremost of my concerns about these changes...i changed the layout to my blog and for the life of me cannot figure out how to get they "pyzam" ad off of it. You would not believe how much time i have spent editing html codes trying to figure out how to do it right. But for some reason that annoying symbol in the middle of my page and that awful orange bar at the top just will not go away. I've prided myself before on being able to figure out how to do that all on my own...but this one is just too much. I'm about to call in the big guns (Scott, if you are reading this, that means you probably.)

ALSO on the list of oh so significant changes to my life...i added word verification to my comments. Why, you ask? Well, for the sole reason that i LOVE the words i have to type into my other friends blogs. Lame? Maybe. But seriously, i think i'm going to start a list of the amazing words i've had to type in and then arrange them into some type of freaky song. "Ingeme, nurfetr, ganami, obbet, flert"...these are just a few examples of the gems that blogspot word verification has to offer. And although sometimes it takes me two or three (or four or five) times to get it right when typing it in, i still laugh everytime.

So, you are welcome for the unending delight i've given to you every time all two of you comment on my blog.

I am also proud to announce that after three months of fun packed, sleeping in late, ridiculous amounts of time at the brewery spent, even more smores eaten past midnight "vacation", yours truly has finally landed herself a paying gig. Also known as a job. Actually three jobs. (When God provides, He most certainly provides)

SO on monday tuesday and wednesday mornings i'll be working at a spinal care clinic. And most importantly, I get to wear scrubs! (one of my actual job requirements while looking for a job. Seriously. I've always wanted to wear them!)

Several other times a week, guess where you can find me. You probably don't need more than once guess. That's right, all the time spent at the Brewery has finally paid off and lovely little Stacy will now pay me to be there a few nights a week!

And in whatever spare time i have left over i am also working as an assistant to one of my bosses who is also doing real estate. SO...very very busy...very very important. (right...)

Dear having nothing to do,

You have been very very good to me. I've enjoyed our time together immensely. But i've finally gotten to the point where i have to choose between coffee and food, and i know that i would choose coffee. So, in order to survive, i have to say goodbye to you and start making money again. I hope one day we can be reunited, but until then at least we will have good memories. Please don't forget about me. I DO love you.

Sincerely,

Rebecca

My Love Affair

2009-01-28T23:09:00.010-06:00

Looking over the past couple of posts, and then experiencing the almost winter storm that was more anticipation than actual storm over the past couple of days, i can't believe that there could be any other part of the country that experiences the changes that arkansas faces during the winter.

(due to my limited knowledge of the climate of other cities, this is just a thought and in now way an actual fact)

but seriously, snow....a day almost in the seventies that allows me to open up all my windows AND have the ceiling fan on...and then a "winter storm" with temps constantly in the upper 20's/low 30's. All within a ten day span?

That's just flat ridiculous.

But i'm not complaining...it helps keep the "winter blues" away when spring days are thrown into the mix. Plus it actually helps add the "freak" to "freak weather" which lets face it, is the best kind of weather.

In case you cannot tell, my love of weather can tend towards obsessive. The Weather Channel is in fact my very favorite channel on tv (and the most frequented website on my computer), i have a favorite meteorologist (shout out to Jorma Doran!!!), and my good friend Audra bought me a great little gift a couple of years ago for my birthday...my very own weather channel tee, right straight from the weather channel website!

Whenever a storm is rolling into town i will know about it as far in advance as they can tell you...and you can count on me being outside watching it roll in. my love of thunderstorms is rivaled only by my love for the relaxing sound of rain which really may not even count because you could call them one and the same. however I do not.

I have the hardest time ever deciding on my favorite season. I go through a cycle of re-weighing my pro/con lists for each season and then declaring a new one a victor...this usually happens each time a new season rolls in. But as soon as i decide on a new favorite, I automatically feel guilty for deserting the other seasons that have given me so much joy and do not deserve to be disregarded so quickly. And then i just go back to the position of not having a favorite. It's a hard vicious cycle that I'm not sure will ever quit.

i'm not sure why this is, but for some reason storms make me feel alive inside. The more severe the storm, the more alive i feel. I can't really explain why this is very well. I've been thinking about my favorite type of storms a lot recently what with spring being so close. And spring does in fact provide the absolute best storms ever, not to mention my favorite weather in the world...tornado weather! (while i do love the storms tornadoes produce i do not actually like the death and destruction. This has been a point of concern several times and i do not wish to offend anyone who has experienced loss due to a tornado)

Because spring does provide my very favorite type of storms this has compelled me to declare it my favorite season several times. But i've almost automatically had to withdraw my declaration due to my minds immediate reminder of the marvelous pro's the other seasons do in fact offer.

I tried once to capture my feelings as a storm was rolling in, and while it does not completely explain why, it does explain it a little bit. So, here is a caption from my journal on March 30, 2006. Some of it is pretty cheesy and i thought about leaving it out...but let's face it friends, sometimes i myself can be pretty dagum cheesy...and i don't want to misrepresent myself. So here is the unedited:)

I love the uncertainty of the weather before a storm.

The struggle between light and dark

My mood shifts with the wind

And the smell of impending rain sends my dreams into overdrive.

The coming storms means that tonight, anything can happen and it will be appropriate.

Love, tragedy, drama and insightfulness all ride in on the darkening clouds.

The unstable atmosphere is my future, uncertain and bound to change and be shown momentarily.

Spring Cleaning...In January???

2009-01-22T22:48:00.008-06:00

Today was one of those beautiful spring days where you can open all the windows in your home and totally inspires you to clean and organize and really get on track with life.

Except that it's January. And it should totally be snowing.

On the upside, i do have a really clean house now.

On one of my many trips through the garage to the giant trash can outside (i found a LOT to throw away today) i caught a glimpse of a stack of boxes that have been sitting inside my garage since....well, probably since we moved in in May.

When we moved in i originally had the idea to have a garage sale for some of my belongings...and for the rest of it that i didn't have use for but couldn't bring myself to part with i had the brilliant idea of having one of my bodybuilder type guy friends haul it up to the attic for me.

but, since i don't have any bodybuilder type guy friends, everything has continued to sit along the edges of our garage for the past 8 months.

That didn't bother me at first because i really and truly believed i was going to eventually solve that problem. But lately everytime i find myself in the garage and notice everything still on the perimeters of my parking area, i get this sinking feeling followed by a moment of fear which i try to rapidly squelch by thinking about something else (something i've noticed that i do a lot...which is an ENTIRELY different post).

The reason for the fear you ask? Could it be a fear of this junk eventually taking over my life and suffocating me to death? Could it be that people see this priceless junk in my garage when i pull my car in and plan ways to kill me in my sleep to make off with an old washing machine and a couple of awesome rugs?

No...It's a fear that snakes have taken up residence within my boxed up belongings.

Because, friends, i have an ENORMOUS fear of snakes.

You may say that it is completely irrational for snakes to live in my garage...and i couldn't tell you if that is true or not because i'm to scared to look it up...but i promise, when i stand really still in my garage I HEAR THINGS MOVE. and then i run like a scared little sissy girl inside.

Every single time i get out of my car these days i think "man, i've really got to get this garage organized before the snakes get out of hand." But everytime i think about it, the fear kicks in...and then the afore mentioned squelching and running.

But today was different. Today was a freak spring cleaning day in January. Which may be the best kind, because before i knew it i was tackling a stack of enormous boxes that i have been eyeing with fear.

Apparently freak spring days in January hold some kind of special power...

Now, part of me really wishes that you guys could see the way in which i took care of those boxes. But then a bigger part of me is so very glad that's not possible and the only people who will fully know what i looked like are the neighbors that drove by and undoubtedly laughed to themselves.

What i was dealing with was one enormous box that a tv came in, filled with several other boxes inside...the ideal hiding place for a snake, right?

So little 'ol me took that box by the very corner with my index finger and thumb only (and pinky finger raised in prissy disgust) and quickly dragged it to our recycling can on the side of the house and promptly throw that thing in there.

But this thing was huge and really just sat there on top of the opening, refusing the lid to close.

I stepped back and thought a minute about just leaving it like that and hoping the garbage men would have no problem with that. I turned around and started to walk inside, but then i remembered how often our trash cans have been blown over lately and the idea of chasing snake infested boxes down the road just didn't sound like a whole ton of fun. Better to get it over with...

So i pushed really hard with all of my might on the outside of the box while it was still in the trash bin hoping to crush it...knowing that it was literally impossible, but also praying for a miracle...

didn't work.

so i took it and threw it on the ground....and jumped back REALLY fast. after giving any snakes that were going to slither out ample to time to do so, i ran and jumped on top of the box, hoping again that i would crush the boxes and be done with it.

but i landed on top and those things didn't budge.

so ever so slowly...and ever so prissily...i took each box out and flattened it before throwing back in the recycling bin. this took a while, because each time i bent down to touch the boxes i had to throughly examine where i was touching...and then each time i made the slightest movement within the boxes i jumped back and waited on the snake attack.

so what should have taken two or three minutes took me more like fifteen.

and zero snake bites but several spider encounters later, i was done...just like that. and man, you wouldn't believe the sense of accomplishment i felt. i sassily slapped my hands together to rid them of any unwelcome dirt i obtained while doing my awesome breaking down of boxes and pranced inside.

i considered going back outside to take a picture and show you this normal everyday but highly significant accomplishment in my life...but am scared that when i open the lid snakes will have materialized in my absence. So trust me, that is one mega packed recycling bin.

Just another day of facing a fear head on. My heart was literally pounding with fear several times...but there's nothing like that feeling you get when you've faced one of your fears (however irrational it may be) and lived to tell the story.

Anything Can Happen...

2009-01-15T11:10:00.003-06:00

As i write this i am sitting next to the fire in my fireplace, drinking a cup of coffee and gazing out at the falling snow. That's right people, snow. Not ice. I think i had forgotten how beautiful real snow actually is. I keep sneaking out onto my back porch for little snippets of time and gazing in awe at the falling snow making criss cross patterns as it falls and bouncing softly upon the grass...begging God to make it stick, and then running inside because i can no longer handle the cold.

It's a beautiful thing, this snow. It's just another way that i am astounded at the Creator. I know there are so many ways to describe natural occurrences of the world...but honestly? I can swallow the concept of snow...but the beauty? The feeling that arises in me when i see it fall? The sound it makes when it lands gently upon already fallen snow? That can only be by the work of God.

I've got heaps and heaps of commitments to fulfill today (surprisingly), yet all i want to do is coop up in my house and read next to the window and the fire with my coffee and several good books.

We'll see what happens i guess. I mean, it is still the week of Santa Ana winds...Anything can happen.

The Week of Santa Ana Winds...

2009-01-12T14:49:00.009-06:00

This is one of my favorite weeks of the year. This is the week that my beloved church partakes of an annual corporate week long fast to bring in the new year. I love my church...i love the leadership, the people, the worship, the teaching...i love the way my church loves. And i am so blessed to be a part of a church that while remaining culturally relevant does not deny the importance of biblical teachings that sometimes can be somewhat unpopular...like fasting.

Truthfully, in the past, I've always avoided fasts if at all possible. In fact i can remember several times when those around me would find a need to fast...and i would just avoid people for the following set amount of time so that they wouldn't know how spiritually depleted i felt that i was. Because if there is something i hate giving up, it is definitely food :)

But over the past year i've begun to fall in love with this discipline. About this time last year i really started learning about the importance of it...and why it can be such a power in our lives. And as i began to exercise it, i discovered that i really and truly loved it!

It's not necessarily the giving up food part that i loved (obviously) but that i began to actually find out what the bible is talking about when it says that "His power is made perfect in our weakness" Because it turns out that when we come to the end of ourselves, that it is usually there that we discover God's all-sufficiency. And guys, i definitely am a better person when i am made weak and He is made strong. Less of me is always a good thing :)

A friend and I were talking about this fast over a cup of coffee at the Brewery [i obviously did not give up caffeine this week :) ] and we began to discuss the things that we were desperate to see God do this week. The things that we are having trouble believing Him for, but are SO needing His hand on. The things within us that we are longing for Him to change in us. And as we shared with each other the ways in which we were desperate to see God move this week you could almost feel a certain hope rise up at the table. Because we've both seen the power of fasting. The power of being made weak so that He can be made strong. And it's like we both began to sense that huge things could be set in motion this week...and that it was really okay to believe Him for really really big things.

One of my favorite movies is The Holiday. I'm not sure what it is about this movie that has caused so many to love it so much...i myself saw it in the theater an astounding four times before it was released on dvd...not to mention the countless times i've watched it sense then. Ridiculous, i know. But still true.

Part of this movie takes place in L.A. over Christmas. And during this time Jack Black's character talks about the Santa Ana winds several times. He mentions once that legend has it that when these winds blow that anything can happen...all bets are off.

And that is how i feel about this week. I know that God responds to our desperate cries to Him. And i genuinely feel that not only am i at a pivotal moment in my life where i am needing God to intervene/direct on my behalf, but also that He is wanting to do some incredible things throughout the earth. And hopefully these two things will be intertwined because i yearn to be used by Him throughout the world...to do big things for His name..to tell people about His glory...to see them set free...to show them the love that He's so graciously lavished upon me.

And why not start that this week? The week of the Santa Ana Winds...anything can happen.

Not Ready Yet

2009-01-06T16:43:00.002-06:00

The other night we had anytime worship at abe's apartment. Which, for those poor unfortunate souls (you have little mermaid songs in your head now, don't you?) who have never been to anytime worship, it is basically a spontaneous night of worship where we are able to go and worship, or read and journal, or pray, or just sit in the presence of God...it's completely laid back and i love it.

Before we started with worship that night, several of us were sitting in the living room conversing and waiting to begin. I don't remember what prompted him to say this but at one point before we began abe pointed to a door off to the side of the living room that i had not noticed before and said "don't go in there yet. it's not ready".

As soon as he said this everything in me wanted to go into the forbidden room. That's so stupid, i thought. It's just messy because he hasn't gotten it completely put together yet.

I almost got my butt of the couch and marched right in there to show him that "who cares if its ready. I know it doesn't matter...i'll just show him."

But i refrained. A little while later as we were about to begin worship for the night abe told us that as we were worshipping throughout the night that he wanted us each to make our way into this previously forbidden room. He told us a few details about what he wanted us to do once in there, but mainly said that we would understand when we got in there.

The night progressed with particularly great worship...you could sense the presence of God and there were several times that i just wanted to throw myself down on the ground before Him. (i did restrain myself though:) )

Finally i decided it was time to discover the secret of the room. Once i entered i was blown away. I saw this fantastic painting that a friend of abe's had painted on his wall that afternoon. Unfortunately i don't have a picture, but painted on the wall were a giant pair of hands holding out a heart, with the words "we are love" painted around it. The instructions we were given were to write something about love within the heart. It ended up looking pretty amazing in the end. My stellar visual imagery skills just don't do it justice i'm afraid. But it definitely added to the worship experience for the night.

As i headed out of the room and back to my spot on the carpet alongside my trusty bible and favorite anthropologie journal (the only thing i can afford from the place that i love so much) i began thinking about my initial reaction to abe's request of the room. I was SO glad that i had not marched in there thinking i knew best and ruined the way that it was supposed to happen. Not only would i have most likely upset or disappointed abe who had prepared for it to happen a certain way, but by taking matters into my own hands i would not have been able to experience it the way i was made to experience it. I would have ruined it.

And that made me think about how often i try to do that with God.

So many times it seems like He says "not yet. you're not ready". But i'm always so eager to prove Him wrong. Always so eager to assure Him that i can handle it, no need to wait, and that he should just let me bust right on into that room to show Him.

But who am i kidding? HE IS GOD. And just to be real here friends, sometimes i forget that. Call me a girl...heck, call me American if you like ( i mean, they are both true) but sometimes i really am prone to think that my way is probably better than the creator of the universe.

So often my faith wavers and i think that it's totally necessary to take things into my own hands. But what happens when i think i know that i should do something that i KNOW God has said i'm not ready for yet? Not only do i disappoint my Father by ruining the surprise of what He is creating for me, so often i'll miss out on the joy of it...the actual part of it that God has created specifically for me to enjoy.

I pray that i wouldn't be the girl that is constantly trying to bust into the room that God has prepared for me. I want to be the girl that has unwavering faith, that when he tells me "not yet. it's not ready." that i actually believe him and delight that he is preparing something for me.

I'm not there yet...but oh how i long to be.

A Little Present For You

2009-01-05T18:45:00.004-06:00

I've been dry in the blog department the past couple of weeks it seems. I'm not sure why, but for some reason i'm having a hard time getting myself writing.

I am however, listening to the same playlist over and over again. It's my winter playlist, and i must brag for a minute and say...i did a dang good job on this mug. It's the perfect mix of melancholy and beauty...with a little bit of hope thrown in. and i love it. It very well compliments these overcast days that i love so much.

I may do a real blog a little later...who knows? But while i wait for the words to say in another post, i will leave you a little present...also known as my incredible taste in music :)

Never Think- Rob Pattinson (his voice romances me)

Cannonball- Damien Rice

Missing- Joel & Luke

Lost- Anouk

Death is the Road to Awe- The Fountain Soundtrack (absolutely hated the movie. LOVE the score)

Thieving-Lovedrug

Let Me Sign- Rob Pattinson

Burn the Maps- Castledoor

Love is a Fast Song- Copeland

Unintended- Muse

Closer to the Start Prelude-Fellowship Church

Searching Through the Skies- Fellowship Church (you must listen to these two in order :) )\

Samskeyti- Sigur Ros

Beauty Divine- Brandon Heath

Green Apples- Chantal Kreviazuk

Broken Lullabies- Joel & Luke

Amie- Damien Rice

Augustine- Nevertheless

Vaka- Sigur Ros

Flightless Bird, American Mouth- Iron & Wine

Do yourself a favor and download these puppies. They will change your winter :)

Fear Who?

2009-01-03T00:09:00.004-06:00

i love new years...it makes me feel like i'm starting over with a clean slate on life. i'm a huge goal setter. some i keep...many i don't. but i LOVE to set goals. serious life goals, silly girly goals...it doesn't matter. I LOVE THEM!

i do however, abhor new years eve. i always feel like i'm supposed to have huge exciting plans. but lets face it, i've never had the truly magical new years that i've so longed for. they've all been anti climatic and disappointing. i've just learned to have really low expectations each year and maybe it won't be so bad. i HATE that approach on life...i think it's truly depressing, and i rarely apply to it to anything having to do with my life. however, until i discover a way to have a better new years it will have to do.

my main new years goal this year is scripture memory. i don't have a great memory which i've used as an excuse for a while as to why i can't memorize scripture very well. but the truth is...i YEARN to have his word written on my heart. i long to be able to recall his word to mind whenever i need/want it. and so i've decided, i'm just going to do it. i decided this the other day and not ten minutes later my girl beth posted a blog about scripture memory. so i've signed up to memorize a new scripture every other week with thousands of others on her blog. and friends....i am EXCITED.

my first scripture is hebrew 13:6.

so we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say 'the Lord is my Helper; I will not be seized with alarm. I will not fear or dread or be terrified. What can man do to me?'

Pretty appropriate to my life huh? I figure what better way to start my year than committing to memory and life a scripture that focuses on my overcoming fear....which if you haven't been reading along, is one of my huge focuses in life right now.

and it's coming along swimmingly friends.

God is good.

I Hate Critters

2008-12-30T00:04:00.006-06:00

Last night should have been a great night. It started off with some incredible prayer time with some seriously great friends...then led into a great time celebrating a great friends birthday with so many other people that i love and with some incredible food.

it was sunday night, and i don't work right now, and you may not know this about me...but that usually means midnight star gazing trip. so we loaded up the car with plenty of hoodies and good music and headed off into the night. petit jean mountain is not too long of a drive from my house, and there is this incredible spot away from the lights where the stars come alive. and the best part is the drive to this spot...i'm talking the trees have never looked so magical as they do in this spot at 1 am.

here's a little snippet of the gloriousness that was our view last night.

Now, you should know...this does not constitute a star gazing experience for you. I've pondered it and pondered it and i cannot figure out why this is...but there is something about lying under a blanket of stars that actually moves me inside. I can feel things shift, I feel closer to God, and i feel like he speaks more clearly when you are in awe of His beauty. This cannot be translated through a photo...there is nothing like it. But it is true nonetheless.

Several shooting stars and two entire sigur ros albums later we were headed home. Callie was playing a magical little list of songs from my ipod and Lydia had dozed off in the back seat when the night took an ominous turn. Cruising down the highway at a smooth 60 mph we were admiring the clouds that seemed to sit just right above the ground and the gorgeous haze that was covering the arkansas river. when out of nowhere came the bane of my existence.

Except he was bigger. A lot bigger. And I may receive a LOT of hate for saying this, but i hope that he was actually a she. Because i hope that her enormousness was due to the fact that she was pregnant and i killed her and all of her babies. Because that girlfriend definitely put 3 huge holes right in the front of my car.

The impact was loud of enough to wake Lydia from her slumber, but after immediate inspection (by sound only. we were on a dark country road at 2 am after all. i say no to creepy experiences) we assumed all was fine and we would check my car out for gross blood splatters when we got home. WELL, we forgot to look...and i completely forgot about that stupid raccoon. (except for not subconsciously, because i had an extremely weird dream that i think stemmed from her giant butt. i may post about that later...but maybe not. we'll see). Lydia and I remembered on the way to the Brewery because my car seemed to be making a weird noise, like the wind was actually going THROUGH my car. So when we got out we checked out the damage expecting MAYBE a small dent. Yeah, like you know already, 3 holes. Which sucks, but i could deal with. Since i'm not working i figured i'd just have to wait to pay for it to be fixed.

Until i was driving home from the Brewery. And i hit a normal everyday bump in the road.

And the front of my car fell off.

That freaking raccoon is wreaking havoc on my life even from the after life.

Just like a raccoon.

So i can't drive my car right now. And i'm having to believe God for either a) my car to heal itself overnight. or b) a free way to fix my tattered front end. It's amazing to me that it's so easy for me to believe for God to do huge enormous things for other people, but i have such a hard time believing for something much smaller for myself. So i covet your prayers right now...and for people to believe God to provide in a way that i'm having trouble doing myself. When i think about it, it seems like such a small deal...something that should not provide me loads of stress or thought. but i AM jobless, and poor right now...and it seems that's the time when things like this happen. It takes a lot to put me in a downtrodden mood, but that's exactly where i've existed for the second half of my day.

I'm asking God for brighter skies tomorrow.

Thanks friends.

Lucky Me

2008-12-28T21:53:00.005-06:00

Well...i have some of the funniest friends in the world. Trust me on this.

Jason blogged about how a physician in India started laughing clubs to help treat his patients symptoms. The laughter reduces stress and boosts immunity.

Well, i should be the healthiest person in the world because, friends...i laugh A LOT.

I'm linking you to a video of just a small sample of why there is so much laughter in my life.

It's just a little taste of what just pops up in convo from time to time. Nothing planned...

Do we know we're dorky? Probably not as aware of it as we should be.

But, still....lots and lots of laughter.

Videolink

The Hopes and Fears of All the Years...

2008-12-25T22:27:00.006-06:00

I've been in a bit of a blogging rut the past few days. Christmas was great, as was being home with my family. It just doesn't give me much time to be alone or digest my thoughts well enough to share them with others :)

However God has been speaking to me. Loud, strong words. Words i've needed to hear for a while now but have been pushing away from. But everyday i feel it...He's giving me that courage i've been asking for...a more fearless attitude. It's not perfect, but it's much stronger than it has been. And praise God for that, eh?

I had the privilege of going to Trans Siberian Orchestra last night thanks to a loving friend who knows how much i adore them. It was amazing. I sat there and watched some of the most talented musicians in the world, most of the time with my jaw on the floor, and all i could think was "God made them to do this". And i wonder how many of them even realize it. But then i got really excited because if God has made man able to make music like that, how amazing is that worship going to be in heaven? With songs and musical ability that we can't even ponder...and in the presence of our Lord no less! It baffles me a little.

And as i sat there and took it all in, i recognized this little place in me start to come alive again. A place i used to know so well, but i let fizzle out and die due to, you guessed it, fear. That desire to be a part of something huge and grand...something that provokes people to want to know their Maker more...something that is bigger than i could ever dream up or do on my own. Something that encompasses all the little and not so little desires and dreams and visions i've ever had for my life. There it was.

And i woke up this morning feeling A L I V E. Really alive...more alive than i've felt in a while.

It's about time i come back to life... Maybe next i'll even find a job :)

I'm Breathing Again

2008-12-21T15:03:00.005-06:00

I finally feel like i can breathe again.

It's been a tumultuous couple of months between me and Him.

Me feeling forgotten. Him not saying a whole lot.

At least that's how it felt. Now that i can back up a little and look at it somewhat objectively, it was more me getting mad at Him and not listening...so therefore not hearing anything He may have been saying.

But finally..FINALLY..i couldn't take the silence between us any longer.

It's ridiculous to me how my mind works sometimes. Because, seriously? The past two months have been a time when i have needed Him more than ever. But that fear thing that keeps coming up? It keeps paralyzing me. Not just in my actions and my thoughts, but actually deep in my heart.

I could feel it building for a few days...just this knowing that i wasn't going to be able to go much longer by just myself. And then finally, the dam of self reliance broke and Friday i hit the floor kicking and crying. And there i met Him again. And when i left that floor, i felt like a totally different person. Filled anew with hope, and actually feeling his presence deep within me...exactly where that fear had been residing.

It brings me to a new understanding of "for you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light"

God, that I may be able to walk in the Light and not in the darkness of fear.

Snowbirds and Townies

2008-12-17T23:27:00.008-06:00

There is something completely magical about snow days (or if you are in Arkansas, ice days). I haven't been able to completely put my finger on it, but something about the world just gets quieter. For me, snow brings out the longings in my heart. It makes me feel adventurous. It makes me dream. It calms and exhilarates me at the same time.

A good friend of mine works for a company that absolutely does not close for snow days. And as someone that possibly enjoys a good snow even more than myself, it is hard for me to believe that she can handle that at all. To me, snow = best day ever. And i just don't see how you have the best day ever stuck behind a desk...maybe it's just me.

After a long day of being cooped up in the house yesterday watching movies, chatting with friends, listening to music and taking naps next to the fire, Callie and I finally went stir crazy. After a monumentally fun time ice skating down my huge incline of a driveway with some other great friends, we finally took off on our own to make our own adventure. We decided to take a walk and enjoy the beautiful snow/ice in the night...the time when winter wonderlands truly come alive :)

Well, 5 miles and 3 hours later we finally returned from our walk. It was beautiful. We ran into other lovely friends on the way, witnessed a particularly great ice belly flop, walked down the most beautiful road AND the most beautiful walking trail...both decorated so differently by the fallen ice. We slid down hills in boxes, ice skated across roads, fell down so hard we have bruises today, and generally had a breathtakingly great time. I am truly going to miss my friend come January 13. She is my "adventure to find beauty" friend, and i don't know what i'll do without her.

As we crawled in the door from our 5 mile hike across the frozen tundra of Conway and threw our boots in front of the fire to dry off i thought back over the past couple of days. I have a truly great life here. Sure, i need a job/direction...blah blah blah. But outside of that, i have it made. I have great friends, an incredible church, a beautiful house that i love...

Lately i have been praying about moving. I don't necessarily have a desire to leave Conway. I absolutely love this place. But it just feels like something inside of me is shifting...and that possibly God is calling me to leave this place i've learned to call home. I don't know what will happen, but the past couple of days have really made me stop and take a look at what i would really be leaving.

We'll see, i guess :)

love.

A Winter's Tale

2008-12-16T02:49:00.006-06:00

As part of my trying to not live out of fear quest, i've been trying to do something everyday that scares me or completely takes me out of my normal comfort level. Today I did two! The first was to check my bank account...that was definately scary. And also didn't turn out too well. How do you forget about a $300 check???

The second...well i can honestly say i don't think i've EVER been so nervous about doing something in my life. I'm still nervous about it, and it's already done! I don't know how this thing i've done will turn out..the past couple of things i've done that have scared the crap out of me have been..well, lets just say "learning experiences". I have more hope with this one. Keep your fingers crossed and your prayers coming please :)

Inbetween my "life enhancing" experiences today i did in fact have a quite glorious day. It was a beautifully dreary "snow" day. And i spent it with good people and good food...two of my favorite things!

AND i finally got caught up with putting my pictures on the computer. So FINALLY, time for some GREAT pics including the cheesy sweater christmas party champion as well as callie's australian birthday party and my lovely day today.

Enjoy :)

Insomniac

2008-12-12T10:47:00.007-06:00

Lately due to my lack of a job, plethora of friends who socialize late at night and love for all things after 1am, my sleep schedule has been completely messed up. Normally, I would not mind this. In fact, most times I would welcome this.

However, since there are three mornings in a row where I am required to actually be up before noon, i thought that last night i would try to go to bed at a semi-respectable hour. I was actually home last night by 12:30 and intended to be in bed by about 1. That way by the time my alarm went off at 9...wa la! 8 hours of sleep.

Yeah...that didn't work.

I was actually IN bed by 1...but let myself read for a little while before trying to go to sleep. By about 1:30 i had all the lights off, ready for a good nights slumber.

Except that i couldn't quit tapping my foot. and drumming my fingers. and trying desperately to remember what happened in the middle of "return of the king". In other words, i was completely wired.

so i read some more. no sleep. i "surfed the web" for a bit. no sleep. i watched a missed episode of desperate housewives. no sleep.

finally, in desperation (it was after all 4:30 by this time. that's right 4:30! almost time for roomate to get up and go to work!) i googled "how to fall asleep" which took me to a website describing several different techniques to force yourself into slumber. Some of it was past being beneficial. Like the "3 hour famine". That wasn't going to work.

Play solitaire, breathing exercises, count as high as you can, imagine yourself sinking into a mattress.

And then i found it...my new favorite way to fall asleep EVER.

Think of Impossible Things

The website suggests imagining the most strange impossible things that you can. For examples they list purple twinkies or walking on the walls.

I got way more excited about this idea than any sane person should at 4:45am, so i quickly shut macintosh o'malley for the night to see if it would work. Probably the fact that i chose the "fun" option to fall asleep to should have warned me that this may not be the best method for me.

The first few minutes were spent giggling in the dark over what i was imagining. Scenario 1...i sprout wings, fly through the sky and finally land on a cloud where i have tea with the sun and we have a very deep philosophical discussion.

Scenario 2...i'm able to run really fast. road runner fast. I'm talking legs going in a circle and a dust cloud behind me. And as i run down the road the mailboxes cheer me on and tell me how wonderful i am.

Scenario 3...I'm walking down the road holding my boyfriends hand when all of a sudden he turns into a giant pickle. It's okay, i tell him i will still love him forever...

Somewhere in my pickled boyfriend situation i finally drift off to sleep.

And this game will forever be my favorite way to fall asleep.

And this may prove that i AM officially crazy.

Not a Rule Follower Tonight

2008-12-11T23:56:00.004-06:00

Tonight, for some reason, everything has been better standing up. I came into my kitchen for a late snack and decided to eat my cheese and crackers at the counter. something i never do because, well, i am a rule follower. and the rule is you eat at the table. and i've also amended the rule to mean the couch too. but rules are rules.

well, tonight i didn't want to be a rule follower.

counter it is.

so as i was eating my snack at the counter i tried to figure out what else i could do at the counter. hmmm...a glass of wine sounds good.

okay, cheese, crackers and wine at the counter.

except...where is that magazine i was reading earlier? add that to the mix.

so, as i'm standing at the counter enjoying my glass of wine, munching on my cheese and crackers and reading my magazine i come across this article:

"Blog for your health"

According to this article blogging helps your body in a number of ways.

1)Sounder Slumber...blogging about your feelings can bring on relaxation, which helps usher in sleep.

2) Improved Immunity...expressive writing may encourage growth of white blood cells, which fight off infection.

3) A Hardy Heart...writing about emotional topics may lower blood pressure and heart rate, keeping your ticker i better shape.

Score!

So now i am standing at my counter with my magazine,my cheese and wine, and blogging my little heart out.

Breaking my own rules and benefitting my body at the same time.

What a good night.

LOVE

2008-12-10T23:43:00.006-06:00

I have an absolutely wonderful group of friends. I've talked about them many times on here before, and will continue to as long as they are in my life. These are friends that i am able to laugh with until we cry...and now that i think about it cry with until we laugh. And there is something beautiful about having people in your life that when you are at your worst and can't even form complete sentences, much less coherent prayers, will come behind you and hold you up and pray exactly what you haven't been able to get at amongst your wallowing and somehow show you hope when all you've been able to see is darkness.

These are the kinds of friends i've been blessed with.

The other night a few of my closest were at my house and we were sitting around talking about nothing in particular...it was pretty late and most of our other friends had already gone home. There was one guy left there amidst about five of us girls, and out of nowhere he asked if he could talk to us about God. He went on to talk about where he was at right now on his spiritual walk, and where he has been.

He said this to us "I would give anything i could ever have to know God the way you guys know God and to love him the way you do. I need to know WHY you love him the way you love him"

As we sat and conversed about this I was struck by his last question. Why do i love God the way I love him?

Because he's worthy...because he's never failed me...because He loves me just as much when i'm being a complete jerk as he does when i'm living completely surrendered to him.

These answers were what came to my mind immediately. And while they are completely true, and I love God desperately for all of those reasons, for some reason they didn't seem...enough? They didn't even come close to touching the reason that I love Him so much.

And i've been turning this question over and over in my mind since that night. But i still haven't been able to really figure it out. Maybe because i know that my life would be a shadow of what it is now without him. Maybe because I've seen the healing works that his love has done to me and those i love. Maybe because I love that so much of him is such a mystery to me that i can trust that even when i can't comprehend his ways, i know that they are good.

I'm still not sure any of these come close to capturing my heart for him...and im definitely still processing this question. But could it be that we will never be able to fully understand, much less explain, this love thing we have going on with our Maker? I kind of hope that's it.

I'm a Poet and Didn't Know It

2008-12-10T00:40:00.002-06:00

My roomate came home today asking if I wrote poetry and posted it on the internet. Sadly i had to really rack my brain to make sure that i in fact, did not do this. Just to make sure. That's how bad my memory is :(

Anyways, here is a poem by Rebecca Honea...but not me. I was not aware that there was another one of me around. But, Rebecca, I appreciate you.

Somewhere

Somewhere along the horizon, way behond the sea,east of
Where the sun sets,west of where it will be, this is where
Ill wait for you, on some forgotton plaine,lost amongst your
Memory like a teardrop in the rain.

I've Got a Mug...Video Blog Insanity

2008-12-09T21:29:00.006-06:00

I took a couple of days off from blogging. ( i had to take a break for the sabbath, people). However..yesterdays blog was postponed until today due to...well...i guess just a videotaping frenzy. So I will blog again later today to make up. And therefore not really break my goal of blogging everyday. (I think i may allot for the sabbath every week :)

So...thanks to an inappropriate amount of time spent at the brewery...plus some good friends who share my addiction...here is my first video blog. It's kind of...ridiculous. And i have no pride. But nonetheless...here it is.

Fighting Fear

2008-12-07T01:45:00.002-06:00

I am not somebody that is exceptionally good at displaying my life for all to see. In fact I've come to realize lately that despite how far i've come the past few years in becoming more comfortable with who i really am, there is still a great deal of me that is scared to be vulnerable and put myself out there..i mean my actual thoughts, and the things that drive me and make me passionate, the reason WHY i actually believe a certain way and do the things i do and love the things i love.

I used to be completely insecure. I'm talking NOBODY knew the real me...i mean I didn't even know me...i let people walk all over me, i changed what i liked and disliked based on who i was around. I let other people make most of the decisions in my life from how i should dress and the way that i talked to how i should think and act. It was ridiculous. But eventually one day i wised up. A good friend of mine was finally able to show me that i had value beyond what certain people thought of me. She taught me how to set boundaries for myself and for others and most of all that if somebody disliked how i now stood up for myself, and did not appreciate who I really was, that perhaps it was not worth me wasting anymore of my time trying to please them.

If i had to go back and meet the becca of years past it pleases me to think I would not recognize her. I've lost some good friends in the transitions that i've gone through, but at the same time I am so grateful that i do not live in the fear that used to consume me. The past four years have been spent in the kind of freedom that before i only dreamed would have existed.

But lately God has been revealing parts of me that are not as changed as i once thought them. There are parts of me, not as large as before, but parts nonetheless, that are completely wrapped in fear. Dreams of mine that I am to scared to even talk about. Parts of me that it terrifies me to even tell others about.

And this is not okay with me. Being vulnerable, even when it terrified me, was something that was a huge part of the healing that occurred in me in years past. I'm determined not to live a half life because i am too scared to speak or dream or take action. So that begins here. It will not end here...but it will begin here. I've decided that I want to live in the uncomfortable if it's the uncomfortable that brings me more freedom...and more importantly if it is what will bring me closer to my God. So...here goes.

Sweet Victory

2008-12-06T03:38:00.005-06:00

After 4 long seasons of competition you are looking at the 2008 cheesiest christmas sweater wearer in Conway, Arkansas. And i have the trophy on my mantle to prove it. As well as a half eaten tub of that glorious 3 in 1 popcorn tin that seems to only make it's appearance at Christmas. Sadly, i am an idiot and completely forgot to take any pictures tonight. But trust me...there was cheesiness...literally and figuratively.

Even more sadly, that is seriously all my brain can come up with to say tonight. I'm exhausted, but determined to blog everyday...so there you go. no brilliant poems like lydia or thought provoking comments like, oh i don't know, everyone i know. Seriously i know some of the best people. But anyways, none of that. Just shallow, thought you should know that i won type of boasting. It'll have to work tonight.

The Only Goal in My Life Right Now

2008-12-04T16:10:00.003-06:00

So, my new goal is a post every day. I figure what with my not having a job and spending an obscene amount of time at the Brewery that I should at least be able to churn out one of these puppies a day. But I'm writing a little late today...so consider this my thursday post..not my friday post. unless of course i end up not posting tomorrow. then this is my friday post.

a.n.y.w.a.y.s.

This week has been such an emotional rollercoaster for me. And today is the first day i really feel like i've been able to stop and breath and feel God near me. It's been one of those days where i have revelation after revelation from Him and it's going to take me a little more time and energy to sort through them all. so there will probably be more on that to come.

on ANOTHER note... can i just say that i have some of the coolest, most beautiful friends...and they happen to love God more than most people i know. I love them. and NOW they have blogs!

sending out a holla to

also...my friend carriebeth

who has started one already...trying to get her back on the bandwagon.

love.

Night Owl

2008-12-03T21:53:00.005-06:00

A few years ago, while i was in college, i spent Christmas break in the most glorious sloth-worthy way. There were four of us...my roomate and two new guy friends of ours that ended up being incredible long term friends of mine...that spent every night hanging out until the not so wee hours of the morning. We played mario kart, made Shipleys runs for donuts at 3am, played music, told funny stories and jokes, and basically laughed until we cried every night. Then we would stumble home in a tired stupor and sleep most of the day away and then wake up and do the same thing over again. It was wonderful and truly one of the funnest seasons of my life.

I am absolutely a night owl and since graduating from college and having a "grown up" job i haven't got to flex my night time stamina muscle in a while. Until i quit my job. And now i end up staying up until 3 am every night while my roomates crash by midnight. So it seemed like a great opportunity when i got hired by a local mental health provider to work the overnight shift at a group home. It's not my dream job, and by no means my dream pay, but i thought it might be a great temporary job to make a little money at until i could find a real job. I've had a pretty good amount of experience with mentally ill people due to my previous job and thought that this would be no big deal.

Boy was I wrong.

To start off, this job is in the ghetto ya'll. Which is okay, i'm used to the ghetto. worked there for the past two years. But i was also working there during the day. So to say that I hated the idea of walking from my car to the home at midnight is a bit of understatement. I was terrified. Luckily both times i had to go between car and work there was a police man patrolling the street. Which i couldn't figure out whether to be comforted by that fact or downright scared. Not to mention i was questioning whether or not my car would actually be there in the morning. However, that was the least of my uncomfortableness during the night. I don't want to go into to much detail as to what specifically happened to make me not feel safe there, it would be a little inappropriate to go into the story of what i was told. But to make it short, these people are not the mentally ill i was used to working with. Think of every television show and movie you've ever seen involving a mental institution. And then remember how the people in these lock down facilities act. Now picture them, but in a home setting where they are free to get up and walk around and do whatever they want in the darkness of night. And then picture yourself, a 25 year old girl, having to go into their bedrooms every hour during the night to make sure they are still alive.

Needless to say, i quit the next day.

And as i was telling my supervisor why i was not going to be coming back, she said "but we rarely even have an occurrence."

Rarely? Is that supposed to change my mind???

So I'm looking for a job again. And amidst some other dashed dreams of mine that happened yesterday i haven't had the best couple of days...but at the same time these events led to some much needed words of encouragement from my Dad. And some great Godly advice, that i don't think I've ever heard anything of the like come from him, so a bad situation quickly turned into something i've been desperate to hear for a while now. God is good like that to me a lot of times :)

love.

My God Day

2008-11-11T01:42:00.002-06:00

Written on November 6, 2008

Is it a coincidence that today, the day I have set aside to seek after God, to demonstrate my dependence on his strength and sovereignty by abstaining from food, to wait patiently to hear from Him, that He would send people one after another to speak into my heart and my life to remind me that he hears me, and loves me?

I need desperately to hear from God. To know that He is moving. To know that this leap of faith I took towards unemployment wasn’t just a desperate attempt to get out of a job I hated but that it was something God was calling me to. That it was the deeds to my faith. That it wasn’t just words but action. I’ve not had many job leads since I quit, and quite honestly I probably haven’t searched as hard as I could have. Because the idea of going back into a job that I don’t really have passion or purpose in is completely unappealing to me. Even the jobs that are actually made to help people less fortunate than me are not appealing to me…not because they lack purpose, but because they seem to lack the purpose that God is calling me to be purposeful to. I don’t feel necessarily called to any jobs that I’ve seen…the only problem is that I’m not even sure what I’m looking for. That is where my trust in God is being stretched and grown. Where I’m having to rely on my faith that He has not forgotten me.

Today as I was reading through my theophostic manual it was talking about the role sin plays in the theophostic ministry. He basically was talking about the renewal of the mind and how vital that it is to really live in the freedom God longs for us to live in. As I was reading and reflecting and praying over what was being said God really began to impress hard on me how absolutely necessary it is for me to get a couple of areas in my life really taken care of. He began bringing these areas of sin to light in my mind and really showing me what this sin has been doing not only to me but to the plan He wants to place me into. As I reflected on this, every part of my life seemed so orchestrated by Him that I wanted to laugh. I quit my job with complete confidence that God was calling me to that so that I could go easily into wherever it was He was placing me. And I still completely believe that. However I didn’t see that all this free time…this time that I hadn’t had before, that God would use that to show me the places within me that aren’t completely surrendered to Him. Some places where I am still believing lies…and some places that I’ve even been in bondage to. And I realized that apart from all this free time for Him to show me these dark places of my heart, I may never have really dealt with these areas.

And if I’m begging to God to use me…really use me in big ways to bring the world to this loving relationship with our Father…of course He is going to want to make sure that the places in me that are still in darkness would have His light shone on them. And I praise Him for that, because I would much rather have to deal with them now before I have a chance to ruin my testimony of God’s word by them. So I’ll keep job looking, but more than anything I can’t wait to use this time to really get every area of my life under complete surrender to Him. To face the hidden lies that I have been believing and to hear and feel God’s truth spoken into those places.

A little later I left my house to go to Starbucks and get some much needed caffeine and endless pleasure of reading and people watching. My friend Carrie Beth arrived shortly after me and we chatted for a while as we sipped our coffee. She shared with me this book that she is currently reading that is about the seasons of life. The part she had me read was about autumn and he described in almost perfect detail the very reason why I love this wonderful season so much. But a couple of other things he said really stuck out to me as well. He said “Quietly, without flare or fanfare, God graciously moves upon our lives, taking us from summer to autumn, a season when He mysteriously writes His agenda on the tablets of our hearts. Patiently He waits for change to begin. Without exception, it does.” Wow. That is exactly where I feel like I am! He is patiently waiting for the change that He has started. And there’s even a promise in the word that I can rely on if nothing else! “God Who began the good work within you will keep right on helping you grow in His grace until His work within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns (Philippians 1:6)” He has began the good work in me! I will wait patiently!

And if that wasn’t enough of God using outside sources to speak into me, as soon as Carrie Beth left, my friend Tyler walked in. He told me he was getting a quick cup of coffee before he had to be at work. “Man…Becca, I so salute you in what you did with your job” he told me. I asked him what he meant and he went on to say how hard it is to be in a job that you have absolutely no passion or purpose for. He told me that he has been wanting to move lately. When I asked him why this was he said that there are some things he really wants God to do in his heart and that if he has to move for God to finish this work in him than he will. We began talking about this, because it is a similar place to me. I absolutely love Conway. I want to always call it my home, and always return to it. I think of it more as my home than I even do my real hometown that I spent the first eighteen years of my life. It’s a place where I really began to learn who God was, and it’s a place where indescribable healing has taken place. I told Tyler that I believe Conway is such a place of healing…that it’’s almost like a little bubble where people come in and find out who they are in God. I absolutely believe that Conway has a certain spiritual covering over it…and I truly believe that hurting people that come into this town can get the healing and life changing works of God that they need. However, as much as I love Conway and the people here, there is such a huge part of me that feels I may be being called to move. I told Tyler that it seems to me that a place like Conway is a great place for people to come into and encounter a life changing God, and receive teaching that raises people up to move out and share that with the outside world. And that’s why I believe so many people that I know are in the same stage of life as me…who love Conway with all of their heart…feel like they are being called to leave the bubble here and share this with people who haven’t had the privilege of living in such a Godly place.

We talked awhile about that and what it could mean, and then Tyler had to be off to work. As he started to leave he looked at me and said “Becca, this was just such a great five minutes of conversation.” I full agreed, and thought how is it that God has used three different back to back encounters to seemingly speak to me the same theme over and over again? Healing…God’s plans…Healing…God’s promises. I know that I do not comprehend his power or his plan…and that is something I love about Him! I am so glad he is in control and has not left me to my pathetic little plans!